I Never

"Are you absolutely sure that you know where you're going?" Mom asked me for the third time.

"Yes." I emphasized through gritted teeth as I swung my leg over the seat of my bike. Adjusting the straps of my backpack that hung over my shoulders, I repeated Anne's directions flatly,

"Five blocks past Oak Street, a mile and a half to Grovesner, make a left, then an immediate left.. go straight for about two miles then turn right onto West Street. Anne's house is the fourth on the right, a gray split-level ranch-style house with blue shutters. She'll leave the porch light on."

"Just be sure to call home when you get there." Mom crossed her arms over her chst and rubbed her shoulder distractedly.

"To make sure you're safe." She added, as the night wind blew against her bathrobe.

If you were really concerned about my safety, then you'd get off your lazy butt and take fifteen minutes to drive me over, I thought bitterly. Instead, now I have to ride my bike in the dark.

"Your homework done?" She interrupted my thoughts. With a firm nod of my head, I struggled to hold my bitterness inside. Last thing I wanted or needed right now was a lecture about how unappreciative I was of her letting me go tonight.

"Yes." I tried very hard not to sound bitter in my response. Inside, I was itching to leave. The blackness of night that surrounded me on the end of our driveway didn't help any. Neither did Mom's sudden reluctance to let me leave.

"Mom, I appreciate your concern, but I really need to leave." I said quietly. "The sooner I leave, the sooner I'll get to Anne's house and the sooner I'll call to let you know I'm ok."

"Be careful, kiddo." She waved awkwardly, turned, and headed into the house, leaving me alone.

I'll never understand you. With a shake of my head, I pumped my legs into my pedals and took off. Fortunately, at this hour the streets were pretty much deserted. The eerie purplish glow from the street lamps dully lit the sidewalk beneath my bike tires, while the wind blew lightly against my cheeks. As I continued following Anne's directions, my spirit lifted as I thought of my first sleepover party. Spending the night at the Hansons and pinning Zac on the floor so I could put makeup on him don't count - we were only seven. Still, the memories were priceless.

"Get off me!" Zac squirmed beneath me. I kept him pinned.

"Be nice." I warned him in a teasing voice. "Or I'll kiss you."

"Eww!! Of me - NOW!" He yelped loudly. For fear his mom would hear, I slid off his stomach and let him sit up.

"Have a cow, why don't you?" I made a face at my best friend.

"That's so last week, Lindsey." He taunted me back.

"Oh..." The two of us fell silent for a few moments. Then Zac turned to me suddenly, and asked in a serious tone,

"Have you ever kissed anyone?"

"Only my Grammy."

"That's not what I meant." He shook his head. "I mean, kissed a boy?"

"No. Heidi does." I replied, eyeing him as he scooted next to me. "All the time."

"So does Ike." He thought for a moment. "Have you ever wondered what it's like?"

"No." I shook my head and shuddered at the thought.

"Never?"

"Never. Kissing boys is gross."

"Oh.." His face fell. "So, you'd never want to kiss me then."

"I can't kiss you." I scolded him with my index finger. "You're my best friend."

"So? Friends kiss."

"Now that's really gross."

"You're just scared." He taunted me.

"I am not!" I cried indignantly, frowning at him.

"Then kiss m-mph" Zac started when I grabbed his shirt roughly and pulled him to me. We sat silently, our mouths smushed together tightly, until I thought my lungs would burst and I shoved him away.

"There. Let's do something else now." I stood up, indicating I was tired of this kissing game. He followed suit, his eyes never leaving mine.

"That was really gross." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I told you."

"Promise me that you'll never let another girl kiss me."

"Of course." I smiled. "I'm your best friend."

Ahh.. where did that come from? I wondered, screeching my breaks to a hault. The incident had slipped my mind until now. Fortunately, as I glanced up, I caught the name 'West' on the street sign above me and hurried across the intersection. My eyes scanned the neighborhood until I saw a porch light on. Groaning inwardly, it looked at least a half mile from where I was currently located. I could only hope I wouldn't get anymore flashbacks on the way over - last thing I needed was to be even more depressed.

"Lindsey!" Anne greeted me at the front door. "Good. You're the last one. Come on in."

"Thanks Anne." I panted to her. "You know, I think there's a mistake on your directions."

"There is?" She asked, holding the door open for me.

"Yeah.. It's gotta be more miles than three from Oak Street."

"Did you directions say 3 miles?" She asked, shaking her head. "That's a typo. It's actually nine."

"I know that now," I said dryly. "Where can I put my bike?"

"You rode your bike here? God, let me get you something to drink." Anne gushed. "And you can set it in the backyard. Just heave it over the fence and let yourself back in. We're all in the living room."

"Ok," I obligued, setting my backpack on her porch. As I carefully wheeled my bike around her house, I groaned when I saw the three feet tall wire fence that enclosed her backyard. I felt the joints behind my knees crack as I bent down and picked up my bike in my hands, lifted it up to my shoulders, and rested it on the top of the fence. With beads of sweat dripping down the sides of my cheeks, I slowly released it until it hit the soft grass on the other side, wrapping my stomach over the fence as I did so. I rested for a few seconds, my palms clutching the fence, blinking furious to try and rid the spinning sensation out of my head.

Something's not right, I clutched my forehead in both palms as I felt myself slipping forward uncontrollably. My fingers grasping blindly in the dark, they clasp tightly onto the wire mesh of the fence as I caught myself from falling.

Get a grip before someone comes out here to check on you, I scolded myself, tightening my grip on the fence.

"Hi everyone," I waved awkwardly at the girls on my team from my position in the doorway. It didn't hit me how little I actually knew of them, outside of practice, but there we rarely had time to get to know each other personally.

"Great. We're all set then." Anne stood up off the couch and gestured me to come further into the room. As I did, she brushed past me and shut the front door, locking it securely. I watched curiously as she walked back into the living room to shut all the Venesian blinds over the windows, as well as dulling the lights.

"Take your seats everyone. Lindsey, you sit next to Heather."

"Is this 'I Never' Anne?" Meredith asked gleefully as she took a seat on the floor. Despite the dull lighting, I found Heather and sat on her right, noticing how we were sitting in a circular pattern around the living room rug.

"Hi," I whispered hoarsely to her. She smiled back at me but didn't return the greeting.

"Shh!" Anne shushed me and nodded at Meredith, taking a place in the center of the circle. "Now.. let's get started."

"For the past seven years, we've been a team." She addressed all of us in the circle. "And every year we have a party before the first game. Not only is this to stengthen our team unity and get to know each other, but it's also a way to initiate new members here."

"The game here is I Never." She looked directly at me. "When it's your turn, you say something that you've never done that you think other people here have. If you have done it, take a drink."

"A drink of what?" I whispered to Heather.

"Just a second." She whispered back, as something was passed over to her. I heard the clinking of two bottles together before something cold and slippery was passed into my right hand, and something soft and heavy in the left.

"Pass the bag in your left hand to your left. Keep the bottle in your right." Heather whispered.

"Ahem. If you two are done talking, I'm not done up here." Anne interrupted us as I obligued in this estranged passing game.

'Sorry,' I mouthed to her before she continued.

"Since you're new with us, Lindsey, the rules are a little different." I swallowed lightly as she held my gaze. "If you have never done what the person says, you also take a drink."

"So I pretty much am drinking every time someone says something?" I interrupted the silence with my awkward question.

"Exactly." She narrowed her eyes and took a few steps toward me. "I'll open your beer first."

Wait a minute here!! My mind panicked. No one said anything about beer! I'm only fifteen this is so illegal! But the sternness I saw on Anne's voice made me realize that I had no choice. I glanced around the circle and saw twenty-one pairs of eyes staring at me with the same sternness, Heather nodded me encouragingly. These twenty-one pairs of eyes belonged to people that I so desperately wanted to please, I succumbed and lifted my bottle to Anne's opener.

"I've.. Never had sex before." Meridith sat down abruptly after her turn. With a groan, I placed my mouth over the cool glass lip of the bottle. I hadn't even a clue as to what kind I was drinking because of the dull lighting, but it smelled extremely sour. Pausing before I lifted the bottle, I noticed everyone staring at me again, smiles on their faces now. With an inward sigh, I tilted the bottle slightly and waited.

If I'd thought the beer smelled horrible, it tasted even worse. My poor tongue didn't know what had hit it either, as I immediately fought the urge to spit the foul liquid back into the bottle. Holding it in my mouth made tears spring to the corner or my eyes, the beer burning the tastebubs nearly right off my tongue.

"Umm.. you need to swallow it, not just hold it in your mouth, Lindsey." Heather pointed out. I squeezed my eyes shut and cocked my head back, fighting the urge to vomit as the beer slid into the back of my throat, burning all the way down as I complied. Strangely enough, the second I did, the entire circle erupted into loud cheers and I felt a slap on my back.

"Good girl." I smiled weakly at the girl on my left.

This is going to be hell at the end if Meredith's the first person to go. I hated the thought. At least it's worth it.

fifteen minutes later..

"And I..." I slurred my words. "I umm.. I don't know! Hee hee."

"Lindsey, remember it's your turn." Meredith rolled her eyes from across the circle.

"I know." I wagged my index finger at her, giggling the whole time. "Don't lecture meeee..."

"No lectures here." She held up her hands calmly. "Just go."

"Go where?" I asked, proving that standing up was a mistake. The entire room started spinning around and I held out my left hand to steady myself, the right hand tightly clenching my precious beer. By this time, I couldn't even taste the stuff anymore, let alone how many times I'd drank out of the bottle.

"Maybe it was a mistake to put tequila in there instead of beer." Meredith whispered to Anne as the two of them watched with amusement as I staggered a few steps.

"What can I say?" Anne whispered back. "Tradition is tradition."

"Can't say much for tradition in your orange juice." Meredith snorted softly as she pointed to Anne's glass. "What gives with that?"

"I can't have alcohol, stupid." Anne softly rubbed her stomach, still glancing at me. "Apparently, Lindsey shouldn't either."

"Sure I can!" I cried happily, shaking my beer can at her. As I whipped around to face them, a few drops flew out from the bottle and landed on nearly everyone on my right.

"Eww!" "Gross!" "I just bought this shirt!" "God, Tequila reeks." Were several of the complaints that filtered in and out of my ears. I just giggled and pointed my fingers at them.

"Tequila shower! Tequila shower!!" I waved the bottle threateningly. "This is war!"

"And I've also designated myself as the official hair-holder." Anne muttered, rising to her feet and joining me.

"NOooo.. !" I complained as she carefully pried the bottle from my grasp.

"You've had enough, sweetie." She set the bottle on the floor and grabbed my elbows roughly. "Now it's time to say a few prayers to the porcelain gods. You guys clean up down here. I don't want my parents to find a single bottle when they get home tomorrow."

"But I'm Christiannn," I murmured loudly into Anne's ears as she led me up the stairs, my feet slipping every other step.

"I know, Sweetie." She whispered back to me. "But I'm doing this more for that rug we were sitting around than you right now."

"Rrrug?" She caught me as I stumbled forward clumsily and sat abruptly down on the stairs. "What rug?"

"No, don't stop here," she commanded me, lifting me up by the armpits and directing me further up the stairs.

"This is t-taking for-EVER," I giggled. "How far have we gone?"

"Four steps." Anne sighed. "Keep going."

"Ok, don't be such a bitch about it!" I snapped coldly. "Samantha.. now she is the only one allowed to be a B-bitch. The Queen Bitch, too."

"Yes, Samantha's a bitch." She replied kindly, adding under her breath, "Whoever that is. I'm just worried about my rug."

"What rug?" I turned and asked her, pitching forward into her lap, giggling like mad as we crashed into the banister on the side of the stairs. Anne certainly wasn't laughing as her elbows banged into it.

"Anne.." I mumbled into her shirt. "I-i.. I don't th-think I feel so good."

"That's what I was afraid of." She pulled me back onto my feet. "As bad as you feel now, it's nothing compared to how you'll feel next morning, Lightweight."

"Nuh-uh." I corrected her. "Not lightweight. Fat Ass."

"Ok, Lindsey. Just get upstairs.. Now!"