Sometimes I wonder if the two boys ever saw the real me. Child geniuses or not, I doubt that anyone could put the pieces together and see the big picture. Few rarely see past the end of their own nose, anyway. But I'm going to postpone the lecture on men's shortcomings. This is a story about my two sons, Knives and Vash.

First, Knives. Why would I name my child after a weapon, you might ask. Well, first of all, a knife is not a weapon, it is a tool. From a physics perspective, it is a simple wedge designed to separate an object into two pieces. In this light, there are many kinds of knives. Scissors, scapels, even your everyday butterknife. The reason why I named him "Knives" was because he himself was a tool to render, dismember, and destroy. A tool in my intricate masterpiece of deception, treachery, and revenge.

I found the boy to be truly admirable. After my previous statement, does it seem odd to sing his praises? But I admit, I was charmed. He had a soft inner self-- intropective, affectionate, sensitive-- which he vigorously hid. He liked to try to be the elder brother, and have complete control over the situation. But then again, nobody actually has any real control. But I must digress from theology, otherwise this story will never finish.

Knives preferred tangible things like reason, knowledge, and truth. In time, he came to be consumed by them. Irony oft makes her presence subtle; his quest for freedom made him a puppet on the strings. Now I shall explain.

....

I had to do a lot to get them, you know. Just as no one knew my dark intentions, none of the crew knew of my ability to program a plant for... live birth. It was very taxing on the mother, for producing an independent organism is never easy. When the crew discovered the babies, they nearly exterminated them. I took my chances, and threw myself into the crosshairs. There was no way I was going to spend another nine months of covert and careful surveillance for a humanoid infant. Two, actually. This is where Vash comes in.

There was a part of the birthing process that I did not expect. A twin. As if one was beyond comprehension, there were two! However, he managed to fit into our dysfunctional team quite nicely. So nice...

.... I don't know what made me compromise. Where did I contrive the inspiration? I just pretended to be sweet as sugar, taking them under my wing, after convincing the crew they would kept under a close watch. And within a few months, they were strapping young boys, with a large appetite for education. And attention. And food.

Motherhood is a strange experience. I never really had a desire to have children, you see, but I couldn't help but feel attached to the little guys. Vash especially. He had a propensity for strong, bright colors, and flowers, and liked his hair long. It was raising eyebrows, so I had to cut it. I didn't mind, I mean, it's not as if he was integral to my plots and schemes.

Somehow, he found a place in my heart. And I wove gossamer threads of illusion within a web of deception, which tangled everyone except me! I would tell them sweet little lies, just like making up stories about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Just like a real mother. A real mother...

....

I think about the world's first mother, Eve. You never really hear about her after the whole "Garden of Eden" incident. Women always get the short straw in stories like these. But I'd like to think that she got revenge on Adam, for blaming his sins on her, for being the lesser of the two, for bearing the labor of childbirth. Maybe this is all just 5000 years of retribution in the making. Just like Cain and Abel, Vash and Knives will shake the foundations of hell in their struggle.

But in the meantime, I was giving Vash a haircut. I was inclined to give him the same cut as my lost love, Alex. The whole time, I was reiterating the same old story. Beauty of life, the wonderful future, yadda-yadda-yadda. Knives wanders off, apple in hand. Somewhere in my sugary-goodness schpeil, Vash turns around. He gives me the puppy-dog eyes, and tells me that he'll never leave me. So I flick him on the head. Sometimes the things he says is more cornball than the stuff *I* make up.

It's Knives' turn, but he's not around. He's probably brooding over his little "date" with Joey. I let Vash go find him.

....

The next morning Knives' hair is all chopped up, and he's boiling with silent anger. The two nerds merely complement him on his self-given cut. Why is always the smart ones who stick their heads in the sand. They're too introverted to face problems that can't simply be repaired. Knives sips a cup of coffee. Funny, since he knows that it can stunt your growth. Little Vash doesn't understanding what's happening. He'll find out soon enough.

You know, I deserve to have this silent revenge. I lost the only person that ever mattered to those freaks and ghouls. The vainness in the struggle to survive is nothing but laughable. There is nothing to believe in. That's why I let the madness take hold. My actions are completely justified. When I'm alone, I sit in the darkness of my room and smile, delighted to see them fighting, delighted to feel their conflict. And I come out smelling like geraniums.

Knives and Vash, my destructive little worker-bees. The horrific comedy. Now I ask you, reader, that if I had named Knives after a tool, what do you think Vash means?

End

....

Author's Comments:

What in the world inspired me to make this? Well, I'd attribute it to three things. First was a short story written by Deleria called "The Pawn". These stories both have a kind of dark conspiracy theme. Second was an essay about Rem's self-destructive ideals and how she let everything on SEEDS fall apart. That can be found here.
Third, well, I don't like Rem. She's just such a flake! When I saw the dub on Adult Swim and she said something like "If there are flowers on the planet I hope they'll be red ones!" I felt a compelling urge to gag.
So, over the course of a few months (I'm not very dedicated to my projects) I came up with a whole new, pretty much insane Rem. I tried to make the story coherent with the anime, which more people are familiar with, but it's been a while since I last saw Rem's big episode.

I made this, even if you don't like it. And if you think that this defames your beloved pacifist, just you wait 'til I make a Knives POV! (maniacal laughter)
If you want to see my other works of Trigun-based insanity, visit my site or e-mail me, as I would love it if you did. Even the unhappy people. But Rem's already dead, so I'm sure they're unhappy anyway.