You Didn't

"Oh, Maggie you didn't." Sarah looked disappointedly at me.

"I just couldn't do it.. I couldn't hurt him." I said meekly, feeling like a lower life form. I was pond scum, no worse than pond scum. I was ooze, no wait - even lower than ooze. I was the ooze that oozed out of ooze.. yeah that's it. I leaned forward and rested my chin on my forearms on the table between us.

"Well, it sounds like you did exactly that." She picked up her menu, although I figured she'd get her usual.

"Good afternoon, ladies. Nice to see you back here again." Marj walked over towards our table. Coming to the diner for lunch had turned into a ritual for me and Sarah since we caught up with each other a few weeks ago at the pawn shop. I remembered last week how she was so excited about my upcoming 'date.'

"Hi Marj," I replied glumly.

"I'll just take a salad today please." Well, at least I'd get the satisfaction of a strange look from Sarah. Truth was, I wasn't feeling very hungry at the moment, as I had been all week long. I hate being deliberately mean to people; good-natured teasing was one thing, but it'd been a long time since a guy had shown interest in me. Any interest, for that matter. I couldn't get the warmness of Zac's eyes gazing into mine in the car out of my head.

I hate my conscience.

"How about a chocolate shake to go with that, kiddo?" As if sensing my sullen mood, Marj mentioned my favorite. Either that, or she wanted a bigger tip, I dunno.

"Oh.. Sure, why not?" I cocked my head upwards, still resting on my arms and smiled slightly. From this angle, I had the perfect view up her nose.

Ugh, what a perfect scene right before I eat. My smile dissipated.

"Turkey sandwich, plain, with carrot sticks instead of fries." Predictable Sarah.

"And a glass of water," she added.

"Ok. That'll be about twenty minutes ladies."

"So, have you seen Zac at the club recently?" Sarah picked up right where we'd left off in our conversation.

"Yeah, and no." I said honestly. Truth was, I had seen his Jeep parked in the health club parking lot recently, but I took the back door in directly to the aerobics rooms to avoid contact with him. I lifted my head up and examined the red and white checkered plastic tablecloth, running my index finger around the edges of a red square.

Red used to be Taylor's favorite color. I remembered, smiling sadly inside.

"Sarah?" I asked before she could implore more details of me avoiding anyone who wasn't female,wearing a leotard, and ready for a step-aerobics class at the health club.

"Was I completely stupid for what I did to Tay?"

"Well.." She thought for a moment. While she was thinking, I remembered her being upstairs in my room years ago, playing with my email program on the computer:

'Look Maggie!' she said, 'You have six new email messages.'

'Really?' I asked, buried in my closet.

'Yup, all from the same person too.'

'Oh.' was all I could say. Walking over to my desk, I glanced at the address on the screen. Recognizing it as Taylor's, I said firmly, 'Delete them.'

Sarah had actually been the one who'd read all the emails. It was her tears that had fallen in sympathy for Taylor's position, not mine. I could understand how he didn't want to have anything to do with me now, and felt really shitty as a byproduct in the whole process.

"I think you did what you thought, at the time, was best." She answered. Suprised, I looked up at her.

"Really?"

"Yeah.. Now, I'm not going to argue that we all felt you should've handled it differently.. all of us.." I frowned as her voice trailed.

"But," she added, "At the time it was your decision and you stuck by it. I have to give you credit for that."

She had a point. Not a very strong one, but in the end she'd actually found some small way of making me feel a little bit better. Just a tiny bit, but I'll take it. Beats the alternative.

"So," I asked the dreaded question that weighed heaviliy on my conscience. "What do you the chances are of me and Tay having a somewhat decent conversation now?"

I cringed, anticipating the answer I knew I deserved. Ironically, I'd fallen head over heels at the mere sight of HIM.. again. Can't remember the last time a guy actually required the use of capital letters. On the other hand:

Damn, I hate being infactuated.. it's so.. depressing.

"Slim," she grinned at me, holding her thumb and index finger a few inches apart. "But still possible. Just not very likely."

"Thanks for the help." I smiled though.

"So.. enough picking apart my pathetic social life. I wanna know: when's the wedding?" I picked a happier topic.

"We still haven't figured that out yet. Maybe not until the baby's born." Sarah patted her stomach.

"Oh! I have something to show you. These are the latest sonagrams from the doctor's office." She pulled out several x-ray pictures and handed them over to me.

"Gee, I can see the resemblance already," I said, holding one of them next to her stomach.

"Silly, you've got it upside down. Here." Sarah snatched the picture back, laying it on the table.

"See, here's the head.. and oh! Oh, here's her little feet. And her little hands too," she pointed out with her index finger.

"That's so amazing," I smiled at her. It really was, such a precious living thing was inside of her. It was too weird.

"You're so lucky," I sighed, envious of her position for what seemed like the hundredth time since I'd met the girl.

"You're engaged to a somewhat terrific guy.. well, at least he makes good money, you're almost done with school, you're going to start a family.." I trailed off.

"That could be you someday, you know." Sarah patted my hand, smiling at my joke. "And Mark is a terrific guy."

"No, I'll probably just break the hearts of the terrific guys in my life and end up alone, with my own single-bedroom apartment and about fourteen cats. I can just see it.."

"Stop being stupid." At least she was amused.

"Then tell me, how am I supposed to fix this mess?" I saw the answer in her eyes the minute I looked into them. Unfortunately, I didn't like it. Not one freakin' bit.

No, don't make me do it.. my mind pleaded against it. I knew I had no choice, I had to get down and dirty - and grovel like there was no tomorrow.

"Hi Maggie," Karen greeted me when I came home after work.

"Hey," I replied. Karen had taken up working at home within the last year, saying she'd been drowing in the corporate atmosphere every time she went into the firm's office. I couldn't blame her, they'd only gave her a tiny cubicle to work in. Gerald, however, could maintain himself within the hustle and bustle of daily office work - in fact, he thrived on it. Interestingly enough, they worked for competing law firms, yet I'd never seen a legal dispute come between them. They were amazing..

"You had a phone call earlier. I think it was Zac," she winked at me, handing me his number. "I hope you had a good time last week."

"I did.. he took me to the Blue Swan." At least the restaurant name was impressive.

"Wow, that's a very nice place." Dad had taken her there for their twentieth wedding anniversary last year.

"Yup, I'd never been there before. Well, I guess I'll call him back now." Not wanting to stick around and gossip about my less than perfect evening, (of which was completely my fault), I retreated upstairs to my bedroom. One of the advantages to Karen working at home was she was always getting phone calls. Numerous calls for her turned into a personal phone line for me. I picked up my cordless and dialed the number she'd given me. While waiting for it to connect, I started peeling off my sweaty exercise clothes.

"Hello?" a male voice answered.

"Zac?" I guessed.

"No, this is Taylor," I guessed wrong, but what a consolation prize. "Let me go get him, hold on just a sec."

"Taylor, wait!" I exclaimed. At that precise moment, I'd been taking off my shirt. Somehow, I managed to catch the phone in my sleeve, clinging to the sweat.

Eww, gross.

"What?" I heard him ask into the phone.

"............. Hello?" I yanked hard on the phone, nearly ripping my sleeve off.

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Tay!?" I cried into the phone, hoping he didn't hang up.

"Yeah, I'm still here. What do you want?" I cringed at the unfriendliness in his voice.

"Tay... this is Maggie." No reaction.

".. Maggie.. Olsen." Still nothing.

Hmm..

".. We used to know each othe-" "I know who you are," he interrupted.

"Oh, well I figured you maybe didn't remember me or something, since you have met quite a few girls in your life," I babbled.

"Yeah, whatever. What do you want?" I was starting to feel flustered.

"I.. umm.. nothing." I chickened out. Something about the tone of his voice made me want to keep my mouth shut.

"Nothing?" he echoed.

"Y-Yeah," I stammered, collaspsing onto the floor. This was a mistake. Big time. I ran my trembling fingers through my hair, not sure of what I was suddenly afraid of. His silence was killing me. Was he hesitating, wanting to say something to me, or did he have absolutely nothing to say?

Click. Beep beep beep.. The busy signal gave me all the answers I needed.