Watching Tony sleep is a favorite pastime for me. He just…I don´t know, radiates calm when he´s asleep. Like everything has to be all right or he wouldn´t even be here much less dead to the world.

He rarely moves much. Just sort of gets comfortable and then it´s lights out. I envy that…a lot. I´m a restless son of a bitch even on a good day. I´ve sat still for hours, hell days even when I was a sniper, but when I sleep I´m all over the place.

Only time Tony gets restless is when he´s having a nightmare. They aren´t common, thank God. And he rarely wakes up from them, so I don´t think he knows that I know about them. I think he´d be embarrassed. Hell, I know he would. I have nightmares about teammates dying because I couldn´t save them, psycho killers and war…he has nightmares about his abusive mother.

No man is ever going to willingly admit his mother, the one person on the planet who should love him and take care of him, beat the shit out of him on a regular basis. It´s the reason I´m reluctant to even tell him I know about his childhood. Well that…and I don´t quite know how to fess up that I fucked up and dug into his past without asking first. I´ve got privacy issues of my own, and I´d be so pissed if he did that to me I´d be chewing nails and spitting tacks. It shames me, but I have to admit I´m scared to death to open up a can of worms that might well ruin the best thing that´s ever happened to me.

I think he thinks he deserved a lot of what she did to him. That it really is his fault she treated him like crap, that he deserved to get smacked around, was somehow not worthy of anything better. I think it´s why he had so much trouble believing me when I told him I wanted more than just a quick fuck. I´m not entirely sure, even now, if he really believes I love him, that I want to be with him forever.

I think he´s still half expecting me to walk away. I don´t think it would surprise him at all if he woke up one day and I just told him, "hey, it´s been fun, but I´m done with this now". Disappoint him, sure, hurt like hell, definitely, but it wouldn´t surprise him. And that just pisses me off. I understand it´s not about me. I get that. It´s about what he thinks he deserves, about what he´s learned to expect from other people.

It is irrational, but I hate his mother. The woman is dead, and I still despise her. She should be damn glad we´ve never met. I´d show her just what abusive really means. I´d show her what it meant to be thought of as nothing.

Tony shifts in his sleep. Shit. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I´m not sure how, but even though I haven´t moved, my anger communicates itself to him. He´s tuned into me in ways my ex-wives never managed. I don´t want to wake him, so I make a conscious effort to let go of my anger and relax.

Dr. Pitt said he needs rest, and a lot of it. He wasn´t too keen on letting Tony leave the hospital so soon but Tony was insistent. He didn´t want to stay and was threatening to check himself out. I had to all but swear a solemn oath that I´d personally see to it Tony took it easy, didn´t try to do too much too soon.

I run my fingers through his hair, and smile a bit when he settles again. It´s only his first night home and I want it to be a good one. The ease with which he falls asleep reminds me of something my grandmother used to say about the innocent. Tony is no innocent, but his conscience is a hell of a lot cleaner than mine.

I know he has regrets. Everyone does. He leaps before he looks from time to time, but he´s learning not to, and his heart is in the right place. He doesn´t have any reason to lie awake at night and question his motives or second guess himself. Me…I´m typically in it for revenge or pride or some other selfish reason. I´m a bastard, and most of the time I´m proud of being one. But at night, when it´s all said and done, then I start thinking about people I didn´t give a damn about at the time in my pursuit of the truth. That´s when I start to think I could have handled things differently, should have taken more time, would have been nicer if I had it to do over again.

He might just sleep better because of all the energy he uses up during the day. He´s no more inclined to fidget when awake than he is sleeping, he just doesn´t really sit still much either. All he needs is a direction, something to focus on and he´s off like a well trained bird dog. Saw that the first day I met him. Was one of the reasons I hired him. He was willing and eager to do what was necessary. He didn´t give up or let go. All he really needed was a little guidance on how to apply himself.

I know for a fact he typically runs on less sleep than most people. It wasn´t a huge surprise to me to see him on the security video working at two in the morning. I knew he logged a lot of hours even before we started sleeping together. He really is a night owl, doing some of his best work when the rest of the world has called it quits. Somehow he manages to keep going all day long in spite of being up half the night. Probably another reason why when he lays down he crashes so hard. Twenty hour days are exhausting, and we have more than our fair share of those.

Doesn´t seem to matter to me how long the day has been, I can´t sleep worth a damn on my own. Never have. Which was one of the reasons I kept getting married even when I knew it was a dumb idea. You´d have thought the second one would have clued me in but some how I managed to overlook the obvious for the sake of a good night´s sleep.

Sleeping with Tony…it´s like curling up next to a big teddy bear. It sounds stupid and juvenile, but doesn´t make it any less true. I´ve got comfort, security and warmth when I lay down with him. I trust him. More than I have anyone else in my life.

It is like his being relaxed and comfortable is contagious. It has to be. I can relax, let down my guard and sleep just because he can. I don´t even move as much as I usually do. It´s weird but after three months together, I don´t question it any more.

I was starting to take that bit of security for granted…taking him for granted. Then he got infected with the plague, damn near died, and…my breath catches just thinking about it. Jesus. I have never been so scared and angry in my life.

I can still see him in that isolation unit. Stupid ultraviolet lights made him look worse than the corpses on Ducky´s tables. They told me he´d been coughing up blood. I didn´t need a medical degree to know how bad that was. Could see that just looking at him how close a call it was. I damn near lost him forever.

I shudder. It doesn´t matter how close it was, I tell myself. It doesn´t matter. Not going to worry about what might have happened. All that matters is he´s alive. Pitt said he´d be fine, would recover completely in time.

I nearly belted the man when he added, almost as an after thought, that Tony would probably be more susceptible to lung ailments like bronchitis and pneumonia in the future and would need to be careful. He said it like it was no big deal. I mean, in relation to damn near dying, it is minor. But no one should be so dismissive of my lover´s health and well being. No one.

Tony shifts in his sleep again and his breathing changes. I know what that means. He´s dreaming and judging by the furrow between his brows it´s not a good one.

On the job, I have no doubts about how to handle things, never hesitate, never consider the consequences until afterward. But here, I worry I´ll mess up. I worry that I´ll do something wrong and hurt him. It´s easier when he´s talking in his sleep. Then I get some clue as to how bad it is, an idea of what to say to get him out of that horrible place. He whimpers, and I can´t help but flinch. I can´t leave him there.

I call his name softly, knowing better than to touch him before he´s recognized me at least on a subconscious level. He shivers, curling in on himself. I call his name again, and carefully run my fingers through his hair.

Tony gasps, and sits up suddenly, startling me. His eyes are wide and wild, one arm rising in a defensive gesture. I´m not sure he´s really awake yet so I give him a little more room. Don´t want to crowd him or scare him more than he already is.

Before I can say or do anything else he starts coughing. It´s a harsh and painful sound. I move to support him, and pat his back like Pitt said should be done to break up the congestion and help him breathe.

The coughing continues and he reaches blindly for something to spit into. I snag the basin from the nightstand Pitt said to keep on hand for just this purpose and hold it for him. He stopped coughing up blood two days before leaving the hospital, but I check for it anyway just to be sure.

I keep rubbing his back, waiting for him to catch his breath. I put the basin back on the nightstand, reminding myself to empty it later and offer him a glass of water. Tony takes a sip, and then another.

"Thanks." His voice is little more than a rough, raw whisper.

"You okay?" There are shadows in his eyes that worry me. I´m asking about more than his health here, but I know he won´t tell me what he was dreaming about.

He rolls his eyes at me, a ghost of a smile hovering around his mouth. He´s doing his best to make everything seem normal. Shame of it is just how damn good he is at it. No one gets that good without a lot of practice. "Never better, Boss."

"Liar." I can´t keep myself from calling him on it.

"Time delayed truth," Tony waggles his eyebrows at me.

He´s used that line before. It still makes me want to smile, but I keep my face in order. "Now, Tony, not later," I remind him, standing my ground. I ask again, "Are you okay?"

Tony sighs and grimaces. "My chest and throat hurt. And I got a headache."

I shake my head. Pitt sent several bottles of pills with him. I´m sure painkillers were in one of them. "Stay here."

Tony snorts. "Where would I go?"

I get up and take the basin with me. I rinse it out in the kitchen, using bleach to make sure it is really clean, sterile. The little bag of pills is on the counter where I left them earlier. I rifle around in it until I find the painkillers. Tylenol with codeine. Pitt had wanted to proscribe something stronger but Tony argued against it. He has a thing about pills.

Can´t say that I blame him. I have a thing about them as well. Seen way too many addicts in my time to ever want to be one.

I wrestle the stupid child proof cap off and shake out two for him. I stuff the bottle back in the bag and then hide them in one of the cupboards in a mixing bowl I don´t think Tony even knows he owns much less has a reason to look into. If I leave the pills where he can find them, he´ll flush them. I know he´s done it before.

I head back to the bedroom. I offer him the pills. He just looks at them blankly. I glare at him until he takes them from me. I offer him the glass of water again. Tony sighs and takes a drink to wash down the medication.

"Not taking any more." He says, a stubborn expression on his face.

I don´t bother arguing. He´ll take them if he needs them. He knows it. I know it. Nothing to argue about.

"Lay down." I tell him. "You need more than," I glance as the clock, "four hours of sleep."

Tony shakes his head. "Harder to breathe laying flat."

That explains why his bed at the hospital was always elevated. I frown at the pillows. There aren´t enough of them and they aren´t firm enough to do the same job.

"Scoot forward."

He arches an eyebrow but moves forward. I fluff the pillows a little before I slide in behind him. I lean back into the pillows, then wrap my arms and legs around Tony and pull him back into me.

I place a soft kiss on his temple when he rests his head on my shoulder with at tired sigh. "Better?"

Tony grins tilting his head enough to look at me. "Much."

In spite of his bright eyes and grin he looks exhausted. The dark smudges under his eyes don´t help any. He´s normally so full of life and energy, it is almost physically painful to see him any other way. I pull him closer to me, wishing like hell I could have saved him from all this.

"Not your fault, Jethro." Tony whispers. He weaves the fingers of his right hand into mine, squeezing once. "I should have known better than to open the letter."

"Fucking thing shouldn´t have been delivered in the first place." I counter. Or if delivered it should have ended up on my desk. All the mail does now…no exceptions. I made damn sure everyone knows. Threatened to kill anyone who didn´t comply. I know where to hide bodies so they´ll never be found. And everyone knows that.

"Why did you open it?" I ask quietly. That little question had been bugging me for days.

"Thought it was from one of my old girlfriends." He shivers and pulls the blanket up. Love that down comforter of his.

"One of your old girlfriends?" I know he hasn´t been with anyone else since we got together, but the jealousy is almost instinctive and I can´t help asking.

"Not love notes, Boss." He squeezes my hand again and I know I failed miserably at trying to sound neutral. "Got a few that send hate mail once in awhile. Let me know what a shit I am. How much better off they are without me. That kind of thing."

I rub my cheek against his hair and hug him closer to me. How the hell anyone would think they were better off with out him is a mystery. Those women must be even bigger idiots than most people.

Tony clears his throat. He sounds nervous and ashamed. "Didn´t want anyone else to read that."

"Can understand why you wouldn´t." Taking a breath I make a conscious decision to share a bit of my past. "My ex-wives have sent me a fair share of hate mail I wouldn´t want anyone else to read."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I sigh softly. "By ex-wife number two I realized what they were saying in those letters didn´t have a lot to do with me. It was just about their need to vent. Get it off their chests without having to actually look at me to do it."

"Hunh." Tony shakes his head, his voice soft, contemplative. "Never thought of it that way."

My jaw tightens. He probably took that all the vitriol being spewed like it was gospel. He would take that crap to heart. I know he would. He´d believe they were right to think he´s a horrible person, that he deserved to be insulted and hurt, wasn´t worth more to them than just a good time and they are glad to be rid of him. Goddamn his mother.

Tony yawns. He settles more deeply into me. "Tired."

"Then sleep." I tell him. I adjust the comforter a bit so it covers both of us. He gets chilled so easily when he doesn´t feel well.

"Doesn´t seem fair to you." He chuckles, a raspy sound of amusement. "I´m no lightweight."

"I´m fine." I´m more than fine. Holding him I can feel his heart beat, feel him breathing, can wrap myself around him…I know he´s okay without even opening my eyes. And he´s not that heavy. I can tell he lost weight. Nearly dieing does that to a person.

"You sure?" The question slurs a bit and I can tell he´s not far from nodding off.

"I´m sure."

"Okay." He sighs.

There´s a faint rattle in his chest before his breathing evens out and deepens. I place a soft kiss on his temple and try to imprint this moment on my senses, make it an indelible memory. I close my eyes. Maybe now I can get a few hours of sleep. Maybe. I´m not betting on it though.

I love my job. Never had to force myself to go to work.  Never played hooky or tried to sneak off early.  Hell, I can count on one hand the number of times I´ve called in sick.  But today I was seriously tempted to stay home, to call off, to just pretend I couldn´t come in.

It was almost physically painful to leave Tony home alone.  I know he´s an adult and he´s been looking after himself for years, but he´s still not fully recovered.  But he´s no more likely to spend an entire day in bed than I am.  Stubborn fool.  

He was awake at his usual time when that antique mantel clocked chimed out the hour.  The chime really isn´t all that loud.  I didn´t think it would be enough to wake him.  Should have known better.  He told me he´s been getting up with it for over ten years.  Habits like that don´t disappear just because he isn´t at his best.  Damn it anyway.

I told him to go back to sleep.  Didn´t do any good.  He rolled his eyes and told me he could sleep later.  Said it wasn´t like he had anything else planned for the day.  He better not have anything else planned or there will be hell to pay when I get home.

He joined me for breakfast.  Not that he actually ate anything.  His appetite has been off since he got sick.  Pitt said not to worry about it, that it would take time for Tony to recover his usual enthusiasm for food.  

Pitt is an idiot.  He has no idea how much fuel it takes to keep Tony running.  He doesn´t appreciate how little it takes for him to lose weight.  I can tell Tony´s already lost a good ten pounds.  It worries me.  Just like I worry about how little sleep he got and that horrible sounding cough he still has and how he´s probably not going to take any of the pills he´s supposed to take.  

I manage to avoid picking up the phone and calling him.  Mostly I succeed with that because the director had some torturous meeting I had to sit through all morning, and we didn´t have a new case yet.  Otherwise, I´m sure I´d have called him every hour just to make sure he wasn´t overdoing it.  

Louisa was supposed to stop by today.  She was very worried about him.  I´m still not sure if she knows about us or if she just thinks I´m a good friend of his.  I mean, it´s not like she knows what we do when I spend the night.  Or at least I hope she doesn´t.  She reminds me a little too much of my mother for me to feel comfortable with her knowing intimate details about my sex life.

The only one at the office who knows about us is McGee.  It sort of surprised me that it was him who found out. Kate´s a trained profiler, Ducky knows me better than anyone else and if anyone can appreciate an alternative lifestyle it´s Abby.  I always expected it to be one of them who figured it out.  

In all fairness, McGee did stumble on to us in a lip lock in the parking garage so it could be he just got lucky.  I have my doubts about that though.  Sort of got the feeling he knew beforehand.  He was not nearly as shocked as I would have expected.  And he was way too accepting of us for it to be a complete surprise.  Not sure what we might have done or failed to do that gave us away.  I´m not too worried since the only one to notice so far has been McGee.  

I check my watch again for the thousandth time.  Day isn´t moving any faster.  Fuck.  I didn´t think it would be so hard to focus without Tony here.

Without Tony everything at the office is just…off. I don´t know when he came to define normal and right, but he does.  It was probably the day he started, if not the day I met him.  Was so damn subtle it just snuck up on me and I didn´t notice until he wasn´t here.

I´m not the only one missing him.  Kate and McGee look a little lost.  I had half expected them to call Tony yesterday.  They had to know he was getting out of the hospital.  

McGee probably thought he´d be intruding.  He´s got a good head on his shoulders that way.  I give it a day or two before he calls or stops by.  I know Tony will be glad to see him.  

Kate…now she´s one I can´t quite figure out.  She´d stayed with Tony as long as possible while he was in that isolation unit, and I´m grateful he wasn´t alone even though I resent like hell it wasn´t me in there with him.  It hurts to admit it, but it was better that it was her than me.  I´d have gone nuts in there knowing there was nothing I could do to help.

Given what she did, risking exposure to the plague and all that, you´d think she´d be just as eager to see him recover.  That she´d want to see him back on his feet.  But she seems almost too eager to dismiss the whole thing.  I recognize denial when I see it.  She thought he was a goner, and now doesn´t want to even consider what might have happened so she´s ignoring it and pretending everything is back to normal even though we all know it´s not.  Not yet.  Won´t be until Tony is back at his desk where he belongs.  

I sigh.  And force myself not to look at his empty desk.  I already caught myself looking over my shoulder for him at least a dozen times.  Had to stop myself from barking out his name a few times too.

Finally, it´s five o´clock.  I send my team home.  It´s early for me, but I really don´t care.  I´ve left Tony home alone long enough.  

I don´t curse the other drivers when they slow me down, but I´m thinking it loud enough to be heard.  None of them know how the hell to drive.  I hate stupid people.

I let myself into Tony´s place.  I know it´s perverse to be glad he locks his door when I don´t lock my own, but I can´t help it.  I don´t have anything anyone would want to steal.  I´m mean enough to shoot first and ask questions later.  And hell until recently I didn´t sleep much or deeply so it wasn´t like anyone was going to catch me unaware.  

I leave my shoes in the rack by the door.  Rather a civilized set up.  It cuts down on the dirt that gets trafficked through the place.  And I never have to wonder what I did with my shoes.  

I can hear music coming from the living room.  I frown.  He should be in bed.  Not that I really expected to find him there, but I´d hoped to.  

I don´t exactly tiptoe into the living room, but I do make a point of being quiet.  There was a time when I didn´t walk soft, when it didn´t matter if I made noise, but it seems like ages ago.  Back before I was the mean old man I am now.  Back before I was trained so well to kill people. Back before I learned silence would give me a chance to live and noise was certain death.

The TV is showing the blue screen that always comes up after a few minutes when Tony´s using the satellite radio he gets from his service provider.  It´s better than the crap that´s usually on TV to watch.  Reality TV has got to the dumbest thing I´ve ever seen.  I got enough reality in my life…I don´t need to see a bunch of people acting like morons trying to win a chance at their fifteen seconds of fame.  I´ll pass, thanks.
 
I smile when I spot Tony on the couch, fast asleep.  He looks better than he did this morning.  He´s still a bit too pale, but the shadows under his eyes aren´t quite so dark.  At least I don´t think so.  Could just be wishful thinking.

He must have brought the comforter out from the bedroom.  I frown. The two times I´ve seen him nap on the couch, he´s just curled up under the afghan Louisa made for him.  The heavier blanket tells me all I need to know about how he felt when he settled in on the couch.

I should let him sleep.  But I´m betting he didn´t eat much today, if at all.  He needs to eat, and I want to talk to him.  It´s only been one day…a measly eight hours but I´ve missed him.  I shake my head.  I´ve got it so bad, no denying it.

I sit on the coffee table and lean forward whispering his name.  Know better than to touch him until he knows it´s me.  I call again and he blinks sleepily at me.  I reach out to lightly run my fingers through his hair.

"Hey."  He smiles.  His voice is a little rougher than it usually is when he just wakes up.  It has been like that since he got sick.    

"Hey, yourself." I move to kiss his forehead.  It´s not just a show off affection; I´m checking his temperature just like my mother used to do to me.  I frown when I find he´s a little warmer than he should be.

"I´m okay, Jethro." He rolls his eyes at me.  He knew what I was doing.

"You´re warm."  I point out.  

"Yeah, and I´m still hacking up hairballs."  He says dismissively before he yawns.  "Brad said it would be like this for awhile."

"Brad?"

"Dr. Pitt."  Tony snickers.  "Damn glad I don´t have to go through life with a name that makes people think of someone else rather than me."

I smile.  "There is only one Tony DiNozzo."

He sighs, green eyes looking away from me.  "Well, technically that´s not true."

"Technically?"  I blink not sure what to make of that statement.

"You weren´t the only one named after your father."

I don´t know what expression I´ve got on my face so I´m glad he´s not looking at me.  That simple, honest statement caught me completely off guard.  Tony rarely ever talks about his family, barely mentions them in fact.  And when he does he usually is careful to couch things in a way to create false impressions.  Kate thinks Tony is a spoiled rich kid, a trust fund baby.   Pretty sure McGee thought the same thing for awhile, although I don´t think he still does but I don´t know what caused that to change.  Abby knows Tony better than they do.  She´s willing to play along, accepting the illusion rather than challenge Tony on it and possibly damage their friendship over such a minor thing.  Her willingness to accept him is a big reason they are such good friends in the first place.

I knew his old man was also named Anthony DiNozzo.  It´s in his file.  So it´s technically information I should already have and not be surprised to hear.  But it didn´t really hit me until I did my own digging into his background.  Then the name took on a whole new significance when I realized I hated the fucker for not looking after his son the way a father should.  I hate him for not protecting Tony, for not putting his son higher on the list of important things than his fucking drinks.  If he and I ever meet, it will not be pretty.  I can feel my jaw clench and hope Tony can´t hear my teeth grinding.  

Remembering what he´d said when I told him I went by my middle name to avoid being confused with my father, I manage a genuine smile.  "Can´t see you as a junior."

He flinches and I realize I said something wrong.  "Neither can he."  I don´t quite know what that means until Tony says, "My father named me after himself and my grandfather.  He always expected me to just follow in their footsteps."

"I´m glad you decided to take your own path."  I place a kiss softly on his temple.  "Never would have met you if you hadn´t.  And you make a damn good agent, Tony DiNozzo.  You are one hell of an investigator.  I wouldn´t have you on my team otherwise."

He smiles and gives me a fond, tolerant look. I know he doesn´t really believe me.  Not quite, not completely.  But I can tell what I said helps ease an old hurt.  I keep thinking if I say it enough he´ll finally start to realize it´s the truth.  He´s a damn good detective and I am lucky to have him on my team…lucky to have him.  I have to remind myself I have a lifetime of shit to counteract.  Like his habit of getting up with the soft chime of that antique clock, his opinion of himself and his value won´t change overnight.

He reaches out and lightly caresses my cheek with one knuckle.  "You are definitely one of a kind."

I kiss him.  I am very careful to keep it light.  I promised Pitt I wouldn´t let Tony do anything strenuous and if I let this kiss turn into something more I´d be breaking my promise.  

Tony looks disappointed when I pull back.  "Not until you´re feeling better," I tell him.

"I feel better," he says with a quick grin.  The cough that follows proves him wrong.  It´s not as bad as it was last night but it still leaves him winded and struggling to breathe.  Sitting up helps.  So does patting his back, which I do without hesitation.  

"Okay?"  I ask when he´s done.

"Yeah."  He nods and swallows painfully.

"You take your medicine?"

"Louisa sent me on a guilt trip about not taking care of myself."  He gives me a dark look.  "Did you really have to tell her what I was supposed to be taking and when?"

"Would you have taken them?"

"No."

"Then yes, I really had to tell her."  

"Mother hen."  He sounds more amused than mad about it.  

He kicks the comforter off and swings his feet to the floor.  He shivers, and I have to fight the urge to dig out a thermometer.  I don´t know if Tony even has one.   Maybe I´ll pick one up tomorrow.  Just to be on the safe side.

"You hungry?"  

Tony grimaces.  "Not really."

I frown at him.  "Wrong answer."

"Nothing tastes good."  He´s not whining.  He´s also not arguing, he´s just stating a fact.  Funny how easy it is for me to be able to hear the subtle nuances now.  

"Louisa leave food in the fridge?"  

"Yeah."  Tony sighs softly, resigned.  He gives in with more grace than I ever have.  "Must be a gallon of soup in there."  

He stretches a little, vertebrae popping.  That sound gives me the willies.  Abby does it too.  They both say it doesn´t hurt, but it sure sounds painful.

"Hate it when you do that."

"Feels good."  Tony looks at the digital display on the DVD player.  "You´re home early."

"Not early," I counter.  "Just on time for a change."

He grins playfully, eyes sparkling.  "I´m a bad influence on you."

I cup his face with both hands.  "Oh you are an influence all right, but I wouldn´t say bad."  I lean in and kiss him again, gentle and heartfelt.  "Definitely not bad," I whisper against his lips.

I love it when he blushes.  He does it so rarely.  Just a little bit of color across his cheekbones.  It´s endearing.

He clears his throat.  "Must have been a slow day."

"Interminable."  I don´t mind admitting that.  "No new cases.  Meetings all morning."

"Ugh."  Tony turns his head to place a kiss in my palm.  I like how frequently he uses physical contact as a way of offering consolation.  

"Worst thing was you weren´t there."  I smile at him, soft and warm.  "I missed you."

"Really?"  He brightens.  It takes so little to make him happy.  Everyone should be this easy to please.

"Really."  I pat his cheek.  "Now let´s see about warming up that soup.  You need to eat."

He scowls but doesn´t protest.  I steady him when he gets to his feet even though he doesn´t need it.  I just like the idea of being close to him and I´m not ready to let go just yet.  Even before we became lovers I got to touch him throughout the day, got to talk to him, got to look at him.  I´m some sort of addict in need of a fix.  Fortunately, Tony doesn´t mind.  

I keep a hand on his back when we head into the kitchen.  I point to a chair, silently telling him to sit.  He snickers and tosses off a sloppy salute, but doesn´t say anything as he sits.  

Soup is in the fridge just ready to be heated.  Tony was right; there is probably a gallon in there.  Good.  He can have some tomorrow too.  

Knowing he´s not going to want much, I use a mug for Tony and a larger bowl for me.  I want him to eat, but I don´t want him to over do it either.  Forcing him to eat too much will just make him sick.  I cut up some cheese and neatly fan out some saltines on the same plate.  It´s a simple meal, but it should be enough to tempt Tony´s appetite.

"You want something to drink?"

"A beer."

"Try again."  Pitt said Tony needed plenty of fluids, just like anyone recovering from a cold or the flu.  Alcohol doesn´t count.

Tony gives me an annoyed look.  "Water."

I hand him a bottle of water from the fridge, and take one for myself.  I wouldn´t mind a beer, but if he can´t have one it just seems cruel to drink it in front of him.  When the microwave dings I offer him the mug before I take the seat across from him with my bowl.  

Louisa knows chicken and dumpling soup is his favorite.  That woman dotes on Tony.  Pretty sure she made this from scratch.  Haven´t had soup this good since my mother died.  

We talk about what is going on at the office while we eat.  Tony misses being there as much as I miss having him there.  I know he´s not going to take the full two weeks of sick leave.  On one hand, I want him to.  Want him to take all the time he needs, to recover completely.  But on the other hand, I want him where I can keep an eye on him.  Want him where I can make sure he really is okay.  

He eats most of the soup, but nibbles on the cheese and crackers eating about a third of them.  I´m not going to give him shit about not eating more.  Not today.  Tomorrow, yeah, I´ll start riding his ass harder.  He´s got to be doing better by the end of the week if he´s planning to come back to the office.  I already know we´re going to argue about that at some point.  And it sucks knowing I´m going to lose.  I decide I´m not going to worry about it right now.

"You have a good day?" I ask him.

"I slept for most of it." He looks embarrassed.  

Contrary to what most people think, Tony is anything but lazy.  I can see where he´d think sleeping the day away was something to be ashamed off.  I reach out to catch one of his hands.  I love his hands, and I run my thumb over his knuckles in a light caress.

"Doing what´s needed isn´t wasteful or lazy."  I weave our fingers together and squeeze once.  "You need the rest to get better.  So don´t feel bad about it."

He nods.  I know he´s just doing it to appease me, he´s not really agreeing.  He does that better than most….smooth the waters, unruffled feathers without really ass kissing or committing himself.  

"You done?"  I point toward his mug and plate.

"Yeah."  He fidgets.  He doesn´t do that very often and it´s a sure sign he´s uncomfortable.  "Sorry."

"It´s okay."  I don´t want him to feel bad about this.  It´s not like he can help it.  Doesn´t mean I´m not going to keep trying to force food on him until he´s back to normal.  I´ll probably be handing him something every chance I get.  

"Go pick out a movie."  I smile at him.  "I´ll be in as soon as I clean up here."

He grins.  This has gotten to be a ritual for us.  We almost always watch a movie when we spend the night at his place.  He´s got such a huge collection and I´m fairly certain I´ll never see the same one twice.  He loves introducing me to his favorites, and to be honest, I don´t mind watching them.  There is something decidedly appealing about the old black and white films.

When we spend the night at my place, he does crossword puzzles, reading the clues out loud so I can play along while I work on my boat.  Every once in a while I can convince him to read out loud to me from whatever book he´s in the middle of.  I know he likes me to read to him, but I´m not sure he realizes how much I enjoy it when he returns the favor.  

I get the kitchen cleaned up and then head into the living room. I sit down and wrap my arms and legs around Tony to pull him back against me.  It´s the same way I held him last night.  It´s comfortable for both of us.  Love the way he settles against me.  

"What are we watching tonight?"

"Strangers on a Train."  

Hitchcock.  I like him.  I rest my chin on Tony´s shoulder, more content and relaxed than I´ve been since I left this morning.  I could spend the rest of my life just like this.  

I close my eyes and memorize the way it feels to hold him.  I want to permanently imprint him on my senses…the scent and sound of him, the way he feels…all of it.  I´ll need that to get through the next few days at work without him.

The first day with Tony out of the office on sick leave was damn near endless.  The rest of the week wasn´t a whole hell of a lot better.  I was snapping and snarling at people for no reason other than being out of sorts.  Fortunately, I´m enough of a bastard most wouldn´t even think to question my surly demeanor.  

Abby was brave enough to mention it.  Once.  I just glared at her.  I´m pretty sure she´s convinced it´s my knee bothering me.  It does bother me from time to time.  And it´s a plausible an excuse as any.  Not like I can just say…´hey, people, I´m sorry I´m being an ass, but my lover nearly died and not being able to keep an eye on him is driving me nuts.´  That would go over about as well as a lead balloon I´m sure.

At least McGee gets it.  And he´s doing his best to keep his head down and be inconspicuous.  Kate made one half-hearted effort to get me to talk.  She was just about as successful as she was when she tried that when Tony was on the run chained to a killer.  Snort.  Do I look like the sort who just spills his guts?    

Ducky, bless his heart, didn´t even ask.  I think he might actually suspect.  But then again, he´s seen me get this bent out of shape over things before…Ari being one of them.  Hell he´s seen me through a divorce and a few other ugly moments.  The man might not know why I´m acting like a bear with a sore paw but he´s got enough sense to leave me alone.  

As weird as the office felt to not have Tony there, it was ten times worse when we got a case.  Christ.  I never realized just how much shit he does.  Don´t think Kate or McGee did either until now.  

I mean I know he´s good at what he does.  And I appreciate it now more than I ever have.  Kate and McGee were doing their best, but I can´t help but think if Tony had been working the damn thing wouldn´t have taken four days to solve.  He´d have realized the best friend had more to tell or seen the significance in the matching pendants.  He´d have picked up on the pattern of phone calls or understood the fury seething under the surface.  He´s good at picking up on details like that, good at putting the last piece of the puzzle in place to complete the picture.

I sigh and rub my hand wearily over my face.  Four fucking days.  And honestly it wasn´t the time…or the quality of my team´s work even without Tony.  No.  What really had me wound up was the fact that this case was one we had to travel for.  Four goddamn days away from Tony.  

We talked on the phone.  He´d call me every morning at 5:30.  Just checking in.  I never listened so closely to another person in my life before. I was trying to glean how he was doing knowing full well he wasn´t going to tell me the whole truth.  Hell, I don´t even admit to having ever been sick.  Can´t see him saying, ‘Yeah, I still feel like crap, boss´.  

Most of our conversation focused on the case.  Which probably sounds bad to most people.  Haven´t seen each other in days and most of what we talk about is work.  But it was new territory for us.  Normally, he´s with me on a case, at the office or in the field, so we don´t have to talk about work.  

I know how much he misses the job.  I wouldn´t want to be talking about the weather and painting the bedroom or picking out drapes or whatever if he were out working on a case.  I´d want to know what the hell was going on.  So I had to respect his desire to stay connected.  Doesn´t mean I didn´t down play the affect of his absence.  Last thing I want is for him to rush coming back to work or think the team can´t survive without him.  

I don´t tell him that it was going over the case with him that finally had me putting all the pieces together.  I probably should tell him at some point.  And I will.  Once he´s better and back on the job.  But if I can find a way to convince him to take all the sick leave Director Morrow offered, then I will.

Right now I´m just eager to be done and gone.  Flight back was uneventful.  And all the connections were on time.  Amazing. Don´t think that´s ever happened to me before.  

Kate looks relieved to be back home.  And McGee looks damn glad just to be back on the ground.  Tony sent him a package of Dramamine and a barf bag via FedEx.  They had to have been in touch at some point even though neither one had said anything about it.  

They have a good friendship.  I have a feeling it might some day grow to mirror the one I have with Ducky.  Hard to say for sure.  I sort of hope so.  I´m not sure I´d have made it through some of the rougher periods in my life if not for Ducky.  Tony should have someone like that to count on.  McGee too.  Someone more than just me.  I haven´t forgotten the age difference between us.  I expect to be the one to die first.  Which is another reason why that whole plague thing scared me so badly.  Tony is going to out live me.  Come hell or high water.  

Off the stupid plane and get the car.  I know I´m driving even faster than usual, but neither Kate or McGee say anything about it.  I think Kate´s afraid to, and McGee knows better.

Traffic is lighter this time of day.  Commuters are all home where they belong.  Lucky bastards.  

I don´t turn the car off when I let McGee and Kate out.  McGee better hope he doesn´t have car trouble this time.  He´s on his own.  Kate too.   

I just grunt when Kate says good-bye.  McGee gives me a tight smile.  He hesitates before getting out, making sure Kate is out of ear shot before he whispers, "Tell Tony thanks for the Dramamine.  And I´m glad he´s feeling better."

"Will do."  I give him a real smile.  "I know I´ve been a little—"

"No worse than usual, Boss." He shrugs.  "Don´t worry about it."

I nod and he gets out.  At least he´s not totally pissed at me for being a real bastard.  Not that it would matter one way or the other, but it´s still nice to know.  I like my team.  I don´t want to alienate all of them.  

I wave to Kate as I pull out.  She waves back looking just a bit confused.  Good.  I like keeping her a bit off balance.  

The drive to Tony´s place I could do in my sleep if I had to.  Which is probably a good thing given how little sleep I´ve gotten in the last four days. It gets harder and harder to sleep without him.  Didn´t help that I kept having nightmares about him dieing.  Nothing like waking up in a cold sweat, scrambling around a strange bed trying to find him.  Hours from midnight to five never seemed so damn long before.  

I pull into Tony´s parking spot.  He still hasn´t replaced his car.  I wonder if he´s going to go for another one of those racy sport types or stick with something like the sedan the insurance company has given him to use.  Really can´t see him staying with something so sedate.  Can´t say I blame him there.  A sports car suits him better.  

If I could afford a Ferrari like he´s said he always wanted, I´d have gotten it for him.  Funny thing, I think he could buy one of those for himself.  I know he got some money when his Aunt Sully died, but I have no idea just how much.  Has to be enough that buying $400 shoes and Armani suits doesn´t faze him much.   No way he could afford that stuff on his salary alone.  But then those things, even as expensive as they are, still cost a hell of a lot less than a Ferrari.

I grab my bag, lock the car and head up to his place.  I nod to a few people I see in passing.  They´ve seen me around enough they probably think I live here.  I know Tony´s already been at my house enough to make nice with my neighbors.  Hell I didn´t even know those people until Tony started coming by.  Now they wave at me and smile.  Go figure.

I unlock the door.  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, reveling in the scent of home.  Know it´s odd, hell maybe even crazy, but there is something about the way his place smells. It has to be him, not the place really, because I can smell that wonderful fragrance at my place now although it´s diluted there by sawdust and coffee.  

I take another deep breath.  Can feel myself relaxing a little.  That tension headache I´d been sporting since I knew I was leaving is finally starting to ease off.  

I leave my bag and my shoes in the foyer.  There is no sound coming from the living room, but I double check it just to be sure Tony hasn´t fallen asleep on the couch.  There´s a ‘sleep´ feature on his TV that shuts it off after two hours or so.  

No Tony.  I´m a little disappointed since I´d called to let him know what flight we´d be on and when I´d be home.  Had sort of hoped he´d be waiting for me.  But if he´s in bed, that´s okay too. I don´t think he´s back up to 100% no matter what he´s told me over the phone.  I pad into the bedroom, frowning slightly when I realize there is a light on.  

Not a light I realize with some surprise, it´s candles.  A row of white candles are lined up on the dresser.  Their light reflected by the mirror so it seems like a lot more of them.

My breath catches when I see Tony on the bed, naked.  Lord.  He is so…so…god, the only word that fits is beautiful. He´s got his hands behind his head, legs crossed at the ankles.  He looks like my own personal fantasy come to life.  I swallow hard.  If I´m dreaming, I don´t want to wake up.

He smiles at me, warm and welcoming.  "Hey."

"Hey, yourself."   I would like to think I sound casual, but I know I don´t.  I can hear the hunger and need in my voice and I know he can too.  Just being away for four days was only part of it.  We hadn´t done anything more than share a few kisses since he got sick.

"You…ah…just going to stand there?"  He moved one hand from behind his head to pat the bed, stroking the comforter in a sensual manner.  "Plenty of room right here."

I am moving before I even realize I am.  No way would I refuse an invitation like that.  I am almost shaking with the need to touch him.  

I force myself to stop and strip out of my clothes, tossing them off with careless abandon.   I don´t want anything between me and him. Not now.  And once we get this party started, I don´t want to stop for anything.

He grins at me.  "Good thinking, boss."

"I´m more than just a pretty face."

"That you are."  He licks his lips.  "That you are, indeed."  

His eyes ghost over me from head to toe with a nearly tangible touch.  The look is appreciative, openly admiring and so much more than a leer.  I don´t think anyone has ever looked at me quite the way he does.  It is more than just lust or admiration for the physical.  Leaves me breathless every single time to know he really sees me and loves me anyway.

I close the distance between us, sitting on the bed and leaning in to capture his mouth.  So warm and wet and delicious.  I love his mouth, love the way he tastes.  Familiar and unique.  There is a bit of mint, something like cinnamon this time and something I´ve never been able to truly identify but find myself craving every day.

I cup his face, holding him in place.  Not that he´s trying to escape.  No, far from it. He´s wrapping arms and legs around me, pulling me closer.  The warmth of his skin against mine is as delicious as his mouth.

I sigh.  I missed him…missed this. I release his mouth and bury my face against his neck, and just breathe him in.  

He runs a hand up and down my back.  Have yet to figure out how he can touch me and have it be soothing and arousing at the same time.  It´s just one more paradox about Tony that I´ve come to appreciate.

I nibble on his neck seeking that spot that always makes him shiver.  Love the way he rubs against me.  Reminds me of a big cat.  Can´t quite decide if he´s marking his territory, rubbing his scent on me, or simply trying to encourage even more contact.  Either works for me.

His little shiver tells me when I´ve located the right spot.  I suck hard and apply my teeth.  I lick away the little hurt I´ve caused.  I want to mark him as mine.  Want the whole world to know he´s taken no matter how much he flirts.  

I work my way down his chest.  He´s making those breathy little sighs I like so much.  He´s never really loud, but he´s definitely vocal.  Like that…a lot.  No doubt about what he enjoys or how much.

He´s got his hands in my hair, not quite holding me in place but definitely encouraging me to take my time.  I am more than happy to lavish some serious attention on his nipples. It turns me on to play with them almost as much as it turns him on to have them played with.  Like some sort of weird feedback loop.  

I can feel his fingers massaging my scalp and I moan.  God.  You´d think I´d have known before meeting him how much I like that.  You´d think I´d have known how damn good it feels.  

He´s rubbing against me.  The silken slide of his skin against mine is a heady thing.  I can´t think when he does that.  Can barely breathe.

Even this close, I´m still too far away.  I want more.  I need more. "Tony…Lube…we need—"

"No we don´t."  He pulls my head up, green eyes sparkling.  "Took care of it already."

It takes a little longer than it should for me to understand what he´s saying.  But when I get it, I kiss him senseless.  I don´t have any trouble imagining what he looked like preparing himself for me.  Long fingers working their way in and out, skin flushed with heat, soft sounds of pleasure.  Christ.  I moan into his mouth, my hips rocking against his.  

Ruthlessly I pull away from that delectable mouth.  He grins at me, raising his hips in a blatant invitation.  I am so damn grateful he´s so limber because I love taking him this way.

I caress his chest and hips.  Never met anyone with skin as nice as his.  It´s like petting warm silk.  

I shift a bit, helping to hold him in the right place.  I close my eyes as I sink into him.  God.  He´s so hot and tight, and it feels so good.  He does one of those purring sighs as I hold myself still to let us both adjust.  

He wraps those long, lean legs around me.  His heels rub against my back and ass.  Didn´t know that was a turn on either until I met him.  But then none of my female lovers were as tall as he is and I didn´t do this with many men.  

"Move."  His voice is deep and raspy.  "Please…Jethro."

I don´t make him ask twice.  I start slow, letting it build.  Know he likes me to take my time.  Makes it feel like all that matters is this rising intensity, this growing urgency, that the whole universe is working toward one timeless moment.  

He reached for his own cock and I block his hand.  "Mine."

He looks at me, eyes wide and trusting, smile warm….my very own debauched angel.  He could tempt a saint.  "Yours."

I stroke his cock, matching the movement of my hand to the thrust of my hips.  He arches his back, eyes closed. A mewling sound of pleasure escapes him.  It makes my toes curl to hear it.  

This is the experience I was so hungry for I felt like I was starving.  This….all of it; the feel of him, the scent, the sound, even the taste of him…all of it is what I wanted so desperately.  Nothing between us now, we´re even breathing in sync.  This is what is home for me now…this is what makes me whole, complete.

I´m moving faster now.  Can´t help it.  We´re both panting now.  He´s urging me on.  Harder.  Faster.  More.  God.  Please, just a little more.

Can feel those little tremors starting to wrack him.  And the base of my spine is tingling.  We are both so close.  I roll my hips a little to change the angle so I´m hitting his prostate.  Tony cries out something.  No idea what.  Not sure it´s even English.

His muscles flex and twitch.  I can feel his orgasm building.  His is carrying me as well.  It´s a bigger rush than riding an ocean wave.  More like taking on a tsunami.  

I´m so close, so…close.  I´m pretty sure I see a few stars when I finally slip over the edge.  I know I call out his name, and I can hear him calling mine.  His whole body is so taut it is nearly vibrating as warm spunk coats my hand.  

I managed to catch myself with one hand.  Don´t want to just collapse on him. I lean in a little so I´m sharing his breath, catching it as he exhales, giving it back to him when he inhales.  When he opens his eyes, I feel like I´m drowning.   

He lifts his head enough to kiss me.  This one is gentle, soft.  It is so different from our earlier desperation and hunger, but no less powerful for all that.  

He slowly unwraps his legs from around me, letting me slip free even though I´m not really ready yet to lose that intimate connection.  He sighs, muscles flexing in his legs as he stretches, toes curling and uncurling with a faint popping sound.  He grins.  

I open my mouth to say something, but he´s lifting my spunk covered hand to his mouth.  My breath catches as he starts using his tongue to clean my fingers.  I have to close my eyes when he sucks my fingers into his mouth.  God.  He really could tempt a saint.

"You wanna take a shower?"  He kisses the pads of my fingers before releasing my hand.  

I´m half afraid I´ll fall on my face trying to stand, but I´m not saying no to that invitation.  I lever myself up and offer him a hand.  He doesn´t really need my help, but I love that he takes my hand anyway.  He comes to his feet with an easy grace I can´t help but admire.  I pull him in for another kiss, just enjoying this moment of closeness.  

When I release his mouth he hugs me, head resting on my shoulder.  The soft sigh he releases is warm against my skin.  I could stay like this forever, but I don´t resist when he pulls away.  

I follow him into the bathroom.  Not ashamed to admit I´m admiring the view.  Tony has got the most beautiful ass.  And the way his broad shoulders narrow to his waist set it off real well.  I stroke his ass fondly, earning me a heated glance over his shoulder.  

"You missed me?"

"I did."  More than I could ever put into words. He smiles, turning his face away, but not before I get a glimpse of that little bit of color in his cheeks.  

He turns on the water.  Tony usually sets the water for hotter than I really like, but I don´t complain about it.  I follow him in, enjoying the bit of sting from the pulsing showerhead.  He must have changed the setting.  Ducky said muscle soreness would be part of his recovery, so I´m guessing that´s the reason for the pulsating massage selection.

He reaches up to change it, but I stop him.  "Feels good."  It will do wonders to get rid of the last bit of tension and stiffness I can still feel.  "Leave it."

"Okay."  

Even when we aren´t doing anything but getting clean showering with him just feels so damn good.  Like being able to put my hands anywhere, like the way he responds to my touch…soft sighs, muscles relaxing, eyes at half mast.

I never thought I´d ever say this, but the best part is him washing my hair.  Hell, no one has washed my hair since I was a kid.  Not even my barber.  Marine barbers just buzz it off; no fuss, no muss.  But Tony takes his time, fingers massaging down from my head to my neck, working the shoulders.

I moan when he finds a knot.  He works it loose and I hang my head a bit, letting the drumbeat of the water relax me even further.  I think he might have missed his calling.  Tony could make a killing as a masseuse.  In a way I´m damn glad he doesn´t do it for a living.  Not sure I could handle him touching anyone else like this.  

"Better?" He asks.

"Much."  I turn to give him a kiss.  

I yawn when we pull apart.  He smiles at me, one hand cupping my face.  "C´mon.  I think I can hear the bed calling your name."

I roll my eyes.  "I´m not—" Another yawn interrupts me.  

"Right."  Tony chuckles.  "Humor me."

"You going to join me?"  I hope to god I don´t sound as plaintive as I think I do.  

"Planned on it."  Tony gives me a quick kiss on the forehead.  He reaches around me and turns the water off.  Even though it´s too hot for my taste I miss the heat almost immediately.  

Tony hands me a large fluffy towel before taking another for himself.  I keep telling myself one of these days I´m going to buy towels like these.  Not that I really have to.  Tony brought a few of his to my place for when he stays there.  I admit, I bought the heated towel rack.  Might well be one of the best damn things I´ve ever splurged on.

When we head back into the bedroom, I turn down the blankets and he puts out the candles.  I pull him close when he slides in next to me.  He pillows his head on my shoulder, one arm and a leg draped over me.  I am content for the first time in days.  I know it´s silly, but I missed the weight of him.  

I nuzzle his slightly damp hair, enjoying the feel of it against my face as I breathe in the fragrance of his shampoo.  I still have no idea what the scent is exactly…it´s more of a blend.  There is something of a musk, sandalwood, and possibly a mint of some kind.  

The only label on the bottle said it came from some place called ‘Bubbles´.  So far I haven´t been able to find out where Bubbles is, but I´m still looking.  I´d like to be able to get Tony more of it.  Something for his birthday maybe.

My reverie and near sleep is interrupted when he coughs.  It´s not the hoarse, grating one he had.  This doesn´t steal his breath or last very long, but I tense just the same.

"Thought you said you were better?"

He raises his head, eyes searching mine in the darkness.  "I am better."

I recognize the look on his face and the tone. He´s not going to back down.  I raise a hand to cup his face, my thumb caressing his cheekbone.  "You sure?"

"I´m sure."  He leans into my touch.

I take a deep breath.  "You´re coming in on Monday then?"

"Yeah."

Even though I´d rather he take another week, I´m not going to argue about it.  Just being a way from him for four days was torture.  Not sure I could stand any more time a part.  And even though he hasn´t said so outright, being home alone is driving him nuts.  Tony needs people.  Needs that interaction.  I´m not going to deny him, even thought I´m still not sure about his coming back so soon.

"Don´t expect me to be happy about it."

He grins.  "I know better."

"And I´m probably going to be reminding you for a few days that you still have another week you can use."

"Duly noted."  He turns his head to place a kiss in my palm.  

He lays his head on my shoulder again, and I pull him in closer to me.  "Don´t do anything dangerous for at least a week…okay?"

"Copy that."  

I know he´ll do his best.  Hell it wasn´t like any of us expected opening a letter to be lethal.  I´ll just have to be on my guard a little more, that´s all.  I won´t let anything happen to him.  He should be safe enough at his desk.  No protocols, extra security measures should see to that.

"Don´t leave me at the office, tied to my desk."  Tony sighs.  "I´ve been staring at enough walls, Boss."

I try not to be surprised by how well he knows what I´m thinking.  I purse my lips and fight down my instinctive response.  I know I can´t wrap him in cotton and locked away where I can protect him.

I have to treat him as the capable man he is.  Treating him as anything less could endanger our relationship.  I don´t want him to hate me or resent me or, God forbid, see me as anything like his family, I can´t risk that.  

"No desk," I agree reluctantly.

"Thanks." He settles in more deeply against me.

"You know, most people would not be grateful for getting a chance to risk their lives."

Tony laughs, a soft huff of sound that I feel more than hear. "Most people are idiots."

I can´t help laughing at that.  I hug him. "You are one of a kind."

"So are you."

"Go to sleep." I plant a kiss in his hair.

"Night, Jethro."

"Good night, Tony."

I lay still and wait for him to fall asleep.  I can feel his heartbeat and take comfort in the steady cadence.  There is still a faint hitch in his breathing but it´s not as bad as it once was.

I let the calm that seems to envelope him when he sleeps wash over me.  I´m looking forward to the best night´s sleep I´ve had in days.   It will be good to be back to normal.  Or at least what qualifies as normal for me, for us.  

I´m not sure his coming back to work so soon is a good thing.  But I am sure our being together is the best thing that´s ever happened to me.  So for once in my life I´m going to just try and be grateful for what I´ve got, and not worry about tomorrow.  I´ll do my best to keep him safe, and hope like hell my best is good enough.  It will have to be.

Katherine's NCIS Story Page