� 2004 Copyright held by the author.
Chapter 10
With a heavy heart, Will slowly trudged the long way up the hill, away from the water to his aunt�s house. Dripping wet, he felt and heard the squelch of his water-logged shoes mocking his every step. Head bowed, eyes on his feet, he reached the side door to the kitchen, used mostly by the staff. How could I have been so wrong? He sighed as he opened the door, barely catching a sob that threatened to emerge from his throat. Intent on retreating to his room, he passed through the kitchen, ignoring the incredulous faces of cook and the parlor maid, and took the back stairs to the second floor two at a time.
He slammed the door to his room behind him in frustration. Alone he was free to give in to the misery he was feeling. He walked to the bureau and looked at his reflection in the mirror above it. How could she say those things to me? he thought incredulously. She really hates me! He still couldn�t believe it; she had positively, with absolutely no doubt whatsoever, turned him down. She didn�t hesitate � she even went so far as to push him in the water! He would have felt outraged if he hadn�t felt so heartbroken. She took my words and tossed them back like they were dirt! Bitterly he turned away from the mirror and threw himself on the bed, oblivious to the dampness of his clothes on his aunt�s finest linens.
As he lay there, it felt as if a profound weight was pressing down on his chest, suffocating him. In despair, he tried to take a deep breath, but choked as a wrenching sob escaped from within and his body gave way to the sadness enveloping him. He gave in to the wracking pain, wallowing in it, wishing it weren�t true, that it was all a nightmare � but it wasn�t. The burning tears he shed did not last long, but they served as a release. Wiping his eyes, the pain was as great as ever, but at least he was able to think more clearly. He still felt an overpowering need for her. He couldn�t bear that she left him like this. She wasn�t coming back; it was hopeless. He never had her; it was unfathomable for him. Even in the darkest of times, Will had never faced such a desolate outlook before.
You don't realize how much I need you
Love you all the time and never leave you
Please come on back to me
I'm lonely as can be
I need you
With more deep breaths he tried to focus on Elizabeth and all that she had said to him. He wanted to remember what it was that made her so angry. He had to understand why this happened. What did he do that was so wrong? How did this get so crazy?
Said you had a thing or two to tell me
How was I to know you would upset me
I didn't realize
As I looked in your eyes
You told me
Her words came back to haunt him.
Oh, yes you told me
you don't want my lovin' anymore
That's when it hurt me
And feeling like this
I just can't go on anymore
What could he do? Even if all was hopeless between them, he couldn�t bear the thought of her alive in the world � out of reach � and thinking badly of him. He knew he would have to make amends and make things right for everyone concerned. There must be some way to get her to trust him, to make her see how much he loved her. Do I really love her? The pain in his chest told him so.
Please remember how I feel about you
I could never really live without you
So come on back and see
Just what you mean to me
I need you
He closed his eyes; the cold, miserable ache returned and tears threatened again.
Look, when you told me
you don't want my lovin' anymore
That's when it hurt me
And feeling like this
I just can't go on anymore
Please remember how I feel about you
I could never really live without you
So come on back and see
Just what you mean to me
I need you
I need you
I need you
His feeling of despair slowly turned into anger as he remembered her accusations regarding Wickham.
�At least I can defend myself against Wickham�s lies,� he said aloud. As bad as he felt, he was determined to set things straight, if he could. He sat down at the desk in his room, took out a piece of writing paper and began to compose a letter to Elizabeth. Intent on her knowing the truth, he poured his heart and soul into it. He hoped that by the time Elizabeth finished this letter, there could be no doubt in her mind in regard to the evil and dissolute ways of George Wickham.
Rosings Park
Glen Cove, Long IslandDear Elizabeth,
Before you begin this letter, let me assure you, you have no reason to worry, this is not a repeat of my previous offer. All I ask is that you please do me one favor � read this letter.
I need to set right some of the misconceptions you have against me, and to defend myself and my behavior. One, George Wickham�s lies against my family, and two, what you think are the reasons for my breaking up Charles and Jane. I wish I didn�t need to write you this letter, but it�s necessary for you to understand the whole entire story.
It didn�t take long for me to recognize that Charles was smitten with your sister as soon as they first met that evening at the Ivy last October. I was happy for him, but I�ve seen Charles fall in and out of love � or what he thought was love � often. After the weekend at Netherfield, I was almost positive Jane returned his feelings and I was glad for them. I have always thought your sister a kind, warm, generous-hearted girl, and perfect in so many ways for Charles, who matches her in affection and temperament.
It wasn�t until the night of the Christmas dance at Longbourn that I began to doubt the sincerity of your sister�s feelings for Charles. I admit, I wasn�t in the best frame of mind at the time. I began drinking after our argument, and feeling sorry for myself, I was intent on getting blitzed. I know that�s no excuse � but it�s the truth.
At the same time, it came to my attention that your sister was planning on breaking up with Charles once he was in London. The source of this information implied that Jane was looking for something better than Charles. I now realize I was taken advantage of and lied to. I think you can guess who told me this.
I am thoroughly ashamed for the part I played in separating Charles from Jane and what I later said to him before he left for Europe. I told him what I had heard, hoping to save him the heartache of losing your sister while abroad. I hoped it would give him the opportunity to forget her and possibly meet someone else while there. At the time, I was still angry with you and feeling bitter and resentful. I wasn�t sure what to think or believe. I�m truly sorry for my part in this and I will do all I can to set things right, if possible. I have no idea how Charles feels about Jane now, since I haven�t heard from him since he left for London, but I will try my best to reunite them when he comes back.
In regard to your other point, I need to tell you everything about George Wickham�s relationship to my family, as painful and personal as it is.
George is the son of a very close and good friend of my late father. My father was George�s godfather and we spent a lot of time together growing up. We were friends until I went away to boarding school. George remained at home attending a local school in the area and we grew apart. When I returned after graduating from Andover, it was obvious what a degenerate George had become. During this period, George�s father � a decent and honest man, died. His mother was alive, but she was used to the finer things in life but without the money to support her accustomed lifestyle. I believe she encouraged George to take advantage of the love and kindness of those around him � namely my father. My father never saw the darker side of George and loved and trusted him like a son. He willingly took him under his wing, offered to pay for his entire education � provided George graduate from college. Then, if it suited him, he could look forward to a job with Darcy Pharmaceuticals, paving the way for a solid and lucrative career that would set him up for the future.
Unfortunately, my father died while George and I were still at Princeton. I was a sophomore, and George, who is a year older, was a junior. We didn�t associate with one another at all. I was disgusted with his cheap women and wild ways. His behavior was contrary to everything good and decent that I was brought up to believe in. It didn�t surprise me in the least when he was asked to leave Princeton because he failed all his courses. He didn�t seem to mind it. He was always lazy. Then he realized he�d be losing a lot more than just a Princeton education. Although there was no formal stipulation in my father�s will regarding George, it was understood that his estate would continue to pay for George�s education as long as he remained in and graduated from school. Not to mention, he had a job to look forward to after that. But he flunked out, and it was unreasonable for him to expect the Darcy family to continue to support him. I was too well aware of the kind of person he was. I encouraged the executor of my father�s estate not to give into George�s wishes, against those of my father � which were well known. I gave him my reasons and proof to back up my claims, he agreed and cut George off, allowing him a lump sum of $15,000 to do anything he wanted with. I hoped this was the last we would ever see of him.
Sadly, that wasn�t the case. What happened next is very painful to dredge up and I hope you won�t repeat this to anyone, since it is serious and private. Two years ago, the summer following George�s pay off, my sister Georgiana, who was only thirteen years old, went away with the family of a close friend from her school. Since we had just lost our father the year before, it was not unusual for Georgiana to travel with this family, the Younges, and stay with them at their house in Montauk.
While Georgiana was with the Younges on Long Island, George came back into our lives with a vengeance. In what seemed like an innocent and coincidental meeting, he managed to lure Georgiana to join him on the beach. She recognized him as one of my close childhood friends, and unaware of his less than honest reputation, she trusted him and agreed to meet him. In one fell swoop he brought us to our knees by kidnapping her and holding her ransom for two excruciating days. Fortunately, George�s plan was full of holes and the police were able to find Georgiana. She came home safe and unharmed and George was arrested for kidnapping. Because he was still under 21, we were not able to try him as an adult. Instead he went to a juvenile detention home for three months, until his 21st birthday when he was allowed to get off scot free. There was nothing more we could do. Fortunately, our family attorney had the courts issue a restraining order, forbidding him to come within ten yards of Georgiana or me, so he can never bother our family again.
Now you know why he did not come to the dance as your date. He must have heard I would be there. I hope after reading this, you forgive me for not giving you these details earlier. The kidnapping left my sister scarred and frightened. Only now, at age 15, is she growing more confident, although she will always be wary of other people�s good intentions and ulterior motives.
I don�t expect this letter to change your opinion of me entirely but I just hate to think of you falling for his lines and believing him. George Wickham is a dangerous man and is not to be trusted. I don�t know what exactly he has already told you, but now at least you are aware of what he is capable.
I can only add my best wishes for you and your sister. I never meant to hurt either one of you. I will always remember you with the fondest regard, Elizabeth.
Love,
Will
It was midnight by the time Will finished writing his letter. Physically and mentally exhausted, he decided to mail it so she would receive it when she returned to Longbourn. He did not have the courage to face her after such a humiliating meeting. He fully expected never to see her again but he was glad that at least she would now know the whole story of his involvement with Jane, Charles and George Wickham. Placing the letter in an envelope, he addressed it to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, Longbourn College, Meryton, New Jersey. Sealing it, he found a five cent postage stamp, affixed it to the envelope and left it on his desk, ready to be mailed first thing in the morning.
Lying down upon the four poster bed in his aunt�s guest room, he stared at the ceiling � lost in thoughts of Elizabeth. He remembered the anger in her eyes. The feeling of loss was almost too much for him to bear. He hoped she would read his letter and it would vindicate him in some way in her eyes; maybe some day she would change her opinion of him. She didn�t want his love now, but he hoped that if he ever got the opportunity to see her again, she would see that he was worthy of her regard. If there was one thing he learned from this, it was he would never take the feelings of others for granted.
Please remember how I feel about you
I could never really live without you
So come on back and see
Just what you mean to me
I need you
I need you
I need you*
On her way to lunch in the dining hall at Longbourn, Lizzy stopped at the Student Union mailboxes to check her mail. In her mailbox she found a thick envelope with her name and address in strong, bold handwriting. There was no return address but the postmark was Glen Cove, New York. Her thoughts immediately turned to Rosings and the turn of events that sent her running into Richard Fitzwilliam�s arms, begging him to drive her back to Charlotte�s. She couldn�t bear to face Will after her deplorable behavior. She pushed him off his aunt�s dock into the bay! The image of him, soaking wet, as she saw him last flashed before her eyes as she opened the envelope with shaking hands. Scanning to the end of the letter, she saw his name: Will. She sucked in her breath, returned the letter to its envelope and placed it in her pocketbook for safe keeping until she could read it in privacy.
Elizabeth hurried to her room, skipping lunch, thankful Charlotte wasn�t there. She plopped herself down on the bed, reached into her pocketbook and found Will�s letter. Surprised by her calmness, she opened the letter and began to read.
At first, she huffed at his tale, all her rage returning as she read Will�s account of the Holly Hop. She remembered the words she overheard Will saying to Caroline about Charles and Jane. She also recalled Caroline�s threat in the Ladies Lounge and realized she made good on it, You�ll regret this Eliza Bennet!. She continued to read. As she finished the passages regarding George and Will�s little sister Georgiana, she gasped, horrified. It had to be true! He wouldn�t make something like this up! Then, she remembered the odd look on Richard�s face when they were playing croquet when she mentioned Georgiana getting into trouble. No wonder he acted so strangely!
Lizzy reread the letter three times and, after the third time, felt like a fool for believing George and not thinking better of Will. What a huge mistake she made! She was mortified. She would tell no one about this, not even Jane. She was sorry, but now it was too late � she�d probably never have the chance to tell him she was sorry. Her eyes kept going over his signature: Love, Will. Does he still love me? She tossed the letter aside, and closed her eyes. Images of Will flashed before her. She saw him soaking wet, his shirt plastered to his chest. This wasn�t the first time either. He had become her favorite daydream again; in spite of everything that had happened between them, she was unmistakably attracted to him. Now, after reading his letter, her feelings were that much more excruciating, it almost hurt, physically. I want him.
How could she ever face him? She reflected over all of their intense encounters. Their first dance at Longbourn seemed more bittersweet in her memory. How could she have believed Caroline? She ruined it for them! Then, the way she lit into him at Ivy! She felt as if she could die, remembering all that she�d said to him, calling him a snob, even if he did sound like one at the time. To make matters worse, when he tried to be nice to her at Netherfield, she had been so nasty to him! Yet he kept coming back for more! Too late. She now recognized the look on his face as one of admiration; he loved her at the Holly Hop! Over and over she had done everything in her power to thwart him and now the situation was hopeless; she�d had her chance and lost it. She had finally pushed him � literally � over the edge; he�d never ask her out again. She�d never get another chance with someone like Will Darcy, not in a million years. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Lizzy shook her head as tears spilled from her eyes; tears of regret, tears of forgiveness, tears of yearning � and sorrow.
�Jane?�
She looked up and he saw the look of surprise on his face. Her eyes lit up when she recognized him and then she blushed.
�Hello,� she said shyly. She peered around him expectantly. He couldn�t help but notice the look of sadness in her eyes as she realized he was alone. She quickly lowered her eyes, embarrassed that he may have guessed who she was looking for.
�How have you been?� he asked awkwardly. The last person Will expected to run into was Jane Bennet. He fought a similar impulse to look and see if Elizabeth was with her. When he first recognized Jane, his heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing Elizabeth again. Even as he repressed the temptation to look for her, somehow he couldn�t help but blurt out, �Is Elizabeth with you?�
�No, she�s back at school, I guess. I was � umm�looking for a�.book,� Jane answered hesitantly, wondering how to account for her presence at Princeton�s local coffee shop. Will had a suspicion of what Jane was doing here � this was where she and Charles had spent a lot of their time together as a couple.
�Are you alone?� he asked.
�Yes,� she blushed again.
�Will you join me for a cup of coffee?�
�Yes, thank you.� She smiled in relief. �I�d like that.�
�Good.� Will could see she was pleased with the idea, as was he. He looked forward to having a chance to talk alone with Jane, something he had never done before.
They found an empty table at a booth and sat across from one another. As soon as Will signaled to the waitress for two coffees they both instinctively leaned across the table and began to talk at the same time.
�What�s new?� They both asked, and then laughed at the awkwardness. He smiled, his dimples showing, and offered, �You go first.�
She chuckled softly. �Nothing much, I�ve been busy with school...� She trailed off, not sure what else to say. There was only one thing she wanted to talk about, but she didn�t think it would be appropriate to discuss Charles with Will.
�Is your family well..? er, your sisters?� Could I be more obvious? he thought, frustrated with his choice of words.
�Yes, they�re all fine, thank you,� she answered politely as the waitress placed their coffee on the table. Jane busied herself pouring cream into her coffee and stirring it; the thought briefly crossed her mind that Will was still enamored of Lizzy, although Lizzy had never cared for him. The poor guy. They continued with small talk about the weather and upcoming exams until finally, Jane brought up the subject that was heaviest on her mind.
�Have you heard from Charles?� she asked.
Will was surprised at her abruptness and felt a blush come over him, only too aware of the part he had played in breaking the young couple up.
�No, I haven�t. He hasn�t returned from London yet.� He gave her an apologetic glance. �He�s not much of a writer, you know.� A pained expression came across her face as he said it. He realized how callous and thoughtless a remark it was for him to make.
�I�m sorry.� He immediately tried to undo his faux pas. �I didn�t mean ��
�No, no, it�s all right, I know what you mean,� she said, trying to relieve his obvious discomfort. She didn�t know what he was really thinking. To her he only looked embarrassed, though she could understand why. She assumed Will felt awkward that his best friend had dumped her so unceremoniously, without even a �Dear Jane� letter from London.
Another pause in the conversation ensued until Jane could hold back her curiosity no longer. �Will, I�ve got to know. Do you know why Charles hasn�t written me? I haven�t heard from him since he left at Christmas. Has he met someone else?� Her blue eyes were sad as she looked at him imploringly. He couldn�t tell her � he couldn�t tell her the truth.
�I�m sorry, Jane.�
She bowed her head and he saw a teardrop fall on the table. He could see her fighting to compose herself. He felt like such a coward in the face of this woman. He didn�t know how to help at this point.
�I don�t know, I can�t understand it!� she said passionately, �I thought he loved me!� Her eyes were beseeching, her voice broke as she continued, �I love him, Will, I�ve always loved him. I�ve never stopped loving him!� She began to cry softly, staring into her coffee. He felt terrible for her. He reached over to take her hand to comfort her, anything to make her feel better. What have I done? This was so much worse than anything he�d imagined. He had to make things right, he owed it to them.
He knew how she was feeling; he�d been agonizing over Elizabeth for the past month. Imagine feeling that way for several months!
Reassuringly, he patted her hand. �Jane, please don�t cry. I�m sure things will work out when he gets back.�
Her eyes brightened hopefully. �D-do you think so? Do you really think so?�
He tried to smile convincingly. �I can�t predict the future, but�I know he was crazy about you when he left.� She smiled briefly and took a sip of her coffee, composing herself. She dug in her purse and found a handkerchief to dry her eyes. Will noticed the initials �CB� embroidered on the corner of it. Jane saw where his eyes were resting.
�Yes, it�s his,� she said simply, referring to the linen cloth in her hand. �He gave it to me the last time I saw him, the night of the Holly Hop.� All Will could do was nod his head sympathetically as Jane continued; she obviously needed to unburden herself to someone. �He really hurt me, Will.� She choked out. �That night was the saddest and the most wonderful night of my life.� She paused with a dreamy look on her face, as if remembering something, but then turned serious again. �I almost went out of my mind when I didn�t hear from him.� She dabbed at her eyes with the handkerchief as tears began to form in them again. �But, all along, I�ve always believed that he�s not that kind of guy, in spite of everything. He�s not the hurting kind.� She had that dreamy look on her face again as she smiled, thinking about Charles.
Will nodded in understanding. He continued to hold Jane�s hand as she told him more about her love for Charles. Eventually they said goodbye and went their separate ways. Will reached for the ribbon he held in his pocket that had once belonged to Elizabeth. Feeling its silkiness with his fingers always soothed him and made him feel a bit better. He smiled ruefully as he realized he and Jane had more in common than he originally thought. It had been an enlightening afternoon for Will, and he knew without a doubt what he had to do as soon as he saw Charles again.
*I Need You � performed by the Beatles, written by George Harrison � 1965 Northern Songs. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.
� 2004 Copyright held by the author.