I See

"Oh Lord," I murmured under my breath as I trailed behind Heidi into JC Penny's. Mom had practically dragged me into the store and I wasn't exactly happy about being here. Needless to say, I certainly hadn't enjoyed our little shopping expedition lasting the entire evening. This was the fourth place we'd visited in three hours on the quest for my Holy Grail, which unfortunately happened to be a damn prom dress.

While I can rarely be found shopping in trendy stores, my jaw had dropped at the quality - or lack of quality, rather - of the dresses we came across. Nearly everything was strapless and extremely small, both in length as well as width. By this time, however, I was nearly numb to the uncomfortable feeling of dresses clinging tightly to my body.. nearly.

I don't know what I'd expected, but for the most part we'd also been picking through scraps. Most of the racks held dresses that were worn and only size two's or size twenty-two's and not much in between. And for those that did remain, let's just say that my late grandmother would probably whole-heartedly agree that they were out of style were she with us.

What was extremely odd to me was that neither Heidi nor Mom had shared any words to me about the hockey game since Wednesday night. Not one word. Obviously they had a more important agenda on mind.

"Lindsey, come on." Mom spoke crossly over her shoulder. "We're not going to find you a dress any faster with you dragging your feet like that."

"We could always not find me a dress." I replied with a scowl to the back of her head. "I'd be content with that."

"After all our looking?" Heidi whirled around and asked incredulously. "With all the hard work we've put in today, now we have to find something."

"That's right.. hard work." I snorted to myself.

"I think I broke a nail back at Hecht's following the unspoken law of the shopping jungle: one must search until one finds hideous prom dress," I stopped at the closest rack and grabbed a dress.

"Look, mission accomplished. Let's go home."

"We discussed this in Leah's Bridal Shop, Lindsey," Mom frowned at the dress in my hands. "Red isn't your color."

"Oh, forgive me." I rolled my eyes and set the dress back. Glancing ahead of me, I noticed through narrowed eyes how perfectly Mom and Heidi looked together: both had tall, naturally slender figures and soft blonde hair, Heidi's being long and Mom's short. They even walked similarly, casually and gracefully dipping their hips with each step. Me on the other hand, had the grace of a slug as I stomped behind them in my short, bulky frame. I had one positive thing to say about myself after this morning though: when I'd stepped on the scale, I'd delighted that I'd finally started loosing weight again - six pounds too.

Not too shabby, I thought of the loss, catching a glance of my reflection in a mirror as I passed it.

Must've been all those nervous calories. While not looking ahead of me, I failed to notice that Mom had stopped, and I gently bumped against her back, sending her a few steps forward.

"Linds!" She scolded me, struggling not to trip. "Try not to be so clumsy."

"Sorry." I mumbled.

You trip over your own feet and I'm the one who's clumsy? Common sense got the best of me again, so I chose another comment:

"Are were here yet?" I glanced around at the sea of clothing racks around us.

"Yes. Ladies, let's start our browsing." I half expected Mom to shoot up a flare as she and Heidi separated into two different corners of the section, leaving me standing in the center aisle. With a sigh, I walked off by myself, my fingers sorting through the closest rack they came in contact with.

"Ugh.." I flipped a hanger past me. "Ugly.. Hideously ugly.. Too expensive.. bandanas that cover more of my chest than this.. Why couldn't sequins have died out in the eighties?"

With a disgruntled sight, I abandoned the rack and moved on to another, not remembering the last time I was so bored. Closing my eyes, I stretched out my hand and opened them when I felt a soft material brush against my fingertips.

"This isn't half-bad.." I murmured, pausing at the rack. Keeping my hand in place, I parted the dresses to reveal my find. My eyes lit up with surprise as I discovered a long, near floor length for me, hunter green dress. Although it was sleeveless, it's straps were actually wider than spaghetti noodles (surprise, surprise), and it had a simple v-shaped neckline. Flipping it over, I noticed the plunge in the back and shuddered at the thought of a strapless bra.

Still.. this is beautiful. I flipped over the dress to the front again and felt my heart crush as I checked the tag. Not only a hundred and thirty-five dollars, there's no way in hell I could squeeze into a size eight.

Then again, I thought, running my hands over the soft fabric again. It's nicer than any of the other slutty dresses I've seen today.

Wouldn't hurt to see if there's another in my size. I actually felt hopeful as I flipped through the rack of dresses, noticing three including the one my fingers still rested on. That good feeling didn't last very long though, when I first discovered a size two.

Well, that's definitely out of the ballpark. I jerked the hanger forward angrily and checked the last dress, getting a bittersweet response to it's size: sixteen.

"One too big, one too small," I sighed, deciding it easiest to grab them both. I jumped when I turned around, nearly knocking into Mom again. I sighed more deeply when I eyed at least seven dresses in her arms and Heidi behind her with even more.

"You actually found something here?" Mom asked me with surprise. As I nodded silently and held up the dress to her, she smiled faintly.

"It's lovely, Lindsey.. but you can't wear a size eight."

"I know." I replied through gritted teeth.

"I don't think so." I poked my head out of the changing room and frowned at the dress on me. While it was a beautiful shade of navy blue, the slanted waist was incredibly itchy against my skin. Its looped sleeves perched high atop my shoulders, even higher than my shoulder pads for hockey. Worse, it was enormous, just like all the other dresses Mom had picked for me. I couldn't help but wonder exactly how big she thought I really was.

"Come out and let us see it." Heidi rolled her eyes. She immediately frowned upon seeing me. She wasn't above criticism in her own dress choices: all the ones Heidi had handed me were too small. While I appreciated her thinking I look smaller than I actually am, the feeling and look of your stomach bulging through dry-clean only clothing aren't the most encouraging.

Not that I blame her, I slowly stepped into the middle of the changing room, in front of a row of mirrors. Smoothing my hair behind my ears, I glanced up at Mom without much enthusiasm.

"I don't know about that one.." She motioned for me to turn around.

Just let me take the damn thing off.

"I hate it." I stated flatly. "Can I try on the green one?"

"Try the purple one I found again." Heidi chirped into the conversation. I immediately glared at her.

"I am not going to be seen with a huge-ass bow bouncing over my butt, thank you." I informed her indignantly.

"Lindsey, watch your language or you won't be going to any dances." Mom immediately warned me.

That's way too tempting..

"Don't give her that offer," Heidi laughed. "The purple one looked nicest on you, that's all."

"I hate purple." I replied, my tone of voice lingering on a whine. "And yellow, and orange, and pink, for the record. Now, after trying on all thirteen dresses from you guys, can I please just try on the one I found?"

"Lindsey, I-" Mom sighed loudly, throwing up her hands. "Fine. Go ahead. Just don't complain when it doesn't fit."

"These dresses don't fit me either!" I retorted, pulling the middle away from my stomach, showing a large gap of fabric. "I'll try the sixteen first, if it'll make you feel better."

"Just go," She sighed again, settling back into her seat in the corner as if admitting defeat. Not waiting for her to change her mind, I spun around and retreated back into the changing room, shutting the door behind me. After a sigh of relief as the navy dress hit the floor, I reached for the larger of the two green dresses. As I slipped it over my head, my mouth dropped open as it slid over my shoulders and piled onto the floor next to the navy one.

Ok, that's not going to work. I stared in amazement as the dress still lay collected around my ankles. I glanced suspiciously at my reflection in the full-length mirror as I bent over and picked it up, placing it back on the hanger.

Nothing looks different at all, I frowned at my body, sucking in my stomach and sliding my fingertips gently over my sides. All my hard work and nothing's different.

"Any day now, Linds." Heidi pounded her fist on the door loudly, making me jump.

"Just a sec." I replied.

Ok, now for a complete depression.. I grabbed the other dress and slowly unzipped the back. I flinched as I laid it near the floor and stepped into it. Squeezing my eyes closed, I prepared for the tightness I expected to feel as I lifted it up to my shoulders, but none came. In fact, after opening my eyes, my mouth dropped open a second time as I slipped my arms through the sides and slid the dress over my shoulders effortlessly.

It actually fits!? No one could've been more surprised than me.

Reality check, I reminded myself. You still have to zip it up.

With trembling fingers, I reached behind my waist until I felt the cool plastic of the zipper. Sucking in my breath and stomach nervously, I slowly pulled the zipper up over my backside then the curve of my lower back.

"Ok, so it fits when I can't breathe," I muttered, determined not to get overly excited here. Doubting thoughts circling through my head, I relaxed my stomach and waited to see the bulge in the dress from it. Suprisingly, none came.

"Lindsey, come on! We're going to another bridal shop in the mall now." Heidi reappeared.

"No we're not." I grinned proudly, flinging open the door. "I actually like it."

"Come out and let me see.. Oh, that is nice on you." For the first time it felt like I had her approval as she nodded at me then called to Mom,

"Mom, Lindsey doesn't look too bad in this one." She grinned at me and added in a whisper, "Who would've thought you have a figure underneath all those baggy clothes you normally wear."

"I like my clothes," I frowned at her, gesturing to what I was wearing now. "This is not normal."

"No, but it still looks good on you." Heidi smiled warmly. "Who knew that my little sister actually has cleavage."

"Heidi!" I scowled at her, immediately crossing my arms over my chest. This conversation was suddenly becoming incredibly awkward for me.

"Hey, if you have it, work it." She continued. "You're going to have to accept the fact that you're a girl some time."

"Well.. not any time soon." I muttered.

"Did you put the purple one back on?" Mom called, reminding us of her presence. For once today, I was glad to hear her voice.

"No, the green one." I replied.

"Oh.. Come out here then." She said crossly. "I'm tired."

"Aren't we all," I muttered as I passed Heidi in the doorway and walked toward Mom's cranky voice. For another first, it didn't hurt to see her critical glance over me as she inspected the dress.

"That the size 16?" She asked, standing up and guiding me to the mirrors. I shook my head excitedly.

"No, the 8."

Damn, it feels good to say that.

"Oh.. The design must be large for its style then." Mom bent down and tugged at the skirt, smoothing out a few wrinkles in the back. My smile immediately dissolved at her words.

"I.. think it looks nice." I said in a thin voice.

"Well, it's slimming for you, so that's good." She stood up and adjusted the shoulders, her hands lightly brushing against my skin softly.

"Mom, it's fine." I shook her hands off, not liking how they felt on me. She glanced at me in surprise, then changed her look to a critical one. I prepared myself for another argument, but she kept her mouth shut.

"I guess it'll have to do." She finally said.

"It's kind of expensive." I mumbled, remembering the price on the tag.

"I have a coupon, so Happy Birthday." She waved her hand, motioning for me to go back into the changing room.

"Are you sure we can afford it?" I asked cautiously, remembering the conversation where we couldn't afford new hockey equipment for me.

"Of course. We don't live like paupers." As Mom's shoulders bounced with light laughter, I nodded slightly.

"I see."

Do I ever.

"If there's ever a limit to spending time at the mall, we passed it tonight." Heidi sighed with relief as she dropped her bags on the living room couch. I agreed whole-heartedly with her, laying down the six bags that were straining my arms: the dress, extremely high-heel shoes, dye for the shoes, control-top nylons, a new purse - I sure wasn't going to be going unaccessorized. Maybe that would cover up for the fact that I didn't have a date, I wasn't exactly sure of Mom's intentions on buying all of them.

"No kidding." I replied as the phone rang. She bolted into the kitchen to answer it, probably in hopes of it being her boyfriend.

"Linds, it's for you." She tossed the phone over to me, adding "Don't be too long. I'm expecting Kyle to call."

"Who's Kyle?" I could only guess.

"Hello, my new boyfriend?" She replied haughtily. "We've been going out for weeks now."

"Whatever happened to Cliff.. ?" I wondered, keeping my palm over the receiver.

"Anyone who takes caffeine pills is a loser." She informed me. "That's dangerous."

"No kidding," I murmured, shaking my head and turning my attention to the phone. "Hello?"

"Lindsey?" A male voice asked, sounding very familiar. It wasn't Zac though, I knew that much, but I still couldn't place it.

"Speaking. Who is this?"

"David."

"Oh, hi!" I smiled. "How are you?"

"Good, a little stressed though. How are you?"

"Exhausted. I'd like it to go on record that I hate malls after tonight."

"All right." He laughed into the phone.

"Why are you stressed?" I was curious to ask.

"You aren't!?" He asked incredulously.

"No.." I frowned with confusion. "Should I be?"

"Wow, you must be that smart. I'm so nervous about our Driver's Ed final tomorrow."

".. Oh my God!!" I nearly dropped the phone.

I completely forgot about that!

"Lindsey.. ? Are you still there?" David asked. I immediately found my voice again.

"Yeah, sorry." I paced nervously in a circle around the kitchen table. "What are you doing right now?"

"Just going over some notes. Why?" I bit my lip and chewed on it thoughtfully, regretting having to ask for this:

"Can you come over to help me study?"

"What, right now?"

".. Yeah," I replied with a sigh. "I'm really sorry."

"Good thing I called you about a few questions." He laughed again.

"No one appreciates that more than me, David." After giving him directions to my house, I made sure to add. "I owe you big."

"Not a problem. I need the review myself."

"You're a life saver." I sighed, realizing this had turned into another sleepless night.

"See you in a few."

"Ok.. Oh, wait a minute David." I quickly added, "Please forgive my mother of anything she says before she says it."

"Umm.. ok." I couldn't blame the guy for sounding confused. "Bye."

"Bye." As I placed the phone back in its cradle, I heaved my ten thousandth sigh for the evening. Turning around, I caught sight of my hockey equipment still sitting on the living room floor, as if waiting for someone to come along and trip over it. Mom had so nicely laid my new dress over my gym bags as well.

Now this I wouldn't mind tripping over, I thought, walking over and picking up the slippery plastic dress bag. Tripping over it, ripping it to pieces, dragging it through the mud, lighting a match to it.. Not that I don't love it, I don't have time for stupid dances.

"Be careful, you're dragging the bottom on the floor." I glanced over my shoulder as someone spoke up behind me. "As much as Mom paid for that dress, don't get it dirty."

"Sorry, Heidi." I lifted up the bottom of the dress bag and carefully laid it over the back of the couch. Notcing her glance down at my hockey equipment and not make any attemps to move out of the room, I asked,

"Do you need to talk to me or something?"

"Not really," she replied slowly, as if searching for the right words. I didn't have the time for her to think about it though.

"Well, shoot." I replied hastily. "I'm in kind of a hurry now."

"You.. did really good in your game last night." She finally said.

"I did?" The corners of my mouth twitched upward into an amused smile. Heidi knew nothing about hockey. If I had the time, I'd still be in amazement that she'd showed up for it with Mom and Dad.

"Yeah." She replied softly. "It was fun to cheer for you."

"Thanks," I replied with a scoff. "That was probably the last game you'll ever see me play in, if Mom has anything to say about it."

"Mom loved watching your game." Heidi said wistfully, pulling on a strand of her hair. "You couldn't hear her yelling?"

"Nope," I shook my head in confusion. "I couldn't hear anything between the National Anthem and the end of the game. I was nerve-racked the whole time."

"Well," she perched her tiny frame next to my dress, running her fingers absently around the label on the bag. "She did. Hideously embarrassing too."

"That's what parents are good for." I laughed bitterly. "Food, shelter, clothing, and occasional public humiliation."

Not to mention personal jabs and encouragement to completely change your lifestyle, I added in my head.

"I.. have to call Kyle now." She said quietly. I nodded my understanding. As I watched her trail into the kitchen, I squinted my eyes and wondered where the hell that had come from. I didn't have too long to wonder though, for the doorbell rang.

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate this," I said to David as we settled onto the kitchen table.

"Hey, I need the help studying myself." He admitted, smiling to me. "And for the fourth time, your welcome."

"It's kind of late," I stammered, feeling my cheeks blush a little at his smile. "So, where do we get starte-"

"Lindsey? Did you get the door?" Mom appeared in the doorway, decked out in her extremely unflattering bathrobe. "Oh, hello."

"Mom, this is David." I spoke up as she eyed him critically. "He's going to help me study for our Driver's Ed exam tomorrow."

"Oh, all right." She sighed with relief. "Don't stay up too late though. You father is coming home tomorrow afternoon."

"We won't." I promised. Dad had been gone for the last week and a half on a shipment run. He occasionally had to make cross-country trips for his company. Now there's a job I wouldn't mind: driving wherever you wanted, getting to see all kinds of people, no one to bother you on the open road. Must be nice.

"Nice to meet you." David replied politely to Mom. My heart sank as her eyes lit up after giving him another once-over. Reaching her thoughts, I shook my head furiously back and forth, but she ignored me.

Uh-oh.

"David, do you have any plans tomorrow night?"

No!! I didn't like the gleam in Mom's eyes one bit, for I knew exactly what she was thinking. Don't ask him that!

"Mom, we're studying." I quickly interrupted her, but she ignored me again.

"Not that I know of." He replied, his brown eyes flooding with confusion. After glancing at me for a few seconds, he asked curiously,

"Why?"

"Lindsey has a little dance tomorrow night, the prom, but she doesn't have anyone to go with." I could've put a bullet through my forehead and it would've been less painful that the embarrassment I felt at the moment.

"Mom, don't ask him." I hissed loudly. "He's probably busy."

"No, I'm actually not." To my surprise, he glanced at me again and smiled. "I'd love to take you."

"Wonderful! Pick her up here at seven thirty." Mom clasped her hands together and gave me a smug smile, before winking suggestively and exiting the room. An uncomfortable silence immediately engulfed the kitchen after she was gone.

"So, um... yeah." I choked out random words. "How many feet are you supposed to stop in front of a railroad track?"

"It's ok," David laughed loudly. At least one of us was taking this well.

"You don't have to take me to the prom." I told him quietly, staring down at my Driver's Ed notes. "I won't be upset."

"Like I said, I'd love to take you." I glanced up shyly as David reached out and warmly placed his hand over mine.

".. Thank you." At the moment, any thoughts of Driver's Ed had completely left my brain as I slowly returned his smile.