Fanfare! Trumpets! Brightly colored party lights that make everyone look all orange and sickly! Kim Shable is sponsoring a contest!
 
    Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the first (and perhaps last) ever Write Kim’s Column For A Week, See Your Name In Print and Get A Bag of Cookies Contest Extravaganza!
 I’m sure, as red-blooded American college students, that you all realize the immense pressure that is put upon us by The Man to do well in school, succeed in the business world, and, of course, immolate ourselves to the uncaring god of bourgeois wealth using sticks and flaming scepters, and sometimes a rabid pig.
 
    Also, we need at least some time to reflect on our lives, catch up on much needed sleep, and eat circus peanuts. You know, those fluffy orange marshmallowy things that turn the inside of your mouth to glue and make you want to projectile vomit for three weeks, but that just taste so good? Mmm, circus peanuts…
 
    So at any rate, between school work and extracurriculars, I have just enough time to sit on my floor and cry about how busy I am, and occasionally to bathe, which means that my column is often put on the back burner. Although my sparkling wit and keen intelligence (read: idiotic sense of humor) often help me come up with amusing and entertaining topics (read: "Hey! Wouldn’t it be funny if I wrote a whole column on how the if the census is so great, why can’t we use it to bring World Championship Wrestling to AU?" Which was supposed to be my actual topic this week), I occasionally run out of ideas and am forced to compromise my integrity with long and rambling sentences such as this one.
 
    The point is, writing a column every week is a rewarding but arduous task—one that does not afford many breaks.
 
    This is where you come in.
 
    I would like to invite all of you, the faculty, staff, and student body of Ashland University, to participate in the Write Kim’s Column For A Week, See Your Name In Print and Get A Bag of Cookies Contest Extravaganza.

    Have you ever wanted to write a column for The Collegian? Do you like mocking yourself in front of thousands of people? Are you unafraid to discuss your love for pro wrestling and your fascination with your boobs in public?
 
    If so, then we are probably soul mates, and if you are a good looking boy you should propose to me immediately. Unfortunately, however, these are not criteria for the contest.
 
    The rules are simple:

    1.  Write a humorous column of 500-700 words that you would like to see run in The Collegian. THE DEADLINE FOR THIS IS NO LATER THAN TEN P.M., MONDAY APRIL 17. Sorry for the short notice. But being a columnist is all about the deadline, not the Benjamins, as you may have suspected.

    2.  Your column will be assessed for humor, intelligence, and pretty fonts by a crack team consisting of me, my friend Kelly, my mom, and perhaps Ric Flair, if he’s available.

    3.  The winner will have his or her work published in my space one week from today as a guest columnist, and also win a bag of Peppridge Farm cookies of his or her choice. Because let’s face it: if someone gave me a bag of cookies every time I wrote a column, I would be cranking them out like nobody’s business.

    So don’t delay, send submissions to me, Kimberly Shable, box 678 (or you can e-mail them to [email protected]) today. Your future as a wise-cracking, curly haired spitfire of humor could begin as early as next week (note: curly hair optional. But preferred.)