Nobody Asked Me, But…

Week 6

Recently, people have been coming to me to tell me how boring they think the "Collegian" is.

I’m not really sure why this is. It used to be that people only came to me to tell me of my grossly incompetent copy editing errors, such as the time last year that I allowed a quote to run that said that the baseball team was "playing and sinning and having the time of their lives."

This mistake, I might add, made it past me only because I was on heavy psychotropic drugs to combat the mind-dulling pain caused by the amputation of my left leg after a horrific accident when I tried to rescue a prominent local figure—okay, a Fantasyland stripper—from an oncoming train. My copy editing skills are much butter know.

(Much butter know, eh? Get it? It’s a joke! Ha ha! Please don’t write in to point out these errors, or I will take you down.)

So anyway, I’m getting a lot of this:

"Hey, Kim, why does the ‘Collegian’ [do the opposite of blow?] (This is a family newspaper, you know.)"

And my answer to that question is that we have absolutely nothing to do with it. As reporters, we are honor bound only to chronicle the news in an unbiased and timely fashion, and make the Safety Services report as funny as possible without actually lying.

The real reason you may find the "Collegian" boring is because no one is doing anything.

That’s right. There’s no one having sex in the stairwells or… uh… you know, getting in touch with himself in the library. (Not that there’s anything wrong with these activities! Oh, no! If you’re one to engage in them, carry on, I say! Just clean up before someone slips and falls in your, you know, wake.)

Therefore, I say to you naysayers who claim the "Collegian" is boring this year "go out and raiseth some Hell!"

Now, I realize it may be difficult for people to come up with their own fresh, funky-jam brand of rabblerousing. "Sure, sex in the stairwells would be fun," they say. "But it’s so 1997. And I don’t want to do anything that may cause me to go blind. What can I do?"

So, to make things easier for everyone, I have included a handy-dandy list of things I would love to see make it into the "Collegian:"

1. Make all the eagles around campus anatomically correct.
2. Do the old "goldfish in the fountain" routine. But instead of goldfish, angry rabid monkeys in tuxedos!
3. Replace all expensive artwork with crafts culled from the local retirement home. See if anyone notices.
4. Find out what the "G." in "G. William Benz" stands for. It’s not really too anarchic, but I just really, really want to know. I mean, really bad. I’m guessing it’s Guadalupe.
5. Forget sweatpants! Come to class in an outfit composed entirely of fallen leaves. Held together by big, nasty slugs!
6. Set fire to the Gill Center. No one really uses it anyway, right? [Note: I do not condone the burning of the Gill Center, which I’m sure is an oft-visited on-campus establishment. People must just go in there at night, when no one sees them. Therefore, all people who go to the Gill Center are vampires.]

[Note: I do not believe this, either. Please do not visit me as I sleep, dark knights!]

7. Declare your room as an embassy to a wet campus. Operate under the rules of that campus. When caught, claim immunity.

If you have a problem with the level of interest in the "Collegian" from week to week, make your voice heard! And by make your voice heard, I mean do stupid things and get caught!