Render Me Useless
I've always been kind of "ify" about love. I've loved, and been loved, its an awesome feeling, I'm not out to make it look bad or anything. I just had no control of myself. I was withdrawn, and the whole definition of love symptoms. I've always known someone would come along, and I've met that person, and now I know how it feels like to love someone, and to be loved equally in that sense. It wasn't really like "love at first sight" or whatever, none of that mushy stuff, we were two individuals who had some different views, and similiar ideas. We bonded after a while. I'm just glad that we met when we did. As you can probably tell, our love never survived. I'm not really "boo-hoo" about it, yeah, I've cried my tears, and I've also lived my life while I was getting over it. I've lived that life, and now I'm living a life I've never thought I'd live. And I don't really like to talk about it, because its still a scar, and like all scars I'd like for it too heal before I brag about it. All I could say that it was all goodness, and full of love, and it was also very different, which I enjoyed. But life goes on for me, and I'm not going to sit around and cry my ass off about it. Nor will I bitch about it. I think being obvious is very boring, I love my imagination, and I love being different. If being an asshole is different, hey I guess I'm an asshole. I've always been an individual, I love my individuality, I'm not a carbon copy of the magazine models or whatever, I'm not inadequate. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm comfortable in my skin. But man! I wish I'd stop growing! Seriously, the only sweater I've had really fit was a stretched army sweater, and the "Big and Tall" stores are too expensive for my cheap-skated-ness. The current time is one-thirty in the morning, and I can't sleep, or I just don't want to sleep. Yeah, that could be it. I've always been interested in writing. I've fell in love with it, when I couldn't speak, like everytime I'd go for coffee with my friends, they'd usually cut me off, like they had something more important to say. Also I've really got in touch with the psycho-symatic self. I just let my mind free, and I type these words that form a sentence, that form a story, or a manifesto. I've always been odd somewhat in high school, I was never really happy with myself, because of the position I always put myself in. I was a super-dork, right up until I graduated. Until finally I recognized my individuality. I'm not as narrow minded as some people seem. I'm not homophobic, or racist, or anything negative. I've always tried to keep an open mind, and think positive. But there were some really odd times when I fell into depression. Self-pity is the worst hole you can get yourself into, and my proverb for that is "if you want to feel happy, try making someone else happy." and it really does work, I've volunteered everytime I've felt a little low, and it really helps out. It benifits somebody, and you feel better in the end. If only I knew that in high school huh? I guess that I'm not really talking to anybody, or somebody is just reading this. I don't know if any of that made any sense. Did it? Its okay, you can answer, nobody will laugh. I sometimes wonder why some people are so scared when someone asks "what are you thinking?" and there has to be something, not "oh nothing" don't be scared of a question, or don't feel threatened, its just a question that someone is interested in what your thinking. Sometimes I ask that, and it just totally catches people off guard, and the obvious answer is "nothing". I guess that I try to inspire people to think something, I either talk in a really boring voice, thats so boring, people will do something. I think I just reflect a bored person, I like to sway conversations a different way, not the reguritated bullshit we all come accustomed to "how's the weather?" and fake interest. I watch people when they talk, I watch if they are looking at me in the eyes, or if they're figgiting, or how many cigarettes they smoke (amber you usually smoke 3) and if they're comfortable speaking about certain things. And how many cups they drink of coffee, how fast they drink them, and most of all the way they say their words, if its shakey, or if they're confident in what they are saying.

Sometimes there's more to peoples conversations than what people think. As you can tell I'm big into psychology. I love behavioural psychology the best. I just love to listen to people, and by saying that, it doesn't mean that I don't love to talk, and it wouldn't hurt anybody to listen to what I have to say sometimes. I get annoyed sometimes, but not really.

I guess how I like to relax is take a nice hot bath, sit and veg out, get up take a shower (to wash off all the suds). That usually gets me into a good mood, put on my slippers, sip some awesome strawberry tea, lay on my bed with my awesome 4 pillows, and 2 warm blankets, and pick up my book on meditating, and just read by candle light, or by my soft light I have by my bed. The color of my bed is blue, it has blue sheets, and I have one of those fuzzy blankets, and one of those awesome downy filled blankets, I have 3 different kinds of pillows, the blue on is nice and fluffy (this is the one I usually sleep on), the other one is kind of flat, the other one is my hugging pillow, its long, and thick, it keeps me from falling off of my bed at night. Anyways I'd pile them up, and read my book, and sip my tea. I made a tape for myself, my relaxing tape when I'm done reading, its all ambient music, no words to it, just soft sounds that help me get where I'm going in my mind. And I just exist.

Thats probably why I'm so lazy huh? hahaha Another question has come across, and I guess I'll answer it. If I'm scared of what people think. And I think the basic answer is "no". They don't know my roots, and they don't pay my bills, so why should I care what they think? I'm not going to concern myself with that. They can think anything they want. I'm not inadequate, my self-confidence doesn't rely on what people are thinking. I'm quite contempt with myself. I dress like a geek. I'm horribly out of style, and I like it that way.

I love listening to the midnight. I try to listen to the stars, I listen beyond the wind, beyond the traffic, and I try to listen to the stars as they shine at night. I love the calmness of it all. Its nature untouched. No matter where you are on earth, its always nice to look up to the stars at night. I'm not one of those sappy guys that say "I wonder if there is someone looking at the same star I am." or that corny shit that tries to get into girls pants or anything. I usually watch them by myself. Its what I really missed while I was gone on katimavik. I'd sit in the sunroom in quebec and stare at the stars at night. All night I'd sit in a lazyboy facing the window. But the stars aren't the same anywhere, and thats what I love about Saskatchewan. The stars at night. The best memory I have of the summer was when I went for a walk up on the hills, and it was so silent, it was beautiful, I walked up on the hill, and just existed with everything around me. The wind blowing the long grass, and the crickets, and the frogs singing their songs. I guess I grew an appreciation of nature when my grandpa passed away, he and I would always take walks when I was a little monster. I never once thought I'd miss those moments with him. My grandpa was an awesome man, and I miss him like crazy. He's always give me advice, and he never worried about me, he believed in me. And he'd be so proud of me. He tried to help me when nobody wanted to help me. He encouraged me to pursue my love. Its just so hard sometimes when the only father figure you knew is gone. I still have a dad here, but its tough because he's never around, and my grandpa and grandma raised me from when I was born, until I was five years old. I lived on the reserve, and they both taught me so much about life that I can never repay them. Most of all I miss the early morning sunrises, my grandpa and grandma would wake up, drive in there truck to GreenLake for breakfast, and they would talk in Saulteaux, and I'd understand them and I'd always look to my right, and watch the sunrise. They would always take me out for breakfast, every summer. I really loved it, and I'll always cherish those memories. I guess thats sometimes the reason why I'm in an asshole mood. I just get stressed out sometimes, because I'm trying everything I can to make myself happy. Like, I really admire my grandpa, because he was a happy old man. And thats what I want to be. I've done everything I wanted to do as youth, I loved, I travelled, I helped, I met awesome people, I've lived in different parts of the country, I graduated school, I lived in a place where they don't speak english, I was independant. I've lived my life as a youth, so if I die, I'd die happy and fulfilled. Now the next step, as an older fellow, travel the world, then graduate from university or college, have a family, a house. Its sometimes hard for me to explain that when I have conversations with a friend or something. I'm happy with my life.

The human potential is the greatest part of being alive.