Hiyo! these are just..well..funny things. actually, not all of them are funny. well. otay. i think i've lost myself there. Just...I dunno. Perhaps interesting things. ya. Interesting things that I have kept in my mailbox FOREVER and perhaps need to be purged through the methods of placing them elsewhere...well..yar..er..that sounds about it ^^;(disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form witty enough to have made these things up. i found them places. yar.)
TWO COWS:
b warned: this one contains a few stereotypes, that i hope won't offend anyone, but are funny as long as u recongnise that they are stereotypes.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to >support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.
here's a link 4 liberal-minded HP-fans ^^
Micheal Jackson to be in Fourth Harry Potter movie
Written by Jennifer Wood
Micheal Jackson
LONDON, ENGLAND- Warner Bros. announced a new addition to the cast of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today. Micheal Jackson was recently added to be the voice of the House Elf, Winky.
"Micheal has the perfect voice for Winky... I'm working out to do the fourth movie as well just to work with him," commented Daniel Radcliffe, the boy who became a sudden pop icon when he took on the role of Harry Potter. "It's going to be great!"
Micheal was unavailable for comment, as his lawyer won't allow him to make any press statements. Friends of Jackson though say, "He is very excited indeed to get this part. He loves working with children."
Things To Do While Watching Lord Of The Rings:
- Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
- Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
- After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
- At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen.
- After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
- Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
- Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
- Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts, and if so, what house do you think he was in.
- Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
- When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
- At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians.
- Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
- When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
- Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
- When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
- Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins.
- In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
- Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!"(See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.)
- During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
- Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
- Start an Orc sing-a-long.
- Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
- When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
- Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
- Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
- Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
- When Sam holds Frodo's hand (or otherwise), start singing, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"
- When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
LEGAL ADVISORY -- As a layperson, you must NEVER EVER set your toilet on fire, EVER. Also be advised that it looks much cooler with the lights out.
FUZZY LEMONS--IN 12 LANGUAGES
(in order: Spanish, French, Latin, German, Filipino, Croation, Italian, SPIFFY, Edrel, Cenphi, the Madrilaad, and English.)
Limones Peludos! Crepu Limons! Villosa Poma Citrea! Flaumige Zitronen! Balibuan Lamonadas! Cupavi Limuni! Limoni Pelosi! Monehene! Cilenil Nomil! Cilalaliakmylene! Soris Fiza! Fuzzy Lemons!
How do we loathe him? Let us count the ways...
1. His stupid war in Iraq.
2. Halliburton.
3. Cheney.
4. $87 Billion.
5. Medicare "reform."
6. Where's Osama?
7. About those weapons of mass destruction...
8. Donald Rumsfeld.
9. Richard Perle.
10. Paul Wolfowitz.
11. "Bring it on."
12. "Mission Accomplished."
13. 400 billion dollar defense budget.
14. Four dollar social services budget.
15. Tax "reform" benefitting the top 2% income bracket.
16. Karl Rove.
17. Didn't win the popular vote.
18. Didn't really win the electoral vote. Thanks, U.S. Supreme Court.
19. Hundreds of dead U.S. troops since the "end of combat operations" in Iraq.
20. $180+ million campaign war chest, all the better to buy the next election with.
21. Professed support for constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.
22. Didn't bother to renew unemployment benefits in time for thousands of American families, December 2002.
23. Fox News.
24. FCC attempts to deregulate broadcast ownership regulations.
25. Repeated attempts to legalize oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
26. Son of George Bush, Sr.
27. Brother of Jeb.
28. Pushes "free trade" agreements enabling loss of U.S. jobs, exploitation of third world workers.
29. "Operation Iron Hammer."
30. Guantanemo Bay human rights abuses.
31. "Collateral damage."
32. The Patriot Act.
33. Patriot Act II.
34. Misuse of FBI to harass peace activists.
35. Elevation of minor offenses to federal crimes under the guise of fighting "terrorism."
36. Opposition to national health care.
37. Opposition to University of Michigan's attempts to retain affirmative action in admissions policies.
38. Bechtel.
39. Undermining of Freedom of Information Act.
40. Massive unemployment.
41. Tax breaks for companies moving facilities offshore.
42. Reactionary judicial appointees.
43. Attempts to "reform" 75-year-old fair labor practices regulations by eliminating legal requirement to pay millions of Americans overtime.
44. Copped out on the Kyoto Protocol on global warming.
45. Lied to American public about reasons for war.
46. Lied to the United Nations about reasons for war.
47. Prohibited filming or broadcast of coffins of slain service personnel returning to Andrews Air Force Base.
48. Lied about Jessica Lynch's "heroism."
49. Ignored the heroism of less-photogenic/non-white combat personnel who perished in action.
50. Lied that Saddam Hussein and Al Quaeda had something to do with one another.
51. "Axis of Evil."
52. Executed 152 prisoners, including the mentally disabled, as Governor of Texas.
53. Publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker prior to her execution - "Please don't kill me."
54. Ignores Chinese abuses in Tibet.
55. Tony Blair/George Dubya: best pals.
56. Administration doctored CIA intelligence reports to make case for war, then tried to blame the agency.
57. Opposition to minimum wage increases.
58. "Shock and Awe."
59. Attempts to distract public from failed policies through use of gay marriage as a campaign "wedge" issue.
60. Willingly accepts support of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson.
61. Gave convicted Iran-Contra criminal John Poindexter a job.
62. "Total Information Awareness."
63. Administration has reserved right to preemptively use nuclear weapons for "defense" purposes.
64. Went to England to get his picture taken with the queen in order to appear more presidential during 2004 campaign.
65. Protectionist policies for big-bucks buddies in agricultural, steel, and textile industries.
66. Opposition to living wage ordinances.
67. Best pals with Ken Lay of Enron, massive gubernatorial and presidential campaign contributor.
68. Refusal to condemn Israel's murder of American peace activist Rachel Corrie.
69. Refusal to negotiate with Yasser Arafat, elected leader of the Palestinian people.
70. Support for development of "non-lethal" weapons systems.
71. Support for "Star Wars II" missile defense system.
72. Flew to Iraq to eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
73. Didn't bother to visit wounded soldiers in hospitals on Thanksgiving.
74. Thanksgiving visit forced soldiers to eat turkey "dinner" at 6:00 am local time.
75. Didn't bother to visit the families of slain soldiers.
76. Hasn't attended any soldiers' funerals.
77. Taxpayers' tab for 2-hour Baghdad visit: $1 million.
78. Using FBI to spy on domestic protest groups - just like Nixon - in new COINTELPRO campaign.
79. Brother Neil paid $60,000 per year as consultant by company seeking government contracts.
80. Republican filibuster for Bush judicial nominees.
81. General Tommy Franks: "Martial law could be declared" if there's another 9/11 style attack in U.S.
82. Special favors for broadcast buddies courtesy FCC: Repeal of regulations limiting broadcast ownership.
83. Ignored warnings from outgoing Clinton administration officials about threats posed by Al Queda.
84. Project for a New American Century: Group planned Iraq attack before Bush was even elected.
85. Support for limitations on pain and suffering, medical malpractice damage awards by courts.
86. Changed headline on White House website to rewrite history: "End of combat operations" became "end of major combat operations."
87. Modified White House website to prevent indexing/archiving of such future revisions.
88. Rush Limbaugh likes him.
89. Supports nuclear power.
90. Refuses to fund renewable/eco-friendly energy research and programs.
91. Blocking congressional investigation into 9/11.
92. His "forest preservation" initiatives were the opposite.
93. Oil drilling in the Great Lakes.
94. Can't drive a Segway.
95. Thought milk cost $5 a gallon. Totally out of touch.
96. Tried to make the queen wear an ID in her own palace - AND screwed up her TV reception.
98. Pledged billions for AIDS research in Africa; forgot to pay up once the cameras were off.
99. Christmas present to America, 2003: Orange Alert.
(and an aditional reason that i made up: 100: making bad jokes about John Kerry [which, to my disgust, were greeted warmly by the gop. >.< sychophants...])
but by mark morford*
"Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?
Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was promised hellfire. And riots. What gives?
I have been waiting patiently.
I have been staring with great anticipation out the window of my flat here in the heart of San Francisco, sighing heavily, waiting for the riots and the plagues and the screaming monkeys and the blistering rain of inescapable hellfire. I have my camera all ready and everything.
There has been nothing. I see only some lovely trees and a stunning blue sky and my neighbor walking by with her pair of matching chow chows as a pained-looking woman struggles to parallel park her SUV. Same old, same old.
And this is San Francisco, same-sex-marriage HQ, Sodom-and-Gomorrahville, debauchery central. We are supposed to be careening off the nice, safe road of social acceptability right now, welcoming chaos, exploding into a fiery hell mist of our own sick godless depravity and dropping off the disgusted planet any minute now.
Where is my raging apocalypse? This is what I want to know. Where is the social meltdown? The moral depravity? I was promised an apocalypse, dammit. What am I supposed to do with all these tubs of margarine and confetti and kazoos?"
There have been more than 3,500 same-sex-marriage ceremonies in San Francisco so far. Hundreds more are just now kicking up a storm in Oregon and in beautifully rebellious little burgs around New York state. And, yet, nothing. No chaos. No rain of terror. Not even a lousy heat wave. Sigh.
Some homosexual couples have been married for more than three weeks now, living in utter godless sin as they drive their cars and shop and laugh and cry and go to work and pay their taxes and wonder about their dreams. Lightning has not struck them dead. The Hellmouth has not opened wide its gaping maw, hankering for some of the City's trademark Sourdough o' Sin. I am dumbfounded.
After all, same-sex marriage is supposed to ruin the nation, is it not? Induce actual rioting and civil unrest and shirtless anarchy as millions of stupefied citizens pray to a bloody pulverized Mel Gibson-y Jesus for redemption, as they suddenly begin questioning whether ogling the Pottery Barn catalog for more than 10 minutes might mean they're gay.
"It's anarchy," some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. "We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey." Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children.
This was -- and still is -- very much the right-wing sentiment. It was almost a guarantee: Same-sex marriage spelled the instantaneous end of all that is good and righteous and edible. Insurrection was imminent, apocalypse nigh. You could see it in their eyes -- they could hardly wait.
Hell, even Governator Arnie went on "Meet the Press" recently and proclaimed, semicoherently, that he was actually worried about the riots and deadly mayhem should S.F. continue with its brazen lawlessness. And look. Nothing. Not a peep. Not a single rabid spitting demon to be seen. Unless you count Lynne Cheney. Which you never, ever should.
I believe I have been misled. I was told repeatedly in extra-glowing terminology by multiple raging Bible-quoting drones that The Good Book expressly forbids same-sex marriage and gay sex, and to engage in either spells imminent doom and instant social bedlam and there are specific verses all about it.
Is this true? Are there actual verses decrying same-sex marriage? Are they anything like those other Biblical verses, about the rules and regulations surrounding marriage that are making the rounds on the Net right now? Real verses. Actual verses. Verses o' sanctimonious fun. Have you seen them?
Like this: "Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take multiple concubines in addition to his wife or wives." (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21).
Or maybe: "A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be stoned to death." (Deut 22:13-21) Isn't that cute? Isn't quoting Bible verse fun? Ask your local pastor about that one.
Or how about: "If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law." (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10). Hey, it's right there, in the Bible. So it must be true
Is it worth showing those verses to the happily sanctimonious and sneering Christian homophobes who are protesting outside S.F. City Hall right now, telling the gay couples what depraved hell-bound sinners they all are? Nah. Why spoil their whiny apocalyptic wet dreams? Live and let live, I always say.
(Oh, and while we're at it, God also really hates shrimp. Maybe you didn't know. Shrimp are evil, as are all shrimp eaters. Clams, too. Hey, it's in the Bible. You can look it up. Why the Right is attacking homosexuals in love and not, say, Red Lobster, remains a mystery.)
So, here we are. Approaching a full month after the first of S.F.'s marriage ceremonies, and nothing. The universe is smiling madly. The world is shrugging. Anonymous supporters from all over the nation have sent flowers to hundreds of loving gay and lesbian couples. As of this writing, there is no scathing hellfire. No fanged demons of destruction (Lynne Cheney excepted). No meltdown whatsoever. I would know, right? I mean, wouldn't the power go out, or something?
Maybe it's still to come. Maybe total screaming misery and unspeakable sociocultural collapse coupled with wanton bestiality and incest and the giving away of free anal beads to innocent teenagers takes more than a month. Maybe I'm just a little impatient.
Maybe Satan is taking his sweet time to marshal his leather-clad armies, watching as other U.S. cities get in on the same-sex-marriage act, listening as mayors and governors all chime in their support and say what's the big deal. Maybe Beelzebub is waiting for a big moment so as to really leverage the coming news flash, the special report, the sudden activation of the Emergency Broadcast System. Something like:
"This just in: Earthquakes rocked the globe today as giant fire-breathing bees of death swarmed the countryside, feasting on fat white heterosexual babies mostly from Texas and Colorado Springs and Utah and Idaho, as the institution of hetero marriage careened around the mad vortex of space-time like a savage drunken pinball high on black-tar heroin, just like the Christian Right predicted
"Horrors bled into the streets, terrorists were spawned by thousands, presidents openly lied so as to lead a nation into bloody violent unwinnable wars, thousands of Catholic priests sexually molested tens of thousands of children over a 50-year period without the slightest punishment, the environment teetered on the brink due to heartless government rollbacks as air quality and water quality and food sources were ravaged in the name of corporate profiteering, the economy crumbled like Jenna Bush after her 10th beer bong as hate and fear and bogus Orange Alerts ruled the land.
Oh wait. That was all before the same-sex-marriage thing. My bad.
POOH ON PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE:
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "isn't that obvious?".
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: never throw shit at someone who reads. For all you know, they could THINK too.
Two atoms are walking down the street and one says, "Hey, I think I've lost an electron!" The second atom says, "Are you sure?" And the first atom says, "I'm positive!"
A proton, a neutron, and an electron walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender says to the proton and electron "five-bucks." The neutron says, "What about me?" And the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
FUN ANAGRAMS:
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Evangelist - Evil's Agent
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Comes Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind"--- "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."-- "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?