With the now-ancient history of the 1900s behind us, Americans are beginning to work toward The Future, a cosmic utopia complete with sassy but lovable robot maids, flying cars, and Celine Dion in retirement. Unfortunately, all we have right now are approximately eight hundred thousand "best of the millennium" lists.

Thanks to ever diligent experts with next to nothing to do, we know the person of the century (Albert Einstein), the song of the century ("Satisfaction"), the vegetable of the century (kumquat, in an amazing victory over the carrot), and, of course, the undergarment of the century (those underpants with the tummy-smoother built in.)

All of these lists are now, of course, obsolete, except for those people who firmly believe that the next millennium doesn’t start until 2001, and who, although they are right, need to be taken outside and beaten soundly. So, without further adieu, I would like to be the first to release the most current, up-to-date, and comprehensive list of the five greatest events ever to happen in the 21^st century.

1. I got a new hairstyle.

This may not sound like much, but believe me, it will probably make best-of lists all the way into late July of 2000. As you can see by my current picture, I have sported, for the last 20 years or so, what is probably the lamest hairstyle ever, leaving me open to such ridicule as "what gorilla did you have to shave to get that wig?" and "Richard Simmons called. He wants his hair back."

But now, thanks to the good people at L’Oreal, I am the proud owner of a current, somewhat socially acceptable hairdo which is getting rave reviews, except from my dad, who I think just wants me to shave my head and wear hats all the time.

1. Eric Molnar appeared on TV’s "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

This was especially hard for me to take, seeing as how it has always been my lifelong goal to appear on this show, and he beat me to it, so now that when I do get to go on the show, Regis will be like "so, Kim, you go to Ashland University. Do you know Eric? How’s he doing? Did he get the fruitcake I sent him?"

And then I’d probably get all flustered and go out on the first question, even if it was something simple like "What is your last name?"

1. I turned 21.

Not that I am self-promotional or anything (presents are always welcome, and can be sent to box 678), but I have waited approximately eight hundred years to turn 21, because almost all of my friends turned 21 two years ago, leaving me sipping Coke and feeling like the biggest baby in the world while everyone got rip-roaring drunk and did fun, exciting grown-up things like throw up in their hair and pretending to be a potato bug on the bar floor.

I, of course, spent my birthday contemplating the universe and its parameters while enjoying a single glass of brandy. At least, that’s the official story.

1. [Due to a Y2K computer glitch, there is no number 2. Sorry.]

This is, for me, anyway, and probably for most other red-blooded Americans, the greatest thing that could happen in this or any other millennium.

Unfortunately, it means I’m going to have to relocate to North Carolina, so that I may be of greater service to my political party and work on the Flair campaign, perhaps as a sloganeer. I am personally partial to "Vote for Ric Flair or he’ll slap you across the chest really hard and go ‘Wooo!’" It’s a little lengthy, but I think it gets the message through.

So there you have it—the five greatest events ever to occur thus far in the first 34 days of the new millennium. And I would be so bold as to state that all of them will remain on the list until the next millennium. Or until I get on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Which ever comes first.