Southpaws: Dirty Communist Sympathizers

We all know where Mr. Kubiak stands on homosexuality and its morality. However, I feel that he is wasting his time in pursuing this harmless foe, when we all know that the real enemy among us is the southpaws. Why debate this morality or immorality of this subject when left-handed people are overrunning our country, spoiling our heritage, and debauching
our children?

According to the American Heritage College Dictionary, the word left originated from a middle English word meaning "weak, useless." And the definition of left-handed includes awkward, maladroit and of doubtful sincerity; dubious. How can we trust these people, of whom even the kind and trustworthy dictionary speaks so poorly, with our children, pets, and elderly loved ones? First theyll be all awkward and knock over all our fine china, and then they’ll tell us that our hair looks good when it actually looks like dog poo.

And have you ever eaten with a left-handed person? They’re all elbows and nudging, an obvious attempt to throw their left-handedness in our faces. Each time they bump you, they’re practically screaming "we’re deft! We’re cleft! We sign our name with our left… hands." (They cant even think up clever chants. How lame is that?)

Sure, they claim they’re only bumping us because that’s the hand they hold their forks in, but we all know differently. They’re out to bruise our right hands and arms so badly that we are unable to work, allowing them to come to power and wreak their terrible left-handed havoc over us all.

And they think they’re so great with their left-handed scissors and desks. Like the world owes them such luxuries! Stop being wussies and turn the scissors upside-down, that’s what I say. What’s next, left-handed Gucci dresses? Gold plated sports cars? Where will the madness end?

And besides, the word right itself is a beautiful, natural thing. How would you feel if you were exercising your inalienable lefts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? It just doesnt have the same ring to it. Left, meanwhile, indicates that someone has parted from someone else, as in "that no-good left-handed scum left his wife with some floozy he met while playing left field." Therefore, all left-handed people are adulterous scum.

All I know is, Jesus sits at the right hand of God. Who sits on the left? Some bozo, Im sure, probably a left-hander who elbowed and tripped his way up to the front. Or else the holy ghost, Im not really sure. If thats the case, then disregard and forgive me. And if God made us in His image, and ninety percent of us are right-handed, then that other ten percent is pure evil, almost as bad as Jerry Springer, who is probably left-handed.

Also, left = Communism. Enough said.

Now, it may come to a shock to many of you that I myself am left-handed. But I am willing to renounce my evil, immoral, and very wrong ways. I have left the left to be right with the rights. Although I was once a proud lefty, I now realize, with the help of this totally flawed logic and incredible presumptions, that I am one hundred percent pure unadulterated evil, and must be stopped.