Magnificent Seven Challenge January Challenge 05: the euphemism challenge. Write a story in which euphemisms figure prominently....Open the story with one or end it with one, sprinkle them liberally through the story if you like, just be sure to incorporate at least one in it somewhere. Bonus points if all the boys manage to use one. Extra bonus points (hey they are worth a lot people) if you successfully incorporate a euphemism I haven't heard before. :-)
Rainy Day
Old West
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Ezra neatly placed the Queen of Spades on the King of Diamonds, thoughtfully studying his cards before once more fanning them for another round of play. Solitaire was far from exciting, but at the moment, it was the only came to be had. Ezra glanced up when he heard the door open, a cold gust of humid air following as Vin stepped through, dripping copious amounts of water on the already damp floor.
Ezra raised an eyebrow, surprised anyone had bothered to brave the storm that had thus far lasted two days. He shrugged one shoulder. Staying in Vin’s wagon in this weather wouldn’t be terribly comfortable. “Expect that dilapidated structure leaks like a sieve.” He murmured quietly to himself, as he once more focused his attention on his cards.
“I gather the weather is still inclement, Mr. Tanner.” Ezra drawled, glancing up when Vin pulled out a chair to join him, after hanging his sodden hat and coat on a chair from the neighboring table.
Vin grimaced. “If by inclement you mean it’s still rainin’ like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock, then yeah, it’s still inclement.”
Ezra arched an eyebrow. “And you braved this tumultuous downpour because—"
"Canvas is soaked. Startin’ ta leak.”
Ezra nodded sagely. Vin settled himself into his chair, casually reaching to help himself to the bottle of whiskey that was sitting on the table. The gambler nonchalantly handed him a shot glass.
He’d had the foresight to always have more than one at his table. His aunt Matilda, in his mind a wonderful woman, if not what Maude would call a grand lady, said it paid to be prepared for whenever company might drop in unexpectedly. Ezra could still hear the colorful old woman saying, “People pop up like daisies in the spring and are usually just about as welcome as a tooth ache, but good manners means you make nice even though you’d rather see more of their back than their front.”
Vin poured himself a shot, giving Ezra a small smile. “Thanks, Ez.”
Ezra tipped his head in acknowledgement. His attention was once more drawn to the door when Buck entered a moment later, looking even more wet than Vin had. Ezra was grateful the big man shook himself like a wet dog while he was near the entrance rather than adjacent to where they were seated. He was idly impressed with the spray range Buck managed to achieve.
“Buck.” Vin greeted him as the lanky, mustached man took up a seat across the table from him.
“Mr. Wilmington, a pleasure to see you out and about.” Ezra handed him a shot glass, as well as taking the bottle from Vin to give to Buck.
“Thanks, Ez.” Buck filled his class. “Telling you boys, it’s a regular toad strangler out there.”
Ezra opted not to comment on Buck’s dead toads any more than he had on Vin’s pissing cows. He found himself thinking Matilda would have loved both expressions. She was the antithesis of his mother…down to earth, plain spoken and the sort who energetically threw herself into life with a fearless gusto he’d always admired.
Ezra neatly stroked the face of the Queen of Clubs he’d turned over, silently sending a short prayer on her behalf heavenward. He’d forgotten how much he’d liked the old girl. The year he’d spent in her company had been one of the best of his life. Even when she was dying, or as she’d put it, “about to take me one long dirt nap”, she’d always managed to make him smile, to give him a sense of the absurd and irrelevant, paradoxically emphasizing what was really significant in life.
Ezra turned his attention back to his cards, gathering them up to shuffle, motions neat and crisp. “A game, gentlemen?”
“Might as well.” Vin glanced toward the window. “Don’t think I’ll be headin’ out any time soon.”
“Me either.” Buck sighed. “Gonna have to grow gills this keeps up much longer.”
“Reckons it’ll be okay ta just sit tight unless we see the animals lining up two by two.”
Ezra chuckled as he dealt out the cards. “And there is no one in this town I’d commission to build an ark.”
Buck blinked. “Not even Josiah?”
“Ain’t getting on no damn boat that he built that’s for sure.” Vin snorted. “He’s got gaps in the church roof that are spread wider than a willin’ whore’s legs.”
Buck snickered, slapping his thigh. “Better not let him hear you say that."
Vin rolled his eyes. "Not like I really planned on sayin' that to him."
The door opened again. Ezra wasn't overly surprised to see JD walk in, looking like a drowned rat. The young sheriff wrestled briefly with the door as a wind gust tried to pull it back open. Ezra was glad Inez had the good judgement to keep the storm doors up well into the summer. The batwings would have made the saloon decidedly uncomfortable in this weather. The little potbellied stove was doing it’s best to take the damp and the chill out of the air, but it wasn’t having a lot of success. Ezra as glad he was wearing his heavier royal blue wool jacket.
JD took off his slicker, hanging it on the rack near the door before joining them. Ezra didn't bother to offer the younger man a drink, gesturing instead to the bartender, Joe Watts. Joe wasn't particularly smart in Ezra's opinion...he actually considered him to be just about as sharp as a marble, but he was a capable enough stand in for Inez who had taken the day off.
Joe brought over a glass of milk for JD. He bobbed his head slightly to everyone else at the table before he headed back to the bar. Ezra made a note to make sure Joe remembered to take his pay with him before he left for the day. He was so delighted to be trusted with the responsibility of tending to the saloon, the young man some times forgot he was getting paid to be there.
"How are our miscreants today, Mr. Dunne?" They'd arrested two cowboys last night for being drunk and disorderly, something that would ordinarily have gone unremarked upon if they hadn't been standing in main street, stark naked and singing in the rain at the top of their lungs.
"Still three sheets to the wind." JD frowned. "One of them is puking like a poisoned pup. Already had to empty the bucket twice." JD looked disgusted, dark eyes readily expressing his dissatisfaction with both the task and the prisoner in question. He smiled a little maliciously. "Figured a little fresh air wouldn't hurt, so I left the door open when I decided to come here."
“Perhaps the chill will aid them in coming to their senses.” Ezra commented, sipping his drink.
Buck laughed. “Hell, Ezra, for that to happen they’d have to have some sense to start with.”
“Sure didn’t know enough ta come in out o’ the rain.” Vin pointed out with a quick grin.
“Good point.” Ezra nodded, gold premolar glinting briefly as he smiled.
The door opened yet again, this time to admit Chris. Ezra was impressed that the man managed to keep his cigar lit. Getting anything to burn in this weather was decidedly difficult; like trying to herd cats Matilda would have said.
Chris sauntered over to join them, spurs jingling faintly. Ezra poured a shot into one of the waiting glasses, offering it to the dark clad gunslinger as he sat down. Chris took it, giving the gambler a slight nod of thanks as he sat down next to Vin.
“Damn nice day.” Chris commented as he took of his soaked hat to run a hand through equally wet blond hair. “If you were a duck.”
“You just out for an afternoon stroll, Cowboy?” Vin asked quietly, eyes betraying his amusement.
“Went to check on Sable.” Chris horse had thrown a shoe three days ago and come up lame not long after.
“And how is your steed?” Ezra had neatly gathered the cards he’d dealt. He started to shuffle prepared to re-deal so as to include Chris and JD in the game.
“Still waiting to be reshod.” Chris ground out, clearly not happy. “That kid Yosemite’s got working for him is just about as useful as tits on a boar.”
Yosemite had gone to Eagle Bend, to visit family and had not yet returned, leaving the stable and smithy in care of Jacob Weaver, a nephew. Although good with animals, Jacob was definitely not the same caliber of blacksmith as his uncle. Given how particular Chris was with regards to his horse, Ezra could well understand Jacob’s reluctance to undertake the task.
“Now Big Dog you know you want the job done right.” Buck pointed out. “No point in having Jake do it if you’re just going to make Yosemite do it again.”
“Hate riding that mule headed hack.” Chris ground out. The replacement mount he’d been using was not quite the caliber of Sable.
“Doubt you’ll be ridin’ him much ‘til the weather improves.” Vin pointed out, pouring himself another shot. He sighed when he realized the bottle was empty. He leaned back in his chair, balancing it precariously on two legs, tilting his head so he could see Joe.
“Joe.” He called out getting the bartender’s attention. “Got me a dead soldier here, can ya send another up ta the front?”
Joe frowned, clearly not understanding until Vin held up the empty bottle. He smiled brightly as he got what Vin was saying. “Sure thing.”
Vin nodded, returning his seat once more to all four feet. “Not the sharpest knife in the drawer that one.”
“Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the bottom.” Buck agreed with a wry smile. “But he means well.”
A gust of wind made its way through the room, sucking out what little warmth the stove had managed to generate when the door opened again. Josiah clung to the door, preventing the wind from slapping it against the wall. It took both of them to wrestle it closed.
Ezra sighed softly, mentally adding another tally mark to the running bet he kept with himself. He thought at least one of his compatriots would have shown some sense and said safely tucked away in their own humble abodes. Although, given Vin’s all too accurate assessment of the soundness of the church roof, Josiah’s appearance was hardly a surprise.
Ezra gestured to the remaining two glasses. “If you’d be so kind as to pass those down.”
JD lightly pushed them in Josiah and Nathan’s direction. The taller men both nodding their thanks as Vin reached over to fill their glasses from the fresh bottle Joe had supplied. Vin tossed Joe a silver half dollar, paying for the bottle. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Mr. Tanner.” Joe smiled as he neatly caught the coin and headed back to the bar.
"Brothers." Josiah's bass voice rumbled a quiet greeting.
Nathan sipped hid drink, eying all of them. "Don't you boys have better sense than to be out in his weather?"
Ezra arched an eyebrow. "Hello, Pot." He waved hand to encompass the other still dripping, sodden members. "Meet, the Kettles."
Nathan rolled his eyes. "I had good reason to be out."
"Oh yeah?" JD challenged. "Like what?"
"Carrie Willis fell and broke her arm this morning." Nathan shook his head. "Swear that girl is accident prone. She could trip over air."
“Just about as graceful as a wounded duck.” Josiah commented sadly. “Poor child.”
“She going to be okay?” JD asked.
Nathan nodded. “Should be. Was a clean break.”
“Her father was a bit upset.” Josiah tossed out, _expression reflective as he sipped his drink.
“Upset?” Nathan snorted. “Man was mad enough to chew nails and spit tacks.”
“Why?” Chris asked beating Ezra to it.
“Carrie fell chasing after the cows.” Nathan scowled. “Her older brother, the stupid shit, had forgotten to latch the gate and let them out.”
“Mr. Willis warmed the boy’s ass?” Buck smirked.
“No.” Josiah shook his head. “That would have been his mother who did that.” The big man pursed lips as he studied his drink. “I think the boy will prefer to stand for the next few days.”
“Damn.” Vin winced sympathetically. “That woman is tough. She could go bear huntin’ with a switch.”
Ezra had to agree. Mrs. Willis wasn’t someone to be messed with. He gently tapped the cards against the table. “A game gentlemen? Something to pass the time while we wait for Mother Nature to finish expending her foul humor?”
“Might as well.” Chris puffed on his cigar. “Don’t plan to go anywhere until I dry off a bit.”
“Should think so.” Nathan gave them all a hard look. “You’ll catch your death out there.”
"Oh, quit your fussing, Nate.” Buck dismissed his concern with the wave of one hand. “We’re all big boys. Can take care of ourselves.”
Nathan snorted. “Sure you can.”
Ezra bit the inside of his cheek to keep from commenting. He doubted the veracity of either claim. They wouldn’t die in some damn rain storm, of that he was certain. Somehow he simply couldn’t picture any of them as succumbing to Mother Nature unless she expended far more fury. And they only way any of them stood a chance of taking care of themselves was if they took care of each other. Not that Ezra would ever admit that out loud. He was very confident the others already knew that anyway. There was no other reason for them to all gravitate to this place otherwise.
“Five card stud, jokers wild.” He grinned, dimples appearing. Chris was right…it was a good day. A damn good day.