I Found a Shoe! Cast of Characters: ALEX (Narrator) GRANT (Prince) HELGA (Sister 1/Member of the court) OLGA (Sister 2/Member of the court) INGA (Sister 3/Member of the court) LAYNE (Cinderella) FAYE (Fairy god-mother) (c) 2000 Lauren Friedman kt2003@yahoo.com No words may be changed without the author's direct permission. Copyright infringement is not only illegal, it's punishable with death. And don't make any illegal copies, either. Setting: GRANT'S throne room, and later LAYNE'S living room. For the throne room, you need only one chair, with noodles to decorate it. If necessary, INGA can be holing the chair together. Noodles may also be placed on the floor to give the illusion of a dais, but it isn't a necessity. At rise, ALEX is laying across the throne, singing. ALEX This is the story of a girl who cried a river and- OH! (He straightens up and sits properly.) Hi, and welcome to this evening's performance of 'I Found A Shoe!' (GRANT enters holding a shoe. He strikes a manly pose.) That's our reigning monarch, Prince Grant. All the women love him. HELGA (From off) IT'S PRINCE GRANT! (Scream!) ALEX And he uses that as an excuse for complete incompetence in the ways of governing. GRANT I found a shoe! ALEX Yes, you did. He's very proud of that. (LAYNE enters wearing only one shoe. She sees GRANT, sighs and swoons.) And that is our nightly dose of heroin, the heroine, Layne Stone. She sighs a lot. You see, Layne thinks she loves Grant, because Seventeen told her that he was the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. He thinks he loves her because she says they were brought together by magic. If he really loved her, he'd return her shoe. (FAYE runs in. She flits around the stage.) FAYE Abracadabra! Bibbity bobbity boo! ALAKAZAM! Damn. (She sits down on the ground, looking dejected.) ALEX And that's Faye, Layne's best friend and the alleged "Fairy Godmother." She stole a car and some clothes so that Layne could go to a ball last night and meet Grant. Unfortunately for Faye, the cops know. Unfortunately for Layne, Grant didn't notice her. So, at the end of the night, Layne went down to the Post office and express-mailed Grant her shoe, which he found on his front porch the next day. GRANT I found a shoe! (LAYNE sighs.) ALEX Okay, enough of this. You've met all the people that really matter- HELGA, OLGA, and INGA (From off and behind the chair.) HEY! ALEX (Sighs.) Okay, there's also Helga, Olga, and Inga Stone, Layne's three foster sisters. It's a very touching and tragic story, blah, blah, blah. Okay, is everyone happy now? GRANT I'm not. LAYNE I'm not. FAYE (Still pouting.) I'm not. HELGA, OLGA, and INGA (Together.) WE'RE NOT! (All but ALEX begin to whine and complain.) ALEX SHUT UP! (They do.) Can't you people see that I'm trying to tell a story here? Ugh! That's it! Get off stage. (Exit FAYE.) Get OFF! (LAYNE sighs and begins to exit. ALEX clears his throat and gestures to GRANT.) Forget something?(LAYNE rolls her eyes and leads GRANT off stage by his hand.) GRANT You wanna see my shoe? ALEX (Looks at the audience and shrugs.) Don't blame me for Grant. His family tree is a circle. Anyway, our story begins on a warm spring evening, in the house of the Stone's.. (He gets up and moves to a space to the far right of the stage, without exiting.) (Once ALEX has gotten out of the way, HELGA, OLGA, and INGA enter with a chair and take the noodles of the throne. HELGA and OLGA begin to sweep with noodles, and INGA dances with another. LAYNE enters, still in one shoe. She sits in one chair and puts her feet up in the other. She files her nails with an emery board while singing "Bye, Bye, Bye.") ALEX As you can see, our dear Layne is ever hard at work, under the strict taskmasters that are her sisters. I know some second-rate narrators would tell you that they called Layne "Cinderella" because of that preposterous bit with the cinders, but that's not true. She's "Sinderella." You know, with an S? LAYNE You know, if you people kept this place cleaner, we'd know where my shoe was. HELGA Didn't you mail it to Prince Grant to get his attention or something? LAYNE Ew, Helga! Me and that fascist dictator? Even if Seventeen did give him a "Super Hottie" rating, I could never live with a totalitarian. (Proudly) I'm a Marxist! INGA Like Harpo? OLGA Groucho? LAYNE Try Karl. INGA There isn't one called Karl. ALEX Oh, good. Our delightful sloth is a commie, too! Who writes this crud? (LAYNE glares at ALEX. After a few seconds of a face off, there is a knock at the "door." FAYE creates the sound by stamping her foot while she pantomimes a knock. No one in the house moves.) LAYNE Must I do everything for you incompetent losers? (She gets up and opens the door.) Faye! FAYE Oh, good, it's you! Listen, Layne, you know that stuff I lent you last night to go to the ball? Well, not all of it was exactly mine.. like you remember that car? Yeah, that belongs to The Chevy place on Maple.. LAYNE (Sighs.) How do you always get me into these messes? (She sighs again.) Okay, come in. We'll hide you again. (LAYNE leads FAYE into the room.) FAYE Whoa, where's all that furniture you got to act as dowry? LAYNE Repo men. FAYE Harsh. (LAYNE gesture to a chair. FAYE crouches down and hides. LAYNE returns to filing her nails.) LAYNE So, anyway, the dance last night was a total dud. The dreamy Prince- (LAYNE notices HELGA, OLGA, and INGA staring at her.) LAYNE There are other, dirtier room in this house! (HELGA, OLGA, and INGA exit hurriedly) So, anyway, he wasn't paying attention to me, so I mailed him my- (There is another knock on the door. This time, it's GRANT.) Will I ever get any peace? (She gets up to answer the door.) FAYE NO! Don't answer that, Layne! They've come for me! ALEX Shut up, Faye! It's Grant! FAYE Oh, then what are you waiting for? Go let your dream lover in, Layne! LAYNE (Giggles and runs to open the door.) Oh, Prince Grant! Whatever are you doing here? Come in! (She drags him into the room and pushes him into the chair FAYE is hiding behind.) GRANT (Holding up the match to LAYNE'S shoe.) I found a shoe. (He smiles vacantly.) I like it. It's sparkly. (He rubs the shoe against his face, much in the way one nuzzles a kitten. HELGA, OLGA, and INGA 'peek into the room from the wings.) OLGA I thought Layne didn't like that face-ist.. (INGA shushes OLGA and HELGA giggles, causing GRANT to look at them. He waves.) LAYNE (Clears her throat.) Is there something you'd like to ask me, your highness? GRANT Yes. (He sticks out his tongue and ponders, trying to remember what he was supposed to ask. Finally, he pulls a 3x5 card out of his pocket.) Is this your shod? LAYNE What? GRANT (Sounding out the last word.) Sh-sh-oo-sh-oo-shoe! Is this your shoe? LAYNE (Claps her hands and squeals. She throws her arms around GRANT and throws herself into the confused Prince's lap.) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! I will marry you, your highness! ALEX (Yawns and looks at his watch.) Yikes! Guys, you took a really long time to tell the story, so, um.. lets cut to the end. Layne and Grant got married. (LAYNE and GRANT stand, arms hooked, as bride and groom. HELGA and OLGA hold up four noodles like a wedding canopy. INGA plays preacher. GRANT and LAYNE kiss and run off stage, hand in hand FAYE wipes away a tear.) It was touching. Faye got 10-20 for grand larceny. (OLGA and HELGA drag FAYE off stage, kicking and screaming. ALEX sticks his fingers in his ears.) IT WAS LOUD! Inga got therapy. (INGA lies down on a "couch" and OLGA takes notes on an imaginary pad of paper.) It was relaxing. And everyone lived ever after. (He pauses and stares in amazement as GRANT runs across stage with an arm full of women's shoes.) LAYNE (From off.) GIVE ME MY SHOES, YOU WORTHLESS OAF! (HELGA, OLGA, and INGA laugh.) LAYNE (Walks on wearing the only pair of shoes she has left, which happens to be bunny slippers. She glares at INGA, OLGA, and HELGA.) I don't hear any cleaning.. (OLGA gets on her hands and knees to scrub the floor. HELGA and begins to sweep with a noodle, and INGA dances with another.) ALEX The happiness was, of course, relative. end. AUTHOR'S NOTES: ? LaYNE is inherently evil, but she sees herself as delicate and shy. Play her straight. ? FAYE is stupid. You can play her over the top, but I'd like to believe she didn't really know what she was doing when she stole the stuff. ? No matter how stupid FAYE is, INGA is an idiot. However, she is very innocent and doesn't realize what a dingbat she is. ? GRANT is only interested in the shoe. It's shiny, and catches his attention. ? ALEX is neither male nor female. Same for the sisters. If you need to make them males, please change HELGA to JEFF, OLGA to JOHN, and INGA to JAMES.