I had a disconcerting experience the other night at dinner. I was eating in the cafeteria with three of my friends: Carlotta, Livia and Cassandra. On a closer review, I don�t think the title of �friend� can be accurately applied to Carlotta and Livia. Last semester, those two hurt me deeply with both words and deeds, and for a good part of that semester, could not be considered my friends by any stretch of the definition.
My definition of a friend states that a friend is someone who cares about you and loves and trusts you. He/She may not always agree with your actions, but he/she will support you to the best of his/her ability. If you are doing something that meets with your friend�s disapproval, he/she will let you know in a positive way.
By this definition, Carlotta and Livia failed the test of friendship. Carlotta took every opportunity to attack me, from my conversational skills to my demeanor to my sleeping habits. She accused me of constantly lying and making up stories. The motive behind her vicious dialogs seemed to be one of jealousy. I was dating a man she did not like. It must be understood there are circumstances behind this chain of events, but the story is too long for the purpose of this vignette. Let it simply be said that Carlotta was entitled to have a derogatory opinion of this man if she so chose. Also, I made some decisions that did not always strike a proper balance between friends and dating. Even so, the destructive whirlwind that was Carlotta upset and frightened me. It seemed that whatever hurt I had accidentally caused her was being repaid ten-fold.
Livia, also motivated by jealousy, had a different reaction. Her approach was to stop speaking to me. Unless there was some favor she wanted from me, I did not hear a word or receive an email from her. Considering that we shared mealtimes with the rest of our group, that was quite a feat. Her censure, though less overt than Carlotta�s, hurt even more because we had been friends since childhood. We had shared many adventures and secrets. We had become very close over the past few years and yet, at a moment when I needed her support, she abandoned me.
In this new semester, things have changed somewhat. Carlotta, Livia and I have reestablished a sort of civility. We can talk and share events of the day without any thinly-veiled insults or heated words. There is an undercurrent of tension, but for the most part, it is as if last semester never was. This is a good thing, certainly. My credo for this semester is �new century, new year, new semester�. This means I have put last semester behind me and am focusing on making this one the best that it can possibly be. I will be polite and courteous to Carlotta and Livia, but no longer will I sit there and absorb their abuse (should it occur again). I will either call them on it or simply leave their presence.
Back to the events of dinner. It was a good dinner, overall. The food wasn�t too atrocious and the conversation was enjoyable. The four of us took equal part, no one being excluded or dominating. Near the end of dinner, Livia had just given her opinion about something when Carlotta broke in and asked her if she ever had anything positive to say. This took her aback. She made a response of sorts but Carlotta continued on her barrage. Cassandra chimed in with her own observations. Admittedly, Carlotta was nice about it, but I could see that Livia was becoming agitated and a little defensive. We finished dinner then headed out. Livia went back to the dorm while the rest of us went to the student center. As we made our way to our destination, Carlotta continued her negative observations about Livia. Cassandra added her own thoughts as appropriate. I just listened, a strange feeling growing inside of me.
As I listened to the two of them go on about Livia�s behavior, I felt disconcerted. All the while, I was wondering if all the negative things being said about Livia were the same things being said about me when I was the outcast of the group. I was hearing Livia�s name but mentally substituting hers for mine. It was disconcerting how well I could imagine this scenario. A small part of me was tempted to join in the conversation with my own opinions, for it did seem as if their censure was valid. In some small way, it would be fitting payback for Livia�s betrayal. But another, more stronger part, urged me to stay out of this completely. There is no sense in bringing myself down to their level. For all I know, Livia has perfectly good reasons for acting the way she is, and she may not feel able or willing to share those reasons with the rest of us. If anything, I can certainly understand that point of view.
What will happen next, I don�t know. But I do know that I will remove myself from this soap opera waiting to happen. Livia, Cassandra and Carlotta must work out their issues themselves. I have no wish to get involved in another war. I still bear the scars of the last one.
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