Nobody Asked Me, But…

Week 5

Toothpaste for the discriminating tongue

Recently, I began shopping at Drug Mart. I’m not really sure why this is; I think it might have something to do with a laziness so intense that even an extra two minutes sitting on my ass in the car to get to Wal-Mart seems like too much work. But I prefer to think it is because I am a discriminating shopper who truly appreciates the fineries that Drug Mart has to offer, such as Mega Warheads Sour Toothpaste.

For those of you unacquainted with the world of toothpaste (you know, the ones who rub their teeth with shale to get the grime off while watching—and enjoying—professional rodeos), I can tell you it is a relatively dull arena. There are about eighteen hundred thousand million different types of toothpaste, all of which taste like mint, which is to say they taste like butt. Not that I have ever tasted butt, but you know, I assume it would have to have that minty tingle to it.

Now, I have been brushing my teeth for a long, long time. At least, oh, five years. And I have never come across a toothpaste that has made me say "my God! My dentist was right! Brushing your teeth can be fun and exciting!" There are some that make me think, "ho-hum. This is a bit better than having my leg gnawed off by angry rhinos," but I never get that special zing.

So you can’t imagine the fire lit beneath my proverbial dental loins when I saw the Mega Warheads Sour Toothpaste display in the first aisle of Drug Mart’s Walk O’ Toiletries. I don’t know exactly what drew me to it—the fact that the tube featured a picture of a man with his head exploding into a funnel cloud, presumably because he was so excited by the prospect of a sour toothpaste that he couldn’t handle it, or the small print below it that said "It’s a toothpaste! Not a candy!"—but I knew then and there that I had to have it.

So I forked over my $1.99 and ran home, giddy with the prospect of brushing my teeth.

Standing by with a glass of water, as the tube also warns that the toothpaste is "so sour your gums will tingle! RINSE WELL!", I braced myself for the turn of the key that would allow me to enter the fantastic realm of mint-free brushing.

I can’t describe the sensation—sort of a mix between getting a full body massage and allowing Mr. T to pummel you into a senseless slab of meat—but by the time it was all over I couldn’t believe I had existed this long without Mega Warheads Sour Toothpaste.

I don’t know if it was the fact that I was so zealously enthralled in my brushing that I couldn’t stop, or the fact that the paste is 95 percent hydrochloric acid, but my teeth were whiter than they had ever been before, after just one brushing. One unexpected side effect was that the paste also inexplicably removed the first layer of skin from my tongue, which was a not altogether unpleasant experience. Well, okay, yes, it kind of was. But it’s a very small price to pay.

I implore you, for the good of your teeth, your health, and your country, to rush to Drug Mart today and pick yourself up some Mega Warheads Sour Toothpaste. Your mouth will thank you, after your tongue finishes peeling.