Deep Thoughts

"Darn it!" Isaac pounded his fist into his textbook. If was the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes he'd lost his place in his reading assignment.

Why can't I focus? he thought, closing the book with a frustrated snap of it's binding. Glancing up the row of pictures on his bookshelf, he found his answer lying in a silver frame. He extended his arm up to remove the precious memory from its resting place, of the camping trip he'd taken with his family in the fall after Los Angelos. After several hours of coercing, he'd managed to convince Sarah to come along with them.

He lightly brushed his fingers over the smooth glass, outlining the shapes of their figures. He remembered the first day she'd ever stepped into a canoe, only to be drenched seconds later when he'd tipped it over. A smile replaced the frustrated grimace on his mouth as he remembered how the sun had lit up her soaked blonde hair and made her blue eyes flash as she pounded her fists on his chest. His mother had captured the moment after he'd picked her up, right before he'd dropped her back into the water. Her fingers clawed at the soaked shirt on his back as she clung tenaciously to him. A look of pure horror and delight filled her face; her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and he could almost hear the contagious sound of her laughter. The look on his own face helped him remember how much of his own laughing he'd done that day.

..Until my sides hurt. The glimpse of the overturned canoe in the background of the picture, floating down the river, caused his grin to widen.

Isaac, get out of here! Her angry words echoed in his mind, completely dissolving his cheerful mood.

What happened to your life? he asked her, his eyes clouding over with concern and sadness as he outlined her smiling face on the photograph with his index finger.

She probably hates me right now. The thought tugged at his heart.

He briefly considered calling, to make sure she was all right. The image of Mark striking her made his blood boil. He rubbed his forehead with one hand, trying to shake the drowsiness that had been clouding his head all week. He thought of the many sleepless nights he'd endured since Saturday night; if he was so lucky to get to sleep images of Sarah slipping through his fingers haunted his dreams.

And her baby.. He was surprised its presence popped into his head. That's the worst environment to raise a child in..

Yeah right Isaac, he added sarcastically. You think you could do better? The random thought surprised him so much he almost dropped the frame. He swallowed heavily, debating two sides of the same argument in his head:

There's no way I could afford it, was his first objection.

Hello? You don't exactly live at the poverty line, Hanson.

She said it herself, it's not my business.

You care about her, that makes it your business.

She loves Mark.

.. That's true.

She doesn't love you.

He couldn't think of something against that, other than: .. She used to.

Just because you have feelings for her doesn't mean she feels the same about you. The picture slid through his fingers, falling as if in slow motion. He could only sit and watch as glass shattered all over the floor in a million tiny pieces.

9:57pm

Only three more minutes left. I thought nervously. The place closes at ten.. now or never.

"Mia, I have a question for ya." I said softly. The two of us sat around the semi-circular desk at the front of the health center. With our evening tasks completed for tonight, we were waiting for closing time to come around. The place was entirely deserted and although we were itching to leave even just a few minutes early, we knew the strict time policy. Besides, those extra minutes here and there eventually add up to hours. I could deal with getting paid more.

"What's up?" she asked, swiveling around in her chair.

"I umm.. how are things with Taylor?"

"You should know," she grinned at me before whirling herself around. "You see him almost as much as I do."

"That's not what I meant," I said quietly. "How long have you been going out?"

"We've dated for a few months, but he hasn't officially asked me to be his girlfriend yet.," she paused before asking "Why?"

"Do.. you love him?" The dreaded question left my mouth. I sucked in my breath, waiting for her reply.

"I.. I don't know. I guess so," she replied, sticking her hands out on the desk to stop her from spinning. She looked in my direction warily, a slight glaze in her eyes from the dizzy sensation.

"Why?"

"Just curious. I'm glad you guys are so happy together," I said meekly.

"Thanks, I guess.. Can I ask you about something?" she leaned forward, resting her elbows on the counter.

"Of course."

"I mean, promise you won't tell anyone about this. Especially Taylor."

"Sure."

It's not like he's going to be talking to me anytime soon.

"Well.." She thought for a minute. "I don't know. He's a good guy, treats me very nicely, but.."

"But what?"

"He goes through all the motions of caring.. I'm not sure how interested in me he really is.." he voice trailed off sadly.

"Oh, that's not true!" I argued gently, smiling at her. "I've seen the way he looks at you."

"Well, thanks," she returned the smile sadly. "But he hasn't even asked me to be his girlfriend. I can't help but think he's in love with someone else."

"Really?" Happiness was my first response.

Who on earth does he know? I had no idea.

"I'm sorry," I added quickly, remembering her feelings. I could only hope I didn't have excitement written all over my face. I was also a little confused: hadn't he asked her to be his girlfriend awhile ago?

"It's ok.. he's never given me any solid reason to think otherwise care." She counted off on her fingers.

"He's adorably sweet, buys me presents, takes me out places, visits me here a lot.." her voice trailed off. "But, like I said, it's like he's just going through the motions.. I don't know how else to describe it."

"Do you have any idea of who it is?" I was still caught on that fact.

"Well.." she looked at me critically for a second before continuing. "I have no clue."

Damn. I tried awfully hard not to let my disappointment show in my face as she continued to look at me, as if expecting a reaction. I turned my expression into one of empathy for her.

"I'm really sorry Mia.." I said softly.

"That's ok," she sighed. "I just don't know what I'm going to do about it."

"Maybe it's because Taylor hasn't had too many girlfriends, so he doesn't know how to treat one." I suggested.

"You think so?" She asked, looking at me with surprise in her dark brown eyes.

"Yeah," I lied. "I mean, with him being so famous and everything, I can imagine he might feel weird about people getting close to him. He's had people claim to know everything about him for a large part of his life, even before he'd met them before. Besides, he'd be crazy not to be interested in you."

Well, at least the last part's true.

"That makes sense.." she said slowly, flipping thoughts over in her head. "I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean there's someone else, and you should know since you're friends with him.."

"Don't hold your breath on that."

"Really?" she sounded genuinely surprised. "I never would've guessed."

"Well, it's true." I admitted.

"Hey, if you don't mind me asking, did something happen between you two? Sorry to butt in, and call it a hunch, I get the sense you're a little bitter about something." She grinned at me, noting the sarcasm in my last remark.

"Well," I sighed, running my fingers through my hair and pushing some of it behind my ears. "We used to be pretty good friends, before I screwed everything up."

That's a pretty good summary. I commended myself on not revealing too much information.

"How'd you do that?" She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Well, he made me really angry once, I yelled at him about it- oh, everything just turned out really bitter," I sighed, throwing her a weak smile. "A little of both our faults, but mostly mine."

"Wow.. You still don't talk to each other?"

"Not really." I could admit to that much.

"That's weird.." she murmured quietly, as if caught up in her own thoughts.

"Why?"

"Oh, he talks about you like you're best friends."

Really? My eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Hello?" Isaac mumbled groggily into the phone. He was amazed he'd managed to wake up with enough time to answer its ringing.

"Isaac?" a nervous voice breathed into the phone.

"Yeah, speaking," he sat up in his bed, thinking, it can't be- I'm not that tired.

"Sarah?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," she whispered so softly he had to strain to hear her. "I'm just calling to see how you're doing."

I must be really incoherent, he thought, imagining her voice had trembled with nervousness.

"You called me?" he asked, still confused.

"Yeah.. I know it's late. Sorry." He glanced at his alarm clock face, reading 5:13am.

"No, it's ok. I have class at nine. I'm just getting up earlier for it today," he grinned, still recovering from his initial sense of shock from hearing from her. "I'm ok.. how are you?"

"I'm fine." She replied quickly. "I just wanted to make sure everything's ok with you."

"Umm.. thanks."

You called me at this time to ask me that? He couldn't help but wonder what she wasn't asking.

"Listen Sarah, about what happened-" he started.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about too." she interrupted, her voice quiet but firm. "I want you to forget about it."

"What?" he asked, sitting up quickly in his bed. He couldn't believe what he just heard her say.

"I can't do that," he said firmly.

"Isaac, please don't make this harder for me than it already is." She begged him.

I don't know what I'll do if anyone else finds out about this. She felt she could trust him to keep his mouth shut.

He didn't do anything about Maggie's situation, she remembered. If I'm lucky he won't do anything about mine.

"On one condition." he stated firmly.

"What?" she held her breath.

"You give me another chance." he couldn't believe what he was doing.

"What?" She gasped, whispering loudly. "I can't believe you Isaac Hanson! You, of all people, know how much I love Mark."

Don't remind me, he thought bitterly. Instead, he replied,

"Give me another chance as your friend. If not, I start blabbing." Although he felt incredibly guilty blackmailing her, at the moment it seemed like his only option.

"Isaac, I don't know." she admitted quietly.

I'm taking enough risk right now, she looked at the closed bedroom door, praying Mark was asleep. Finally, things had settled down between the two of them; the last thing she wanted was Isaac involved in her life again. He just seemed to screw things up by getting involved, friend or no friend. She couldn't resist the warning signals that flashed through her head, stronger than the small spark of happiness about the chance of seeing him again.

"Take it or leave it." He grudgingly hung up the phone, leaving Sarah alone with her thoughts. After placing the phone back in its receiver, she buried her head into her pillow.

I don't want to think anymore.