Week 21
Rush KIM or die
As many of you probably know, this week is Greek Week at AU, a time for fun and games, service and siblinghood, and the chance to rub in the faces of all those who were too terminally uncool to join a Greek organization the fact that you are having fun while they are sitting at home with their ant farms and weeping dejectedly about their decided dweebifaction.
Of course, there are a great many people on this campus who purport not to be interested in Greek affairs, and they are probably telling the truth, even though deep down they really want to be paddled and made to eat live fish and whatnot, because man, who doesn’t?
Although this may come to a surprise to some people, particularly those who have ever met me and heard how loud I can belch, I have always been secretly enamored with the idea of being in a sorority, because 1) I have always lacked the unswerving sisterly bond that is achieved through sorority membership, and 2) then boys in the fraternities would have to date me.
This last part is very important.
However, I am not what one would consider sorority material for several reasons, most of which are very metaphysical and on the outermost realm of modern human thought. But, in order to spare my readers’ minds from the taxing and mindbending ramifications of this quandary, I’ll just say that the main reasons I am unfit for sorority membership is that I don’t have enough dress-up clothes and I’m not a good mingler.
As a college freshman, my wardrobe consisted almost entirely of two pairs of jeans and eight hundred thousand T-shirts with cartoon characters on them. Fortunately, I have matured, and even purchased several shirts with buttons down the front. Apparently, I also own a pair of booty pants, as was pointed out to me by R.S. Ross the other day, although I was completely unaware that Sears sold such risqué things. But I am still lacking in the formalwear department.
And from what I gather, there is a great deal of mingling involved in obtaining a sorority bid, and, although my sparkling wit and vivacious personality shines on paper, I’m pretty much a social reject in large groups, particularly when those groups consist entirely of girls at least 30% cuter than me in nice clothes.
Pretty Sorority Girl: So, Kim. Tell me a little about yourself.
Me: Uh… I got these two cats. They’re cute. Please let me be in your sorority, I want to be socially acceptable!
PSG: Excuse me. I think my… uh… innards are on fire.
Me: I got some Tums…
However, I am not one to sit idly by and allow Greek Week to pass without acknowledging us, the unincorporated few.
And so, from the creator of the I’m Just Here To Get My Picture In The Yearbook Club, I present Ashland University’s newest sorority, Kappa Iota Mu.
Kappa Iota Mu, or KIM, has all the benefits of sorority membership with none of the hassle. Dress-up day? Gone. Bid grubbing? Gone. Although prospective members would be required to sumo wrestle each other to prove their worthiness.
And best of all, membership in KIM would be absolutely free, as all dues would be raised through our fund-raiser, the Most Wanted (NAKED) Man Calendar, the models for which would be hand-chosen by me, Kimberly Melissa Shable, president and founder of KIM.
So ladies, join KIM, and your life will be good and your sweat will start to smell like roses and you’ll never get a hangnail again. And gents, if you’re interested in posing for our calendar, feel free to send some snapshots to me, Kimberly Melissa Shable, box 678.