Not Going Back
~ Written in 1999 ~
Usual disclaimers apply. Constable Benton Fraser, Ray and Stella Kowalski, Ray Vecchio and Victoria Metcalf do not belong to me but to Alliance. I promise to return them, mostly unharmed, when I�m finished. Note: The opening dialog between Fraser and Kowalski come from the end of the episode Strange Bedfellows.
�You know, Ray, what you said to Weston about not being able to go back, did you� did you mean that?�
�Uh, no, I was lying.�
��Cause you had a gun pointed to your head?�
�Yeah.�
�Well, you know, I understand, or as you might say, I overstand.�
***********
Constable Benton Fraser slowly walked the streets of Chicago, on his way to the Consulate. Although night had fallen, he was not particularly anxious to be safe and sound in his office. Once again, there were other things on his mind then his personal safety.
The words that Ray had spoken to the distraught Weston were echoing in his head. �No, you can�t erase it like that. Things that were said. Things that weren�t said. When it�s over, it�s over. You gotta accept that and live with it.�
In the heat of the moment, he had heard the words but hadn�t really listened to them. Now, as he was alone, he realized for the first time, the significance of these words - as they applied to himself, not to Weston or Ray.
He hadn�t thought of her in ages until this particular case had come up. As he had watched Ray struggle with his feelings for Stella, he had been reminded of his own struggle with a woman, the only woman, that he had loved.
He stopped walking and closed his eyes as a wave of memory flooded him. It had been two years but he could still remember that night in his apartment as if it happened yesterday. He could still remember the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin, the passion that they had shared. And the guilt. Ah yes, the all-consuming guilt that he still felt for what he had done.
He opened his eyes when the vivid memory had faded and continued walking. Had he finally moved on, he wondered. His heart still hurt at the thought of her, he found, but the worst of it seemed to have dulled with the passage of time. He had been living with the consequences, he concluded, but part of him still longed to be with her. But as the days went by, it became a little easier to accept that he would most likely never see her again. In some way, he supposed, he was moving on. If she should enter his life again� he shuddered. Best not to think about that � what would happen, what he would do. He wasn�t sure he wanted to know the answer�
***********
The morning sun shone through the windows of the dark apartment, trying to infuse some cheeriness into the room. Ray Kowalski, the man chosen to take Ray Vecchio�s place while he was working undercover, wasn�t having any of it. He got up from the chair he had been sprawling for the last few hours and moved it away from the sun�s light. This done, he sank back into the chair and returned to the dark depression he was in.
He hated this, he really did. Just when he thought he was doing okay, was slowly getting used to his assumed identity and the freaky Mountie he was working with, she had to cross paths with him. With her appearance, all the painful thoughts and memories he thought he had gotten over had resurfaced. All his hopes and dreams had been awakened for a few brief moments then were cruelly dashed. Well, maybe not cruelly. In his head, he realized that it was over between him and Stella, but his heart had still hoped.
He ran a hand through his bushy hair and sighed. It was a good thing he had the day off because he sure as hell wasn�t going anywhere that he might have a possibility of seeing her. He thought about getting up and taking a shower but decided not to. That would be like saying that everything was right with the world and everything was not right.
He heard a knock on the door and for one wild moment thought it was Stella. It didn�t sound like her knock though. He shifted in his chair and waited for the caller to go away. He would open the door for one person today and the odds were high that she wouldn�t come.
The knock came again. This time, a voice was with it. �Ray, it�s me. Please let me in.�
�Damn,� Ray thought. �Go away, Fraser! I just want to be alone.�
�I realize that, Ray, but� well, there�s something I want to share with you,� Fraser said.
Ray sighed irritably and got up. He walked over to the door and opened it. �What?� he asked rudely.
�Could I come in?� Ben asked.
Ray nodded reluctantly and allowed him to enter. After he had done so, he shut the door. �Well?�
Ben cleared his throat several times. �I don�t know how much the leftenant told you about the cases the other Ray and I had worked on��
�He told me a little about them,� Ray interrupted. �What�s your point?�
�Did he tell you about� Victoria Metcalf?�
Victoria Metcalf� the name was familiar. Ray thought back and remembered that Welsh hadn�t said much about that particular case � only that Fraser had arrested her years ago and that she come to Chicago to get revenge. He had gotten the feeling that there had been more to this story, but the people he had asked about it had shook their head and quickly changed the subject.
�A little,� he replied warily.
Ben took a deep breath and proceeded to tell Ray the whole story � from their first meeting to their last encounter. At the end of the tale, he fell silent, waiting for some reaction.
�Wow,� Ray said and immediately felt stupid. �I� uh, I never knew.�
�It was a bad time for me,� Ben replied quietly. �I loved her so much, I was blind to her intentions. If the other Ray hadn�t shot me��
�You would have gone with her?�
�Yes.�
�Why did you tell me this?� Ray asked, curiously.
�I wanted to know that I understand.�
�Understand?�
�About letting go.�
�Oh.�
The two fell into a companiable silence, each lost in thoughts of the past. After awhile, Ray glanced over at Ben. �Thanks, Fraser.�
�You�re welcome, Ray.
Finis
Back to the Library
Back to the Nexus
This page is � 2000 - 2002 by The Webmistress. As always, this page is under construction.