Dear Santa,

Hey! What's going on up at the North Pole? How 'bout them Penguins? Ha ha ha ha ha-- Penguins! Get it? Pittsburgh Penguins? It's a joke. See, they play hockey, and they're called the Penguins...

Okay, enough small talk. We all know that I've been incredibly good this year, saving all those orphans from that burning insane asylum while single-handedly preventing with the power of my own mind the most deadly earthquake ever to strike the Midwest and whatnot. I don't like to brag, of course, but I think I can honestly say, without a drop of insincerity, that I am the most benevolent person on Earth right now, except maybe... no, it's definitely me. And I'm so modest, too. And, I have connections with the Smart Card family (including Mrs. Smart Card and little Jackson Smart Card) and Beaver Cleaver. So I highly recommend you deliver the following things to me pronto tonto:

1. Spring semester classes with interesting reading. Let me tell you, I will go insane and aim a thermonuclear weapon your way if I have one more class featuring books about the lives of carpenters and dairymaids in the sixteenth century. Give me something with action, something with drama-- preferably, something with booger jokes, too. I like booger jokes.

2. Some snow. Let's get a grip on reality, here, Santa-- Christmas ain't Christmas without snow. It's been a few years, and I'm getting sick of this. As a supernatural being, I'm assuming you must run into Jack Frost at the Supernatural Being Supermarket from time to time-- lean on him a little. I bet you've got some juicy info about him and Mother Nature that he's just itching to keep quiet.

3. A date with Paul McCartney. Okay, that's a little gross, seeing as how he's five hundred thousand years old. But I swear on all that is holy that I would probably wet my pants if he even spit in my hair, let alone took me out. So, on second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea.

4. Socks. (My mom will kill me if I don't ask for something practical.)

5. The power to absorb the contents of a book simply by touching its cover. Think of the wealth of knowledge I could acquire! Oh, and give me the power to see sexy men in thongs whenever I want. If I can't have both... go with the thong one.

6. A television station that plays nothing but "World's Strongest Man" reruns. I've fallen dangerously far behind in my viewing, and I need to be kept abreast of these things. Besides, I'll kill myself if Magnus Ver Magnusson doesn't win!

7. My own monkey, which I intend to train to take lecture notes, retrieve any socks that fall behind the dryer (does that happen to you at all, or am I just that clumsy?), and to attack any and all people I encounter who catch me doing something stupid (which will be just about everyone on campus, so I warn you...)

8. And of course, peace on earth, good will towards man, and all that good stuff.

Please be generous in your giving, Mr. Claus; after all, ever since I was wounded in that drive-by when I threw myself in front of that eighty year old deaf woman with one leg, I haven't been able to do much work for myself. Oh, and please be good to my friends, who have to put up with me. You only have to deal with me once a year-- they're there for me every day!

Until next year, Kim.