Vital Organs, Please

"Boy, I hope those Canadians know what's coming," Sarah giggled at me from across the table. "The last thing we need is you causing is bad international relations."

"Now what kind of friendly support is that?" I grinned at her, reaching for my purse and pulling out a twenty. "I offer to treat you for lunch, then get nothing but insults. Why don't you just drive a steak through my heart while you're at it?"

"And I appreciate it." She replied. "But suck it up, Ms. Rodney Dangerfield. I seem to remember a certain best friend of mine that wasn't too supportive of the last secret I revealed to her."

"What a bitch. The last secret you.. " My voice trailed as I tried to remember our last conversation when the image of her and Ike's little bathroom interlude popped back into my head.

"Oh, that's right."

"How elegantly did you put it," Sarah pretended to think, drumming her fingernails on the familiar red and white checkered tablecloth between us. "Oh, that's right: me and Ike - my husband, mind you - banging the tiles off Mrs. Thomas' bathroom floor."

"Did I really say that?" I giggled loudly at the comment that was obviously mine. "That's funny. I'll have to remember that one."

"Well, you did such a good time remembering it now," She rolled her eyes. "I swear, sometimes you're more senile than your Nana."

"Nana's not senile." I retorted.

"My turn to joke. Relax Mags."

Why does everybody say that? I was half-tempted to turn my head and check my ass for any large sticks poking out of it.

"How is Nana?" She asked softly.

"Great," I grinned. "Couldn't be better, seeing as she's practically older than dirt."

"Such respect for your elders." Sarah shook her head as she slid out of the seat.

"Well, you know how much I give you," I pointed out, grabbing my coat.

"Very little." She answered for me. "But hey, I'm not that much older than you."

"Old enough.. You put in your order for an artificial lung yet, Sarah?"

"No, but the false teeth are in the mail. It was the bonus gift from the year-long supply of Geritol."

"Ahh.." I smiled knowingly. "So that's why you ordered the soup."

"I give up," She banged the diner door behind her, leaving me laughing hysterically. There's the reason God made best friends: pure torment.

"Taylor?" I called, letting myself in the front door.

Knowing that boy, he's probably taking a nap.

The Hanson's house was unusually quiet, which immediately made me feel wary. Usually, the one moments of sheer silence here are bedtime, when no one's home, or when it's "Ambush the baby-sitter" night. Given as many children that reside here, guess which one occurred most frequently. And guess who was their regular baby-sitter. I'll give you a hint: she has a large stick stuck up her ass.

"Hello?" I called, walking into the living room. It was odd to not see piles of abandoned toys and video games lying around the place. Even all the couch cushions sat neatly in their place. Made me wonder if there'd been a mass blonde-haired abduction.

".. Anyone here?"

You should be Taylor, you called me over, I thought, running my fingers along the banister that ran parallel to the stairs. Once at the top, I walked down the long hallway which led to everyone's bedrooms.

"You owe me," Zac stepped out of his room and stood a few inches from me, pointing his finger.

"Oh God!" I sucked in my breathe quickly. "Geez, Zac. Scare me why don't you."

"I need to talk to you. Now." I'd never seen him look so angry, watching as his finger curled into a fist so tightly it made his hand shake.

"Having a bad day?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh no." He said calmly. "I'm having a lovely day, thank you. Why, one could perhaps say it's the luckiest day of my life."

"Well.. good." I threw him a confused look, slapping his shoulder and moving to pass him in the hallway.

"Not so fast." He grabbed my shoulder and roughly whirled me around, accidentally knocking my elbow into the wall with a thud.

"Oww!" I howled in pain, rubbing the sore spot. "What? What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong." My eyes widened as his voice rose. In all the time I'd known him, I'd rarely witnessed Zac angry. Can't say I like the experience.

"What's wrong is other people poking their noses into my own damn business, my personal life, and making me look like an ass in the process!"

"Zac, calm down." I said, confusion flooding into my brain. "Nobody thinks you're an ass."

"Oh, only the female mutant population of Tulsa, who were at least nice enough to reply to my video dating service tape. Any sane girl around here is probably scared to death of me, thanks to you."

"Video dating service tape.. " I swallowed a lump of guilt that started building in my throat. "I'm really sorry about that Zac."

"Sorry? Oh, stop the presses, Margaret Suzana Olsen is sorry!" Zac continued, his face turning an interesting shade of pink. "You'd damn better well be sorry. Did you think I wouldn't find out or something?"

"Well, I hoped you wouldn't," I admitted sheepishly.

"So you decided to hide the tape inside the vcr, cleverly thinking I'd never find it there, huh?" He asked sarcastically.

"I'm really sorry," I repeated, feeling nothing else to say.

"You should be."

"You have every right to be angry, Zac-" I started when he cut me off.

"That I do."

"-but I did it with the best of intentions. I swear." I pleaded. "I-I owe you."

"That you do."

"W-what.. do you want me to do?" He looked as if he'd already decided my punishment, holding up a tape in his hands. Squinting at it, I recognized it as my class assignment with Alex and stared into Zac's brown eyes curiously.

"You.. want to kill me?" I asked timidly. Fortunately, Zac shook his head.

"I wish. But then I'd have to put up with Taylor bitching over not having any more dates. Eighteen and a half years of that was plenty enough." At least his face cracked a smile. That was reassuring in a non-homicidal kind of way.

"So you.. Want to make a movie?" I guessed again.

"Not with you, you're terrible." I scowled at his playfulness. "But getting closer."

"You.." I frowned, casting another confused look in his direction. "I don't know! Just tell me."

"I want you," he poked me in the chest.

"To get me," he pointed to himself. "A date with this girl."

"Alex??" I screeched loudly, unsure if I wanted to flop over laughing or check the boy's temperature.

"Her name is Alex?" He asked, his voice softening.

"Zac, please." I did not like his reaction. Not one bit.

"You do not want to go out with Alex."

"Well, now that's my business, isn't it?" He asked gleefully. "Oh wait, that's right. I'm making it your business. This time, at least."

"You don't know how many vital organs I'm going to give to give that girl to-"

"Are you suggesting that she wouldn't love an opportunity to be charmed by the former teen pop star, Zac Hanson?" He asked, innocently batting his eyelashes.

"I know how you think that every girl on this planet is just waiting for that opportunity, but for Alex, and going along the lines of reality here, I think waxing off every hair off her body might be more enjoyable," I replied.

"Well, that's just something for you to work around, isn't it?" Zac gently slapped my cheek with his palm.

"Zac, I can't ask her out for you." I retorted. "Besides, that's just weak."

"Fair enough." He gave in mercifully. "You give me her number, put in a good enough word for me that she'll say yes, and I'll call her up and ask her myself."

"Zac, I-" I doubted I'd get even that far before she had me slain, but saw he wouldn't budge any further.

Lovely.

"So, make sure you're ready Thursday morning at four a.m., ok?" Taylor scribbled the last of our 'itinerary' down on a tablet and set down his pencil.

"Sure Tay," I mumbled, lost in my own thoughts. I had no clue how I was going to convince Alex to go out with Zac.

This is cruel and unusual punishment. Yet, at the same time I was dying to know, What on earth did he see in her on that tape?

"Maggie?" Taylor asked me after a few seconds of silence.

"Sure, Tay."

I know she's a great actress and not too bad-looking, if you like that gothic hell-raiser kind of image..

"Maggie?" He waved his hand in front of my face.

"Sure, Tay."

Of all the unlikely pairs-

"Maggie!!"

"What?" I snapped myself back to our travel plans as Taylor's voice rang through my head.

"You weren't paying attention." He said in an overly whiny voice.

"Gee Tay," I replied in flat tones. "When you talk like that it turns me on.. Just makes me feel dirty all over."

"Really?" He lifted his eyebrows suggestively. "Mental note made."

"Shut up." I eyed him. "What do you want?"

"You want me to tell you or shut up?" He asked coyly.

"Both."

"Having a bad day?" He asked in a tone that suggested he actually didn't care.

"No," I sighed. "Don't worry about it."

"Is something wrong?" Taylor asked, sincere this time as he looked me in the eyes.

"No.. Just no 'I told you so's' after I tell you, ok?"

"Scouts' Honor." He raised two fingers to his left eyebrow. All that deserved was a snort from me, so that's exactly what he got.

"Anyway.. Zac wants me to set him up on a date with a girl in my class to make up for that dating tape." I explained with a soft sigh.

"Serves you right."

"Taylor!" I protested. "Serves you right is another way of saying I told you so."

"Is she single?" He asked.

"I think so," I tried to remember Alex ever mentioning a boyfriend. Then again, I'd probably the last person she'd share something personal with, but a boyfriend is kind of hard to miss.

"Then it shouldn't be any problem." He shrugged.

"You don't know Alex." I groaned, placing my forehead down onto the kitchen table. "And I have to do it before we leave for Toronto."

"Well, I have the utmost confidence in ya, Babe." Taylor leaned over and brushed a kiss on the back of my head. I lifted it and smiled.

"Thanks, Sweetie." I reached over and patted his thigh gently. "Maybe it won't be so bad."

the next afternoon..

"Absolutely not," was the cross reply.

"Alex, please." I begged her again.

"I have no interest in your preppy boyfriend's preppy little brother." She threw over her shoulder, shaking my hand off it as well. "And I never will, so don't ask me again."

"Zac's a really nice guy-" I started when she cut me off.

"Uh-huh," she scoffed. "I'm sure. They all start out that way."

"I-" I stopped, surprised at her response.

Ice Queen actually have feelings in there? Ouch, bad brain. I scolded myself for the nasty thought.

"Look," I jumped down the stairs of our theatre class building two at a time to catch up with her.

"I'm sorry if you got hurt in the past, and no I'm not being nosy that's how it sounded," I added when she opened her mouth and eyed me. "But that isn't any reason not for you to hold that against Zac."

"Sure Maggie," her voice dripped with sarcasm and eyes blazed steely at me. "I'll go out with him just because you told me to. I'll even marry the guy. Who cares if we've never met before."

"Ok, I'll give him the good news." Not a good time for a lame joke, for it looked like Alex would kill me on the spot if it were socially acceptable on a college campus. Fortunately, for me, it isn't. At least not yet. Give Bush a few months in office.

"I was not serious!" She screeched. "I wouldn't go out with the loser because I've never met him, he's probably not my type

"Alex, I swear, he's the nicest guy-" I tried again, with no avail.

"Stop wasting my time," she sneered, stepping a bit faster to end the conversation. Another bout of fortune: being about four inches taller than Alex, it didn't take very long for me to catch up with her.

"Just let him call you," I said slowly. "That wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

"Yes it would! You really are clueless Maggie." She stopped and stared at me.

"I don't want to go on a date with Zac, I don't want to talk to him on the phone, I don't ever want to meet him in person, and I don't ever want to have this conversation again because I don't give a horse's ass about him, let alone the very idea of him, and I never will! He could be the last man left on earth and I'd demand a recount. So, and pass this onto your pathetic little friend, stay out of my business."

"Too late," I mumbled at her retreating figure as she began to stomp away. I wondered if I'd smell the smoke hitting the fan all the way up in Canada this weekend when Zac did call her. I could only pray that Alex's temper would cool enough that she wouldn't want to have me shot and/or gutted on Monday when I saw her again.