Weigh Out

later that week..

"Silva! You're next, so move your tail." Coach barked out Meredith's name in the weight training room of the rec. center. She silently left her place in our single file line to take a stand on the old-fashioned scale. Coach was leaning his wiry frame against the wall next to it, weighing in the entire team before the season started, as regulations required. It was as close to a nightmare as I could experience in real life, that's how nervous I felt, wiping my sweaty palms against the soft material of my sweatpants.

"Your turn, Williams." Coach barked out my name next, as Meridith bounced off the scale. The smile on her face led me to believe she'd also dropped a few pounds. My heart sinking, I blinked twice before shuffling my feet across the carpeted floor.

"A little quicker pace, Williams. You're the last one." I picked up my pace slightly and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that most of the group had disappeared for the afternoon. We were getting weighed in after another one of the most taxing practices: drills, plays, and conditioning all up the wazoo. I already felt the dull ache of sore muscles in my calves and shoulders starting to form again. I could only pray that I'd sweated off a lot of weight, it certainly felt like it.

Clunk!

"Hmm." Coach remarked as the weight clanged to the bottom bar, indicating it was too light. After adding a few of the heavier weights, me sucking in my breathe nervously with each one, it finally clunked to the other side. Then it was Coach's turn to move the ten-pound weights, adding about four of them before they started to hover mid-air. My eyes were glued to the single-pound marker that ran across the top bar of the scale as Coach's index finger tapped it in the right direction. I also noticed how incredibly silent the room had grown when he finally lifted his finger and frowned at me.

"You're over." I stared at the numbers in disbelief.

"By.. about thirty pounds." Very slowly, my cheeks started to flush bright pink, until I felt my face burning hot. It sure wasn't from all the skating around we'd done today, that's for sure. I couldn't bear to look at the other girls still present in the room. Although it was dead silent, I had a dreading feeling it wasn't just the two of us here.

"I-I'm sorry, C-C-coach.." I interupted the silence with a stuttered whisper, asking him what now? with my eyes.

"Normally I'd say it was fine, since you've never practiced conditioning that much, but you're way over the cut-off point." He crossed his arms over his chest, sliding his clipboard behind his back. The way he stared down at me seemed to ask what I was planning on doing about the situation. A sinking feeling hit my stomach when I realized my only two options: quit the team and salvage my dignity, or loose weight and salvage my friends.

"Give me a phone call when you know what you want to do." With that, Coach brushed past me and exited the room. He didn't even tell me any options I had, but with a sinking feeling I had a pretty good idea of what they were. Not wanting the remaining girls to see the chagrined look on my face, I hung my head in silence until I heard them all leave.

What on earth am I going to do? I thought to myself, stuffing my hands into my pockets. The walk home seemed endless after the three hours of practice. However, I needed the extra time created by my slower pace to think about what the heck I was going to do with my life. I sighed, waiting at an intersection for traffic to clear before walking across the street. Once on the other side, I cast my eyes down on the sidewalk.

My weight. It doesn't bother me, so why does it control my life so much? I couldn't believe the unspoken suggestion to loose weight. Didn't know Coach know how hard it was for me just to get through the day for me? The pointing, smirking, disapproving looks of my figure as I walked down the hallways of school. I can't begin to describe the amount of energy it takes to just keep holding my head up. Finally, I'd found a group where it didn't matter how I looked.. but it did. And that fact was painful. Incredibly painful. I began to wonder if the whole team was just like anyone else, if the whole darn sport was based around how one looked, not their actual skill.

Well, there's nothing wrong with admitting defeat, I realized. Still, the spark I felt within me, standing in front of the net ready to defend it, like a lionness crouched over her young cubs to protect them, was a feeling unlike any other I'd ever felt. It made the long hours practicing all worth it, especially at six in the morning. It made me show up fifteen minutes early for each practice with a smile on my face.

Then there's the girls. I smiled sadly, remembering what an important part of the team I was. I just can't let them down. What did Coach say.. thirty pounds? It sounds hard, but not impossible.

"Oh, I just don't know!" I cried out in frustration, kicking at a stone on the sidewalk at my feet. It spun around wildly, but didn't travel very far in front of me. I felt exactly like that stone, being kicked from behind and spinning uncontrollably, yet not moving forward at the same time.

What a mess.

"Where is Zac when I need his honest opinion?" I asked out loud. Looking up, I found myself standing in front of my house. The long walk seemed to have ended so quickly and with me without an answer to my dilemma. The temptation to continue walking down the street, around the corner, and three blocks down to the Hanson house was more than tempting.

I'm not their baby-sitter any more.. I'm not his friend anymore. It's not my place any more. Those thoughts filled my head as I continued to stare down my neighborhood in the direction of Zac's house. As if on command, I heard a car horn honk loudly at me. I forced a tight-lipped smile on my face when I recognized Taylor, Zac's older brother pulling up at the curb in front of my house.

"Lindsey!" He rolled down the window and called to me. Although I didn't want to talk to him, especially since he reminded me physically so much of my former best friend, it would be rude of me not to walk over and say hello. I made a mental note to start thinking of an excuse not to stick around though.

"Hey," I replied casually, stopping about two feet from his car.

"Long time no see." He leaned over and patted the empty passenger's seat next to him, motioning for me to hop in. I furtively shook my head no, unable to come up with an excuse though. Goes without saying for a terrible liar.

"You're too busy to sit and chat with me for a few minutes?" The playfullness in his voice nearly tore my heart. The Hanson charm was almost as famous in Tulsa as their musical talent had been a few years ago. No girl had enough stubbornness and pride to withstand its power.. not even me, who'd known their family nearly all my life. Which is probably why I found myself grudgingly sitting next to Taylor a few seconds later.

"That's better. You want a ride over to our house?"

"No, that's ok." I replied quickly. That was the last thing I wanted to do right now, confess to Zac how miserable and overweight I really was. The comment he'd made weeks ago still stung as freshly in the back of my mind if it'd been said to me five minutes ago.

"Suite yourself. How come we never see you anymore?" Taylor asked me casually. After a sideways glance at him out of the corner of my eyes, I replied coolly,

"I've been busy."

"Oh, excuse me!" He laughed sarcastically. "Last I knew you were still hanging around Zac.. Since when did you go out and form a social life?"

"Don't worry, I haven't." I assurred him with a grin.

"But I did join a hockey team." Just saying that made my smile widen with pride. My heart also swelled with pride, a warm, reassuring feeling.

"Zac mentioned that to us. Congrats, kiddo." Taylor reached over and punched me lightly in the shoulder.

"Thanks Taylor." I smiled. ".. So, how's Angela?"

"Great, as usual." He smiled at the mentioning of his steady girlfriend. Although Isaac had always been the one we'd been pointing our fingers at for a long-term relationship, it was Taylor who'd proven us all wrong. At least he was happy.

Not like it'd happen to me though, I thought, running my fingers over the latch on the passenger's side door. Until now, I'd never seen the appealing side to having a boyfriend. It wasn't as if I was shied away from boys; I'd been around them all my life. I guess with Zac as my best friend, there wasn't ever a void that needed to be filled.

Until now.. the words echoed in my mind. Turning my head away from Taylor, I whispered.

"Congrats yourself. I've gotta go now." With that, I burst open the door and stepped out. Before he could call out a response, I slammed the door shut, sent Taylor a quick wave, and retreated into my house.

"What are you doing home so early?" Mom asked me when I entered the kitchen. I was surprised to find her home this early, but even more surprised to see her kneeling in front of the refridgerator, garbage can at her side.

"I'd like to ask the same of you." I replied with a grin, setting my backpack down on a chair at the table.

"Today was my last day of training and since Marla and I finished up earlier than usual, I left. There wasn't anything for me to do unless started a big project, so we put it off until tomorrow." I followed her words vaguely as I walked to the pantry and looked for a snack.

"Oh, ok." I replied distractedly. "What's the garbage can for?"

"Cleaning out the garbage in here." She replied cheerfully, pointing at the fridge. "This family needs to start eating healthier."

"Great," I muttered. Looking through the shelves in front of me, I saw that she'd already been through here. Needless to say, there wasn't much left. As good as dried wheat crackers sounded as a snack, I decided to wait until dinner.

"There's a grocery list started on the counter." Keeping her head in the fridge, she pointed near the sink. I walked over there and picked up the list. I frowned at first glance.

"Tofu? Are you kidding me, Mom?"

"It's a wonderful source of protein and fiber." She defended her choice.

"Can't too much fiber make you constipated?" I laughed out loud, tossing the list back onto the counter. With that comment, Mom turned around and faced me, hands on her hips.

"Only if that's the only thing you eat-"

"I don't think I need to worry about that." I grinned as I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I wasn't finished." She gave me a look about interupting.

"Sorry. Please continue."

"Everything in moderation. That's the key to a dieting success." I dropped my arms and rolled my eyes.

"Now you sound like a brouchure for Weight Watchers."

"Where do you think I got it from?" She smiled and turned back to her rumaging. Deciding that 'pulling it out of your ass?' wasn't an appropriate reply, so instead I muttered:

"I dunno." I walked back over to the table and started pulling out my books. Being quite the studious one of the family, I always liked to have my homework completed before eight o'clock: designated hockey time. Although it was still the regular season, I watched nearly every night with Dad. The Stanley Cups were just around the corner, it was that exciting. Tonight, for the first time all week, I actually had both the time and energy to do my homework the night before, not the hour before in the library like I'd been pulling.

I felt a tug in my chest as I pulled out my math book and ran my fingers over the hard surface. It felt weird not to have Zac sit across from me with the usual confused look he wore on his face when we were studying together. Ah well, I brushed it aside.

At least I have more free time on my hands. Get my own work done.

".... Mom?" I asked her in a timid voice a few minutes later. She cocked her head in my direction and leaned backward so she could see me from her place on the floor.

"Yeah, Honey?"

".. I was wondering something.." I mumbled quietly. I glanced down at the table.

"What did you say?" She strained to hear me

"I said I was wondering something!" I cried loudly in frustration. Don't ask me what I was thinking, but this was turning out to be more embarrassing to ask that I'd originally thought it was going to be.

"You don't have to yell Lindsey." She got up off the floor and joined me at the table, sitting to my right.

"Now, in a normal tone."

"I was wondering.." I started again.

"I got that part already." She smiled.

"Fine. This is hard for me to say, so sorry if I repeat myself."

"Just spit it out."

"All right. I need to loose weight for hockey and I was wondering if you'd help me." I felt as tiny as an ant admitting that to her. I closed my eyes. Feeling my cheeks burning warmly, I could only imagine how bright they were. When I finally opened one eye to see my mother's reaction, I was alarmed at the enormous smile on her face.

"Of course! Oh, this is wonderful." She gushed, clasping her hands over mine. "We can start first thing tonight after dinner."

"Great," I muttered in response.

At least Mom's happy enough about it for the both of us. This I am not looking forward to.