Spanish Fly

 

By Ann V

 

Disclaimer: If I owned Trigun, I wouldn’t have to write fanfiction. I do however have to write fanficiton. This means I don’t own Trigun.

 

Warnings: Stores of questionable reputation. Bizzare thingments. Homosexuals. Seduction. Legatoness.

 

Part 4: Still Life with Cutlery

 

 

The cashier smiled at him, in that sort of way that normal people are totally disturbed by. You know, the sane ones. This was one of the seedier parts of Gunsmoke, easily reached from most any place on the whole planet with just an easy fifteen minute drive. Well, depending on your speed, give or take a few days. Anyway, it was boarded up on all sides and painted a light-absorbing black. The only sign as to what it lay within was the sign on one of the shutters. “KINKOS... We ain’t got nothing to do with copying”* It was one of those places you went when you wanted easy prey. Midvalley had told him about it and it was a great amount of fun to trick people into walking in and then watch them freak out when they realized what they’d walked into. Needless to say the cashier knew him, but only as the super cool guy who brought her customers with nosebleeds.

 

She did that retarded Relena/Meryl/Miaka eyelash batting type thing and twirled a lock of brown hair around a pen.

 

“Can I help you?” She asked.  He told her. She was so not fazed, not even for a second only turned around. Some rustling noises were and she handed him a piece of paper.

 

“It’s on the house, oh and um I think there’s a grocery store a street down on the right.” She winked at him blew a bubblegum bubble and watched Legato leave. Legato went grocery shopping which I suppose could be amusing but I don’t want to get into it because it’s actually not that amusing he isn’t a social retard and he does eat a lot so he knows how to shop for food. I won’t even do the cooking scene because as nifty as Legato Bluesummers in an apron is it’s not the point of this part, now is it? No the point of this part is Knives so we’re just going to skip over to another part of the lair and find out what he’s doing.

 

Millions Knives wasn’t such a bad guy, I mean if you ignored the genocidal tendencies, the insane amount of power, and the ‘how drunk were you when you came up with that?’ plans, he really wasn’t such a bad guy. Really Aryan for an only humanoid looking species and not lucky enough to join the ranks of the many evil platinum blondes, cause he was just blonde. Really I feel kind of bad for him; it’s not his fault he just needs a hug. His life sucks pretty bad and though the minions he has scored are pretty cool they had serious issues. Let’s all feel bad for him.

 

Anyway, one blonde maniac lay reclined in what could be relaxation on one very cool looking fainting couch because those things are cool. He was reading Mein Kampf... well that’s disturbing. He kept laughing... that’s really disturbing.

 

“Hey, narrator I can hear you, ya know?” Eep... sorry.

 

“I could do better than this, really. Maybe I should write my own book.” He said rolling over onto his back. Then he sneezed.

 

“I don’t sneeze.” He said. Then... he sneezed. Ha.

 

“I told you I don’t sneeze.” Grrr... So, then, quite suddenly he sneezed.

 

“Haa...Achoo! Damn you.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, this was foreshadowing for old wives’ tales say that when you sneeze someone is thinking about you... in that way.

 

“Isn’t that just your nose itching?” Shut up this is my story. Anyway Knives-sama knows little or nothing of any decent wives tales or urban legends. So he just turned over and ignored the narrator’s voice and was totally and completely unprepared for the angel food cake that floated into his lair. No seriously it was a floating angel food cake, kind of pink too.

 

“What the hell?” Was all he bothered to say before he realized that it was indeed a floating pink angel food cake. Then his eye’s got kind of shoujoish and vaguely chibi because every maniac has a favorite food... Knives’ is angel food cake. Strangely Knives didn’t question why an angel food cake randomly floated into his lair... this either says something about Knives or the sort of place he chose to reside in. Who knows maybe floating angel food cakes are common. Anyway it was artistically arranged and not frosted because frosting angel food cake is almost a sin. He cut himself a slice. If your wondering how he did this, you aren’t a big enough Trigun otaku because some of the readers are hopefully getting that strange ‘why use a blade of mass destruction to cut a frickin’ dessert?’ look right now. There was the first bite.

 

“Hey, this is really good. Different but good.” The blonde said after a bit of chewing. It continued through each bite with Knives vocalizing his thoughts.

 

“Really sweet and fluffy.” That might have something to do with cotton candy...

 

“A little bitter around the edges.” Definitely the lemon.

 

“But there’s this odd taste to the whole thing, it’s compelling.” That’s either oysters or the... erm... parts of indigenous bugs. Either way there was something special about this cake. Something Knives didn’t know because as smart as he is street smarts are not his forte. Something that made his heart beat a little too fast and a little too off. This was a something that made his stomach clench and his nerves all wake up at the same moment. Wait this is starting to sound like and orgasm. Well, I suppose it might be... you see the thing about Spanish fly is that it is a truly dangerous substance. Revs a body up but doesn’t bring it far enough. Tie someone up and give them Spanish fly, just a little bit and they’ll go mad. So of course an overdose is just frightening. Well that’s the problem, please remember that Knives is not human. Most would assume that since plants are superhuman it would take an overdose of any drug to affect them. Well everyone is assuming wrong because plants are designed to be easily manipulated, not by outside things but by humanly placed stimuli directly to their systems. It’s all very biological. Anyway, what would be a normal dose for a human being is in fact an over dose on a plant. Yet, most would assume that an overdose for a human would be a normal dose for a plant. The short version? Knives is tripled dosed on Spanish fly.

 

At this point we leave him and his freaking out... because that is pretty much what he’s doing. I’m sure he has really no clue what’s going on. That would just figure wouldn’t it? Because stand very cautiously maybe just a little guiltily because yes the conscious was currently getting ruffled somewhere in the metaphysical realm maybe he wasn’t all in the right here. He knocked. He opened the door just a little bit. He was pounced. Overdoses are bad... sort of.

 

His vision was all blurry as you’ll realize yours is too when your trying to focus on something a millimeter from your face. He had two thoughts right about then they were W00T! And In your face Elendira! Personally I think any Knives/Legato fan would be having the same thoughts. Right after that rapid succession of two thoughts he received the single best open-mouthed kiss of his entire lifetime. And he was too shocked to respond. His entire thought process stopped. Then instinct kicked in and shoved Legato Bluesummers out of his brain's driver’s seat and made his body respond accordingly. As cheesy as it seems it was a bit electric - probably a Plant thing, though, because in all reality you do not get shocked when your tongue touches another person’s. That is one of those bodice-ripping-novel fantasies.

 

Having the man of your dreams, quite literally, pin you to the ground between his legs and hold your face between his hands and make love to your mouth with his will, however, do other pleasantly interesting things to your body. One of those pleasantly interesting things is to drive all the blood not directly south but distinctly at the junction of your legs to your hips. This sudden migration of blood was what finally brought Legato Bluesummers to full awareness, no pun intended. He had a sudden urge to do something. He pulled his head away as best he could considering it was on the ground. Knives glared.

 

“Um, excuse me... Uh-Uh this is wonderful and all but you’ll have to excuse me a moment.” Oh yes, Legato Bluesummers was stuttering. Knives looked decidedly upset over this but every time he attempted to get back to whatever it was he was trying to do Legato moved just enough out of the way. It was starting to piss him off. Especially since this movement was... were...well you know writhing-like. Finally he let Legato go out of sheer desperation. Legato scuttled embrassedly happy out the door.

The strange scream of “SCORE!!!” could be heard all over Demerty. Then Legato got back to what it was he was doing... or being done by. Pun fully intended.

 

Coming Next: Doing another Species has it’s benefits ~ NC-17