How's It Gonna Be?

"It feels like it's been forever." I sighed and hugged Zac tightly.

"It has been." I suddenly felt his body grow rigid in my arms. With a frown on his face and his brown eyes dark, Zac pulled away slowly and looked down at me.

"Lindsey, we have to talk." Taking a few steps back myself, I swallowed the dryness that appeared in the back of my throat at Zac's words. Deep down, I agreed with him one hundred percent right; it was just a matter of exactly how much of the truth I was going to tell him.

"I know." I sighed.

"It's getting dark.." Zac replied absently. "Everyone's inside though, so we won't get much privacy if we talk in there."

"Outside's fine." My eyes followed to the set of patio furniture that Zac pointed to and I nodded. Following a step and half behind him, I took a seat on the cool plastic closest to the door to the Hansons' living room.

Nothing wrong with a quick escape if necessary.

"So.. You want to go first?" Zac cleared his throat. Peering over at him, I noticed how oddly his skin looked, tinted orange beneath the back porch's overhead lights. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, I-"

"Lindsey, you don't know how pissed off I've been." With his slow, emphasized words, it was obvious Zac was trying to keep his temper under control. I had to give him a little credit for that.

".. I can imagine." I gripped the chair's plastic armrests tightly with my fingers as he interrupted me again.

"I'm not sure if you can." He replied thoughtfully.

"Well, spill it then." I relaxed my death grip on the chair as his face broke into a small grin.

"Ok, I can admit that at first I had no clue why you were avoiding me. At first, I took it personally, like I'd done something rotten to you."

Dating Samantha qualifies as that, I kept that thought silent.

".. But then I realized it was all about Samantha."

"Samantha?" I sucked my breathe in quickly.

"Yeah." Zac nodded. "I mean, I know you don't really like her."

"Well, she is your.. girlfriend now." God it hurt to say that, I thought, hoping the sentence hadn't come out as bitterly as I felt at the moment.

"She'd like to think she is." I cocked my head sideways and stared at Zac after his response.

"Everything ok?"

"I'm not sure." He admitted with a sigh, sending my spirits soaring. "But that's not really the issue here."

Bam! They came crashing back to reality.

"Well..." My voice trailed off while I debated what to say next. "You're partially right. I'm sorry Zac, I don't like Samantha."

"I was afraid of that." Zac's face fell. I held up my hand, signaling I had more to explain.

"I guess I just couldn't deal with you dating her, so instead of bitching about it to you, I just chose to avoid you altogether. I'm sorry.. I guess I just didn't want to hurt your feelings."

Well, it's sort of the truth. It could be the truth. It's the truth that won't get my ass roasted in school tomorrow by Samantha. I glanced up sheepishly at Zac. Suprisingly, he nodded, as if he actually understood what I was trying to say. At least one of us did.

"As much as I appreciate you telling me this now." Zac threw me an amused smile. "I really would've appreciate it if you'd have told me before pulling a disappearing best friend act."

"I didn't want you to be pissed at me, that's all."

Now that's an outright lie, I scolded myself. It wasn't Zac who you were worried about pissing off at all.

"Well, we can't change the past," as Zac replied, I caught an air of bitterness in his voice. "and I can't and won't change even try to change your mind on Samantha."

"Umm.. thanks." I guess. I frowned in confusion.

"No problem."

"So.. Where do we go from here?" I asked quietly. I had to lean over and strain to hear his next words, for he spoke barely over a whisper.

"I'd like my best friend back." The words washed over my ears like a desperately-needed cool summer breeze. The corners of my eyes tickled with tears as I fought to find my own voice.

"I-I'd like that too. I'm so sorry." Leaping off my chair, I pounced on Zac and wrapped my arms around his neck. This time, I didn't care how nasty he smelled, I was just grateful enough being so close to him. Unfortunately, in all my excitement, I knocked into Zac so hard his chair tipped over backward and we tumbled onto the deck together. Lifting my head, I blushed when I found myself sprawled completely over him.

If people didn't know us better, this would look very.. inappropriate. I smirked at the thought.

"Linds, enough!" Zac replied from under me with a laugh. "I believe you already!"

"Hey!" I burst through our front door feeling, for the first time in ages, like a million dollars. There's something about that endless love of a friend that makes you feel happy all over. Unfortunately, my parents didn't seem to share the same enthusiasm.

"Try not to slam the door so loudly; Heidi's study group is meeting upstairs." was Mom's greeting to me after I'd kicked it shut with my heel and dropped my hockey gear on the floor of the hallway.

"Oh, no." She added, walking toward me and pointing to my hockey gear sprawled around my feet. "Don't leave that here where everyone can trip over it."

"Just think," I grinned at her. "After next practice you'll have another jersey to add to the laundry pile."

"I can hardly wait." Mom replied dryly.

"That reminds me," I unzipped my duffel bag and wrinkled my nose at the smell that was coming from it. "I need some money to buy new hockey equipment."

"New equipment?" I noticed how quickly Mom's face formed a frown. That's not a good reaction.

"Yeah.." I pulled my right glove out of my bag and poked my thumb through a sizeable hole.

"I don't know, Linds." She replied.

"Why not?" I immediately felt defensive.

"Not that I'm not happy you aren't on the team." Mom quickly added. "I'm just not sure how serious you are about it."

"How can you doubt that?" I tried hard not to let my voice rise too loudly. "This is the first extra-curricular activity that I actually enjoy. Need I remind you that it's an actual sport?"

"Yes, and that's wonderful, Linds. I'm just not sure if you'll feel the same later. Maybe you won't even want to play next year." Especially now, I couldn't imagine how she could say such a thing. More than ever, I loved the sport, the girls on the team, and sensations I got from being out on the ice, being depended upon by five other players to do my job not only well, but better than anyone else.

"Mom.." I started. "I got to practice six times a week for an hour and a half, even two hours. I lost twenty-four pounds just so I could stay on the team. I've met so many nice people that are depending on me --Mom, I'm starting in the first game. I-"

"Maybe you won't be playing at all if you continue using that tone with me." She warned me with a look.

"I'm sorry." I lowered my voice. "You don't understand how much this means to me."

"No, Lindsey, you don't understand." She corrected me. "Hockey equipment is expensive and if we need to spend the money elsewhere."

"Like what?" I demanded. We certainly don't live like paupers.

"- Like my graduation party." Heidi interrupted with a smug smile as she bounded down the stairs. "And the senior class trip."

"You'll pay party and vacation for her but not this?" I turned to Mom with a spark of anger in my eyes. Part of my anger was the fact Heidi'd had her car taken away for a week because of the caffeine pills fiasco. The loss of her car wasn't the same as the loss of trust and respect I'd received.

"Lindsey, Heidi's only a senior once." She assured me. "If you're serious about it, then you'll have other years for new hockey equipment."

"I don't believe this!" Not caring about my voice level anymore, I felt furious. "This is so unfair!!"

"Mom, I've done everything you've asked me to this year." I counted off on my fingers. "I have a job. I've followed your stupid exercises and diets to loose weight like you wanted me to. I'm still doing well in school (well, maybe that part wasn't exactly true), when I don't even have the time or energy to even think anymore-"

"That's it!" Mom's voice roared above mine. "Upstairs now. I don't want to hear another complaint from you, young lady."

"But I-" I caught the gleaming spark in Heidi's eyes as I looked to her for help. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to throttle my older sister. More than usual; that smug smile of hers was just something I didn't want to see now.

"Not another word."

"... fine." I whirled around and stomped up the stairs, mumbling these words loud enough that I hoped she'd be able to hear them, for they were the absolute truth:

"... I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you."

"I don't fucking believe this."

I spat the words bitterly from my mouth as I marched into my bedroom. Slamming my hand on the face of my desk didn't seem to help calm me down, so I threw my hockey equipment into the corner of my closet. My mouth suddenly feeling dry, I purposely stomped each foot forcefully into the soft plush carpet on my floor as I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me.

Guess we know who's loved more in this family. My thoughts were as bitter as my words. Noticing my cheeks a little pink, I set my glasses on the counter and turned on the sink faucet. Cupping my hands under the stream of water, I leaned forward and splashed the cool liquid across my face.

Lifting my eyes, I gave my reflection in the mirror a fleeting glance. A pair of startlingly-bright green eyes blazed back at me. As the drops of water tickled down my cheeks, I continued to stare intently at my reflection, until a half-smile cocked the right side of my mouth into a wry smile.

There's no way I'll ever let anyone else get me so upset. I realized. It's my life, no one else's.

Parting my lips and dropping my jaw, I did something I never thought imaginable: With all the pain and frustration of the last few weeks building up, I jammed my trembling index finger into the back of my throat.

Unfortunately, nothing more than my nail scratching my tonsils happened. Immediately, I started coughing and lurched over the sink. Tears of pain sprung to my eyes as I felt the warm taste of blood on my tongue and I spat it out into the sink. The mere sight of the blood made my head spin and I grabbed the counter with my palms to steady myself.

"Nice going." I growled at my reflection.

You can't do anything right, can you?