Send in the Psychos

"Sarah, you're terrible!" With my eyes flashing, I laughed loudly. A little too loudly though, so I immediately clapped my hand over my mouth.

"Now why would you suggest something like that?" She grinned wickedly in response.

"You and Ike.. At that fancy-smancy house?" I asked again, half in disbelief, half in shock. Eyeing her carefully, I began to wonder what type of vixen lie under the blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart I'd known for the last seven years who now smiled with innocence in return.

"Mmm-hmm." She nodded, before pulling her hair back into a ponytail and sighing at the boxes piled on the floor around us. "One of these days we'll be able to find the living room floor again. Thanks for helping me sort through all this shit."

"One person's shit is another person's treasure." I quoted with a grin, rummaging through the box she shoved toward me.

"Very nice," Sarah snickered. "You going to stitch that onto a sample for me?"

"Absolutely not." I replied, shuddering at the thought of picking up Nana's favorite past-time. While I loved her dearly, there's only so many places one can put samples. Having her over for Thanksgiving and Christmas invoked last-minute scrounging through the attic so we could find her seasonal patterns and place them well within her view, not only to avoid hurting her feelings, but any chances of her making more for me and my parents.

"Sarah, you know me and needles don't mix too well." I reminded her.

"That's right.. I remember when I got you to donate blood last spring."

"First and last time, thanks." Narrowing my eyes, I remembered spending the entire afternoon shaking like a leaf in front of hundreds of strangers. The worst part was being wheeled on a little cart past the waiting line into the recovery unit. I think about three people passed out at the sight of my limp, pale body. I wasn't surprised when the Red Cross didn't send me any letters requesting more of my blood. While quite a noble cause, and that was my reason for donating, I took it as more than a sign my body needed it more. That and the free Famous Amos cookies were terrible.

"So..." I paused, pulling out a set of bright orange potholders from my box. "You and Ike really did it in the bathroom?"

"Mags!" Sarah looked like she was ready to strangle me. I giggled quietly as she grumbled,

"I'm beginning to wish I hadn't told you."

"I'm just curious." I defended myself. "And you didn't have to tell me."

"Sure I did. Then have you whine about hearing it from Zac or someone? That would've gone over well." She shook her head. "And while you're at it, throw those horrid potholders into the Goodwill box. I'm afraid of them."

"Feeling's mutual," I tossed them into the large pile we'd been accumulating all afternoon in the center of the living room. It was a small oasis of organization in the dozens of boxes, both emptied and full, that were strewn around the room, remnants of Ike and Sarah's wedding.

"You want the matching place-mats?" I waved them around in the air, wrinkling my nose at their ugliness.

"And break up the set? I don't have the heart. Toss 'em."

"So.. " I said slowly, leaning forward to add the place-mats to the pile. "How cold was the linoleum floor in Winnifred's house?"

"Maggie!" Sarah nearly dropped the box in her hands. Good thing she didn't, I noticed its crystal contents and smiled innocently.

"Yes?"

"You.. are .. horrid." She sputtered, trying to conceal her laughter with anguish. "Utterly."

"Oh, come on." I pleaded. "Or I'll get the details from Zac."

"Since we're slowing down a little, want to take a break?" She rose to her feet and headed into the kitchen. "I think there's some lemonade left in the fridge."

"Sounds great," Following her lead, I pulled up a seat at the counter. "I'm always up for some instant sugar.. Not to mention instant gossip."

"I hadn't noticed." She plunked two plastic glasses on the counter and scowled at me. "You mean to tell me you've never had sex outside the bedroom before?"

"Hmm.. let's see. Justin and I did it in the back of a pickup truck.. That'd be about it." I replied bitterly.

"I didn't mean Justin, stupid." She turned and opened the refrigeration, grabbing a plastic container.

"What about Taylor? I never figured Ike to be very adventurous, but hey, I certainly didn't hear any complaints that night."

"I can imagine." I rolled my eyes, not wanting to think of Isaac in this new light. While it was perfectly natural and human, the last thing I wanted was to loose all dignity I held for the guy and break out into high-pitched giggles every time I saw him. Forget the mental images.

"So, what about you and Taylor?" Sarah faced me on the other side of the counter, her blue eyes curious.

"Let's see," I looked straight at her. "We'd probably have to have sex first."

"You mean- you haven't.. Really?" She stared at me. As I shook my head, silence filled the room. After what seemed like eons, I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. The movement seemed to shake Sarah of her thoughts.

"You've been together for six months.. and nothing?" She asked timidly.

"Well, I'm not feeling deprived." I said with an exasperated sigh. "It's not an issue for us."

"Wow," she whistled. "Even when Ike and I dat-"

"What," I demanded, noticing a crimson color flooding into her cheeks, not to mention her abrupt mid-sentence stop.

"Nevermind." As if remembering about the lack of lemonade consumption, she quickly busied herself pouring two glasses and turned her back to me, setting the picture back in her fridge. I just stared in amazement at what she wasn't telling me.

"You were fourteen." I blurted suddenly.

"And I thought I was in love." Her muffled voice came from in the fridge. I grinned, wondering how long she was planning on standing there with her head stuck in there. And I nearly fell off my chair from hearty laughter.

"You little sex pot."

"It's here!" I let myself into the Hanson's house, Zac's return tape gleefully clutched in my right palm with the tape from film class, an 'A-, interesting concept' comment scrawled along the edge from our professor. I'd resisted all urge to watch Zac's tape at home, but figured I'd watch it with Taylor first instead. After all, we hadn't planned on how we were going share the news with the lucky bachelor. Besides that fact, I was dying to see the results.

"In the living room, Mags," Taylor called out to me. Noting his subdued tone, I curiously kicked off my shoes, set my tape on the table in the hallway, and trotted into the kitchen, where I found him sitting behind the counter.

"You'll never guess what I got to- Oh, hi Mr. and Mrs. Hanson.." my voice trailed as I took in their somber faces. Immediately I stopped rambling. "Is everything ok?"

"Wish it was, Maggie. And Diana." Mrs. Hanson- (ack, one of these days) replied.

"We were just in the middle of sharing the news with Taylor." Walker (hey, got it right finally) cleared his throat before continuing. "My Aunt passed away last Thursday."

"Oh God," My hand flew to my mouth. "I'm so sorry."

"Which Aunt was that?" Taylor squinted his eyes. "You've got like ten of them."

"Thirteen." Walker corrected. "And you should know; you were her favorite. Aunt Cecil."

"Aunt Cecil.." By the confusion on his face, it was apparent Taylor's memory wasn't working quite as well as his father's. "Which one was she again?"

"Taylor," his mother sighed in exasperation. "You don't remember?"

"No," he shook his head slowly. "Was she the one who had to take her teeth out before every meal?"

"No, that was Martha." I hid a smile at that mental picture.

"Was she the one who had Kleenex stuffed up her sleeves for emergencies?"

"No, that was Claire."

"Was she the one who always carried the toy poodle in her purse?"

"No."

"Oh.." Taylor scratched his head distractedly. "Was she the one who made that great blueberry pie and I ate it all until I puked?"

"Taylor," I spoke up with surprise. "That's gross."

"Truth hurts," he winked at me.

"Truth being, that wasn't Cecil either." Diana brought us back to the original subject. "She used to play the piano at family reunions and had you sign along with her."

"Oh! That Aunt Cecil." Taylor's face brightened as quickly as it fell. "I hated that. Her piano needed more tuning support than an EKG could provide. I cringed at how awful we must've sounded."

"So that's what happened to your voice.." I grinned at him, reveling in his scowl. "I'd thought it was puberty."

"Getting back to the main subject," Diana smiled lightly at me. "There's a funeral service for Aunt Cecil next weekend in Canada. Unfortunately, your father has business meetings and can't attend. Since she was so fond of your voice, we thought it would be more than appropriate to send you in our place, to sing a song at her service."

"Me?" "Canada?" Taylor and I spoke at once.

"Yes. And yes." She nodded at us.

"Wow.." Taylor shrugged. "Of course I'll go. We've got fall break coming up so I'm off Monday and Tuesday anyway."

"Where in Canada?" I inquired curiously, having never visited the country myself.

"Toronto." Walker replied. "Cecil asked to be buried in the town where she was born. Which turned out to be Toronto, even though she lived about sixty years of her life in South Central Florida."

"If that was her wishes, it's nice you're going." I nodded politely at my boyfriend. He surprised me by turning to his parents and asking,

"What about Maggie?"

".. What about her?" Walker and Diana both glanced at me curiously. I shrugged and defended myself:

"I have no idea where this is coming from.. What about me?"

"Can she come too?" Taylor inquired.

"Oh, Taylor I couldn't." I replied first. "It's your family and.."

"Well, I don't want to go by myself. Zac's got school, Ike's got work and I don't want to go by myself."

"I'm not sure, honey." Diana looked imploringly to Walker to shoot down the idea. I knew that look - I'd seen it cast between my parents numerous times.

"You'll be there for more than one day."

"So we'll get a hotel room.. With separate beds." He emphasized. My spirits brightened at his abruptness.

A Canadian vacation wouldn't be too shabby.

"Separate rooms." I chirped up. Walker smiled at my enthusiasm.

"You wouldn't mind attending a funeral for one of our relatives?" He asked.

"As long as they don't mind me being there." I replied.

"If I have to sing in front of them, I'll need the support." Taylor wasn't even close to subtle on that comment.

"Like you need that-" I started to say when he winked at me teasingly.

"Well, I'm not sure." Diana still didn't seem too keen on the idea. "But we trust you.. and if that's what you want Taylor."

"It is." He nodded firmly, folding his hands onto the counter by his waist.

"I'll see what I can get for discounted ticket prices tomorrow then." Her soft sigh didn't convince me she was very supportive, but she didn't voice any further objections and left the room.

"Just make sure we'll still be able to trust you after this." I have to give Walker credit - he got in the last warning before retreating as well. After watching him leave, I turned and just stared at Taylor.

"What, Babe?" He threw me a killer smile.

"I.. don't believe you."

"What?" He repeated.

"Drafting's the wrong profession for you." I shook my head. "You should've been a used car salesman."

"Why do you say that?" He laughed lightly.

"You and me, going on a mini-fall vacation to Toronto at the end of this week." I shook my head in disbelief.

"I always get my way. Not just with my parents either." He sent me an evil grin before sliding off his chair.

"Oh really?" I narrowed my eyes at Taylor as he approached me.

"Of course," I fought the urge to smile as I felt his hands slide softly around my waist. I remained silent as he pulled me closer to him, my chest brushing slightly against his as he bent down to kiss me. Feeling cocky, I pulled my lips away a few centimeters from his.

"Access denied." I said indignantly.

"Now is that any way to thank me?"

"I will, I promise." I winked at him, before waving the tape excitedly in front of his face. "But first we have to watch this!"

"Ok, chill." He sighed, taking it from me with a dejected sigh.

"And no stupid television ceremonies before hand." I walked into the living room, flouncing down on the couch.

"No stupid.." Taylor muttered my words before shaking his head, another sigh escaping his lips. "So uneducated, so unappreciative."

"And so impatient!" I finished for him.

"Ok, ok." He held up his hands and walked to the television in front of me, sliding in the tape. "This better be worth it."

"Oh, it will be." My eyes gleamed.

"That was horrible, Maggie." Taylor groaned and settled back into the couch.

"I didn't think he'd honestly get psychotic responses." I admitted, flipping off the TV with a dejected frown on my face as the VCR rewound the tape.

"I didn't know women like that even existed." He shuddered.

"Man, do I ever have respect for you now." He was kind enough to add, "Not much though, after this idea."

"Gee thanks," I rolled my eyes. "It was a great idea."

"One that flopped." He emphasized.

"Think it's best we just don't show him the tape?"

"Umm.. yes." Taylor laughed. "He'll kill not only you and me, but anyone else involved in this scheme. Poor mailman might want to keep scarce of our place for a few days."

"It's not that bad." I pointed to the tape, still whirring in the VCR. "Zac's got some.. potential dates.. Yeah, that's it."

"No he doesn't." He stood up. "I don't want him bringing women - and I use that term loosely - like that into our house!"

"Just for that comment, I think you owe me dinner." I stood up and straightened my shirt, rumpled from sitting down for an hour.

"What?" Taylor asked with a grin. "Has it been ten minutes without food for my little garbage disposal?"

"Haha, not funny." I pointed to my watch. "Four hours, thank you."

"I was getting hungry myself," He mumbled.

"I'll get my coat." I smiled sweetly, forgetting to remove the tape from the VCR as we left the living room.

"What's this?" Taylor picked up the tape I'd left on the hallway table, tapping me on the shoulder with it before I walked out of his house.

"My theatre tape. Alex is really good, I'm dead." I reminded him. "Let's just watch it when we get back."

"I know, I know. Four hours and no food." He rolled his eyes.

"Glad you're learning." I smiled.

"Stupid, God-damned birds.." Zac muttered, slamming the front door behind him. "My Jeep's in the driveway three hundred sixty-five days a year and they avoid it. The one day I decide to wash it and there's crap everywhere. A conspiracy, I tell ya.."

"What's this?" He grabbed the tape off the table on his right, wondering if Taylor had picked up a movie for the weekend.

"Alex and Maggie." He read off the label. "Maggie in a movie? Oh, this I have got to see." Dropping his coat on the floor, he sauntered into the living room and turned on the television. Seeing the VCR was full, he popped out the tape inside it and frowned.

Zac Hanson.. It's Your Lucky Day! Greeted him in bright pink letters.

".. What the hell?" This would be much more interesting to watch than his ex-girlfriend attempt at acting.

"Hi Zac!!!" Zac nearly fell over backward as an overly cheery voice practically screamed at him. A large set of blue eyes stared seriously at him, sending a dreading sense through his body. Suddenly he wasn't sure if this tape was appropriate for his impressionable, eighteen-year old eyes.

"I'm Ashley Elizabeth!" The girl chirped again, her voice borderline shrill this time. "At least, that's what my parents named me!"

"And I'm sure you share that one brain cell with them quite nicely," Zac murmured, wondering how the hell she knew his name. He certainly didn't like where this was heading..

"I know I'm only fifteen, but my parents let me date older guys. I've been doing it for six whole months now!"

"Did she just say .. Date?" Zac choked on the word, a sinking feeling coming over him.

"I love the movies, I go every weekend." Ashley Elizabeth continued, her obnoxiously bright voice playing heavily with Zac's sanity.

"With older guys, I'm sure." He mused. Sure, the girl was cute, but he didn't have a cradle-robbing desire at this point in his life. Sensing this was a practical joke of one of his friend, even worse Taylor, a comment on his lack of a dating life, Zac grabbed the remote to fast forward through the rest of Ashley Elizabeth's spiel. When she faded out, he hit play and frowned at the television, crossing his arms over his chest. He half-expected to see Taylor in drag on the next scene, professing the prank. Instead, he was greeted with the haughty,

"Zac. Hey. I'm Ginger." Although it came out more like 'Gingah,' Zac could've sworn it was the lowest female voice he'd ever heard. His eyes nearly rolled out of their sockets as a black haired.. beauty continued.

"My parole officer thinks I need to make new friends." God, I hope she doesn't know where I live.

"I have three body piercings, four tattoos, and more whips and chains than you'll know what hits ya-"

"And as much as I'd like to know what that feels like, I'd value peaceful sleep." Zac shuddered, grabbing the remote and quickly fast forwarding again. Something about that girl, perhaps her pale-white skin, dark eyes outlined thickly with makeup, or gleam in her eyes made him want to run screaming into the hills of homosexuality and never return.

"Hi.. Zac." A thin, strained voice interrupted his thoughts. "My name is Amber."

"Well, you certainly couldn't kill me," He took in the girl's frail, bird-like frame, thick black-framed glasses, and shy smile.

"I'm a sophomore at the University of Tulsa, mortuary science major."

".. Mortuary Science?" This was getting near ridiculous.

"I know that's a little strange, but I have unique interests." Amber continued. "I'm the president of U of T's Historic Stamp Preservation Society, Biology tutor, and -oh! I'm an avid fan of bird watching."

"You, me, and a pair of binoculars.. Let's just fast forward so you can spare me the details of where you hide your retainer." Zac punched the remote.

"Zac Hanson, look no further!" A cheerful voice boomed loudly at him. His mouth dropped as the screen flashed another 'friend,' this one clad in practically nothing.

"Just look at me: I'm 237 pounds of beautiful, fabulous fun. I'm big enough to rock your world-"

"And flatten me in the process," He moaned, reaching for the remote yet again.

"Hello.. Zac." A small smile crept onto the face of the first somewhat-normal looking girl on the tape. "My name is Kate. I don't normally do this sort of things, but my friends signed me up for this video dating service thing."

"Video dating service!?" Zac dropped the remote.

So that's what all this is for.. This is someone's idea of a very cruel joke.

"Kate, you seem like a real sweetheart, but-" "I know I only look twenty, but I'm actually three thousand, four hundred, and sixty-seven. I'm looking for someone to join me on my mission to the planet Quasar - they're expecting me."

"Lord.." Zac felt numb at the moment.. Incredibly angry, frustrated, and confused at the same time enough that he didn't know what to feel anymore. He silently pushed the eject button on the VCR, watching as the tape popped out and the words Your Lucky Day! shouted out at him again.

"Lucky, right.."

How on earth did these freaks find me? He turned the tape over in his hands, searching for some form of identification. As he did, memories of a particularly odd behavior on the part of me and Taylor a few days ago..

"Those two!" He grumbled angrily, remembering the compliments, glances toward the mantle.. the whole shebang.

Talk about a violation of privacy. Not wanting to put any more thought toward the issue at the moment, he grabbed my tape and shoved it roughly into the VCR, hoping to catch any slight hints of dirt. He was going to need it.

"Oh.. wow.." The words escaped Zac's lips as a hushed whisper as a face came into his view. He'd never seen the girl before, but his attention was fixed on the thick locks of coal-black hair that tumbled over her shoulders as she quickly glanced over her shoulder, tiny muscles tensing in her pale, slender neck.

"I can't believe you actually showed your face here," she spoke angrily, though Zac heard anxiousness and wistfullness behind her voice.

"Well, I am your friend." He groaned at the bland tones in my voice as I came into view.

"Should've taken art classes, Maggie." Zac smiled nonetheless.

"You stupid, selfish bitch!" Tears suddenly sprung to Alex's eyes and she jumped to her feet. "What part of 'get the hell out of my life' don't you understand?"

"I'm.. sorry."

"Sorry? How on earth can someone like you dare to say you feel sorry for me?" Alex turned toward the camera, her back to me, tears slowly trailing down her cheeks.

"You don't know me." She sighed softly. "Don't even pretend that you do."

"I'm not pretending," I clenched my fists, showing the first signs of life since the tape had started rolling. "You're just being foolish."

"Foolish?" Alex quickly whirled around and stepped toward me tentatively. "Is it so foolish to think that someone like you could actually have a heart? .. I guess so."

"Heart, right." I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "While you swoon away in own little world, the rest of us are living in reality."

"I do not have my own little world." Her eyes blinked quickly before flashing with anger. As the argument unfolded before Zac, his eyes never left the screen.

"Wow," he repeated. Her voice, her eyes, her emotions - they were all so.. real. It was like a breath of fresh air.