KEN STREMSKY'S SENSE OF HUMOR The page gives examples of my sense of humor and creative writing ability. The page has THE EMPTY ROOM AND THE CANDIDATE on it which I think is humorous. THE PROMETHEUS STONE The stone of fire. The stone of water. The stone of earth. The stone of air. The stone of love. The stone of hate. The stone of abandon. The stone of success. The stone of failure. The stone of health. The stone of illness. The Prometheus Stone is the stone of life. THE ABYSS No Heaven. No Hell. No pain. No joy. No love. No hate. No justice. No mercy. No revenge. No passion. No sorrow. No good. No evil. No life. No death. Not a good place to be. LOVE If you have never loved, you have never truly lived. If you have never risked falling in love, you have not taken the most important risk of all. It is better to have a broken heart than have a heart that has never known love. If your heart has never pounded at a fast rate from seeing someone you love, your heart has missed out on the best exercise of all. Unrequited love is better than no love at all. It is better to have the person you love oblivious to the fact that you love the person than to never love at all. Fulfill one of the most important duties which a human has in life which is to be in love. THE GREAT OUTDOORS I wrote most of The GREAT OUTDOORS several years ago. THE GREAT OUTDOORS The outdoors, especially in New England should be enjoyed. The outdoors provides a place for a person to be alone to think. There are also many activities including biking and walking that may be enjoyed with other people. I find taking a walk in a light rain to be very invigorating. Sometimes a pouring rain provides the opportunity to witness a beautiful rainbow. While boating and fishing, during the early morning hours, one may hear the reawakening of nature with birds chirping and frogs croaking. How about witnessing a yellowish sun ascend into a dark blue sky or an orange sun descend from a velvet sky! Fresh flowers produce fragrances more alluring than the most expensive perfumes. Camping allows the individual to feel a special oneness with nature. There's a certain crispness in the early morning air. Hiking up a mountain is a great way to exercise. A camaraderie often develops between people from diverse backgrounds while enjoying outdoor activities together. It may be nothing more than borrowing cocoa from a fellow camper or offering assistance in erecting a tent. There's the opportunity to learn about animals and plants while on nature walks. A long walk at night from the campsite, when lighting is minimal, contributes to a feeling of self-sufficiency. It also sharpens the senses. One does not always require all the "necessities" of urban life. It becomes apparent that a dishwasher, microwave oven, clothes washer and dryer, telephone, stero, and water bed are not necessary for survival. Noticeably absent is the noise pollution of automobile and motorcycle engines. The air smells sweeter without much of the auto exhaust or chemical and gaseous emissions from factories. The water is cleaner and clearer. In short, the great outdoors allows the individual to witness the beauty of nature and the miracle of life. EXCALIBUR Extended Xylography Calibration Artifice Logarithm Ionic Bregma Unctuous Refringent CHAOS, POLITICS, AND LIFE Chaos is a fact of life. Chaos has always been a fact of life. Chaos will always be a fact of life. People may improve their ability to lessen chaos. Governments may improve their ability to lessen chaos. People may improve their ability to react to chaos. Governments may improve their ability to react to chaos. People have to ask themselves what freedoms they are willing to give up to reduce chaos and react better to chaos. People have to ask themselves what freedoms they are not willing to give up to reduce chaos and react better to chaos. The Founders of our Republic adopted The Bill of Rights to lessen the ability of our government to harm our citizens. If people usually do not vote when they are able to vote, they say they do not care what the government does to them and people they care about. People may react better to chaos by having wills, trusts, power of attorneys, life insurance policies, automobile insurance policies, and disability insurance polices. The better educated people are and the more varied their educational experiences the better people may deal with chaos. People who are willing to listen to bad news may lessen the harm that chaos does. Governments who are willing to listen to bad news may lessen the harm that chaos does. HOW AMERICA WILL BECOME AN EMPIRE In the future, a soldier as capable as Caesar will conquer our enemies with ease. he will rally against a do nothing Congress and a Supreme Court that became a joke years earlier. He will run for elective office and win. He will call on people to trust him and love him. He will ask them to vote the rascals out and trust him with their liberties. He will succeed because less than thirty percent of the population at that time will have ever heard of the Bill of Rights. He will be a fan of spectator sports and have fights to the death on television. His descendants will be sane for a while and then Washington will burn while a modern day Nero plays the fiddle. THE WOMAN She can walk like a cat. She can dance like an angel. When she prances, men and women stare. They both want her very, very bad. She knows and she does not care. She is a modern woman who looks like Aphrodite would if Aphrodite is as perfect as can be. When she talks, her sweet sounds penetrate the minds of men and women and they think of things they have never thought of before. She knows what she wants and she gets what she wants. She is comfortable with who she is and her sexual appetite. She can be voracious. If you pick on kids in her presence, expect to be clawed and gutted. She is a modern woman and I like modern women. THE TIGER AND THE HAWK The Tiger and the Hawk were born on the same day several years ago. They became friends when they ate the same rabbit. The Tiger launches and the Hawk climbs. The Tiger dashes and the Hawk soars. They are predators. They eat and they eat. They sing and dance. The Hawk screeches and the Tiger Roars. After the Tiger and Hawk die, their souls become one and the TigerHawk is born. The TigerHawk screeches through the air while its colors are as radiant as the sun. BIKING AND STUPIDITY The following is a true story. When I was 15 years old, I was biking to a religious class. I saw a beatiful black van. Instead of watching where I was going, I followed the path of the van. When I turned around, I saw a pole in front of me. I slammed on the brakes hard which was really, really stupid because I was not wearing a helmet. I went over my handlebars. Miraculously, the next thing I knew the tire of my bike was between my legs and my hands were on my handlebars. Time slowed down and I slowly coasted into the pole. I lightly tapped the pole and I was amazed that I was fine. I am surprised that I did not break my neck or back that day. I am surprised I did not die that day. THE EMPTY ROOM AND THE CANDIDATE I wrote THE EMPTY ROOM AND THE CANDIDATE at the Concord Public Library on June 29, 2002. THE EMPTY ROOM AND THE CANDIDATE One hundred chairs and not a soul in sight. $20 for 3 hours. And not a question to be heard. No complaints. No comments. No advice. No concerns told. No issues discussed. No votes gained or lost. The candidate read, drew, and drank water. The candidate wondered if it was his body odor that kept people away. Maybe it is his personality he thought. Could be the fact that the candidate can not whistle, snap his fingers properly to make loud snaps, and blow decent bubbles with gum. Could be his positions on the issues. Possibly his grammar mistakes that make ENGLISH teachers cringe. Could be his spelling mistakes that most sixth graders could catch and he does not. Maybe its his khaki shorts and green shirt. Could it be his Timex watch? The candidate wondered if the red chairs are more comfortable than the grey chairs. The candidate thought maybe he should give away Monopoly money to people to buy their votes. At least Monopoly money looks better than the $20 bill he thought. The candidate wondered when they are going to have a purple dollar coin the size of two quarters. He had hoped to discuss Turkey and gravy with mashed potatos or the Bill of Rights. Sometimes, he wonders if people value their freedoms. Sometimes, he wonders if the Red Sox will ever win another World Series. Sometimes, the candidate wonders if a train going from Cleveland meets with a train from Boston and they decide to mate if a conductor will be born. The candidate smelled his breathe and it smelled like fried chicken. He wonders if there were fried potatos in the supermarket and he did not see them. He wonders if hangers would like to be called clothes friendly devices. The candidate hears the fan blowing and wonders if he is full of hot air. He wonders if the bubble has burst and the canary has flown the coop. Where is a miner when you need a miner? The candidate wonders if MSNBC reporters eat bananas or only thinks they eat bananas. Is a banana a banana or is it an orange that has been stretched? Why are the walls tan and not black and blue? The candidate wonders if he lost any weight when he walked from his house to the Manchester bus depot to catch a bus to Concord. The candidate wonders if he should have combed his hair, gotten a water gun, and robbed Fort Knox. The candidate wonders if magnetic chairs and magnetic trains would fly though the air like torpedoes from a submarine if the Earth is hit by an asteroid made out of iron. Would apple pies be as sweet if bees did not pollinate orchards? Would race cars crash more often if they are driven by politicians? Probably! Politicians certainly do not know what they are doing when it comes to regulating businesses properly. If ducks quack and geese quack, why are so many politicians quacks? If you put a screwdriver in a cup, do you a. drink it b. fix a television set yourself c. connect it to a kite and play Ben Franklin The candidate wonders if he should have spaghetti or pasta or snails. The candidate has never had snails and wonders if you put snails and a turtle in front of an elephant if the elephant would be willing to hire a mouse as a hit man. Creative writing is something the candidate sometimes does. He figures creative accounting would either get him a CEO job or a term in jail. The candidate wonders if he wrote poetry like Casanova if women would swoon. Maybe I should give them chocolate truffles and prance like male birds do in front of female birds. He decides not to do that. He figures he will let drunk guys in bars do that. If you mix vinegar and oil, do you get salad dressing or do you get a hangover remedy. The candidate wonders what smells worse - a skunk in the New York Stock Exchange or a skunk in elected office. If the candidate writes literature, the candidate thinks he might as well write something that does not rhyme and often makes no sense at all! How many guys who ask a girl on a date get told yes and never go out with the girl because she is a. too busy or b. spending time with her boyfriend she did not tell you she had when you asked her out on a date If you played the 1812 overture backwards, would the British win the Revolutionary War? If you placed libraries on top of each other, would they hold as much information as the Library of Congress. The candidate hopes people will vote for him. If voters do not vote for him, he will still enjoy fine foods occasionally. He will of course drink water so he does not die of thirst. BANANA ICE CREAM The author of this piece wonders if any company will ever sell banana ice cream in half gallon containers that do not have nuts, chocolate sauce, and other flavors with the banana ice cream. The author would like to know if ice cream manufacturers have ever considered the possibility that potassium makes humans desirable. Do bananas know how much the author appreciates them? The author doubts it. The idea of talking to food has never made sense to the author. SOME JOKES ABOUT THE CANDIDATE One. Question. What is the difference between the candidate and a canary? Answer. When a canary smells something bad in a mine it flies away. When the candidate smells something bad in a mine, the candidate wonders if the smell came from him and he falls over and dies. Two. Question. Why did the candidate cross the road? Answer. He saw a woman with lasso and he wonders if she would lasso him. Three. Question. Why did the candidate try to fly like a plane? Answer. He wanted to impress the ladies. Four. Question. Why did the candidate eat baked beans? Answer. The girl he likes likes to cook with gas.