Spanish Fly

By Ann V.

Disclaimer: As I said before: If I owned Trigun don’t you think this would be an episode? Is this an episode? No, stupid, this is a work of total fiction. Emphasis on that fiction part.

Warnings: Fangirl mocking. Bad humor. Nudity. Heterosexuals. Plotting. 

Spanish Fly Part 2: Possible Side Effects Include…

Legato Bluesummers woke up feeling very good. He streached as he got out of bed and was surprised that no bones cracked popped or in any way complained that they were stiff and slept upon. He was not surprised that he wasn’t wearing pajamas because he didn’t own pajamas, not a single pair. In fact he usually slept starkers aren’t you fangirls happy? What did surprise him was that his floor was messy. His floor was never messy. Even when he staged full-scale battles that involved the death of lots of stupid looking action figures or did drunken kareoke. Oh, like he doesn’t do that kind of 

thing in his free time. There was a towel on his floor so he picked it up and wrapped it around his waist just to be decent. There was also a slinky black dress on his floor. He was pretty sure he didn’t own any slinky black dresses and it didn’t look to be his size but he put it on a hanger anyway, just to be tidy.

He yawned and went to take a shower. There was a half-filled tub of cold water. He tested it and flinched, cold baths were just nasty. He drained the tub and was glad to be wasting water; it furthered the demise of humanity, which was good. He turned the water on hot and took a shower until the room was white with steam. You probably wish I’d describe the shower but I mock you and your perversion. Just imagine whatever you want about Legato and cheesy shower scenes I’ll just laugh.

He got out and left little wet footprints all over the floor. He moved to his closet happy in that early morning post-shower kind of way and singing his own little bastardized version of Soundlife. Oh, like he doesn’t do that. One black button up shirt and a pair of tight jeans latter he was ready for his day off. Yes they do have days off, if you had an army of homicidal freaks and you didn’t give them a day off wouldn’t you be fearing for your life? Knives isn’t a stupid person, in fact he is an evil genius. Notice that genius part. Once dressed and drying his blue hair towel turban style Legato turned around. That’s when he noticed someone else in the room with him. Someone just waking up and naked as far as he could see, which was farther than he wanted to. She looked at him. He looked at her. She blushed. He looked at the dress. The scream could be heard in a three-mile radius.

"Uh, sorry?" Dominique said nervously. Legato had an unusual look of wide-eyed panic on his face and he was taking deep cleansing breaths.

"You’re...(breath) Not... (Breath) Sorry." He said still taking those deep-cleansing breaths.

"No you’re right I’m not. You’re not going to kill me are you?" She asked nervously pulling a pillow in front of her.

"No, not now at least. It would be in bad strategy." He had stopped with the deep cleansing breaths and had now assumed an angry glare. Dominique was not that reassured but she was glad for strategy. There was a long pause.

"How did you do it?" He asked coming up and sitting on the foot of his bed.

"Spanish Fly."

"That exists?"

"Yeah."

"Does it work the way they say it does?"

"What do you think?"

There was another long pause during which Dominique became increasingly nervous and confused and Legato got this interestingly evil smile on his face.

"Do you have any left?" He asked the smile becoming vaguely maniacal.

"There’s a little in the vial in my purse over there but not enough to work. You need three quarters of the vial to work it." She said pointing to her purse.  He walked over rooted carefully and pulled out the little glass vial.

"What are you going to do with it?" She asked as he opened the door to leave. He only turned his head back and smirked at her. She sighed and curled back up to savor at least where she had fallen asleep.

Coming next: Part 3: The Fly Bites