I've been at this column thing for about a month now, and I've been getting some pretty good feedback on it (except from Mr. Gary Likowski, who demands every week that I put his name in it. Happy now?) People liked it; I was happy; everything was A-OK. But this weekend, a friend of mine (Mr. Rich Policz-- perhaps some of you remember him? Editors?) said to me: "It's a good column. But when are you going to take a stand on something?"

    What Rich doesn't realize is that I have no opinions on anything even remotely related to... well, anything.

    Anything important, anyway. Nothing too far from the ordinary. Nuclear war is wrong. Eating babies is wrong. That sort of thing. President Clinton shouldn't be engaging in sexual relationships with interns. But who thinks he should?

    Everything I have very strong opinions about, absolutely no one else cares about.

    But if Mr. Policz wants to see me take a stand, then by gum, I will!

    1. Daylight Savings Time is inherently evil, and whoever invented should be beaten to death with dull objects, or at least spat on repeatedly by Kate Winslet, a la Titanic. The blinds in my room seem only to enhance sunlight, and, what with the sun rising at four thirty in the morning now thanks to all the farmers who inexplicably have enough power in this country to change the flow of time, there is not nearly enough sleeping going on in my room.

    2. Easter, by far, has the best candy of all the major holidays, religious or otherwise. My personal favorite is Palmer's grade Z hollow chocolate bunnies with the colored-sugar eyes. Stale Peeps run a close second. The only bad thing about Easter candy is black jellybeans. And I propose we cram them all down the throat of the inventor of Daylight Savings Time.

    3. The trombone is the best musical instrument in the world, because it is the most fun to watch. Sure, tubas sound cool, but there's not nearly enough flailing of limbs involved.

    4. Dancing is the tool of Satan himself, because I can't do it.

    5. Everyone needs to play more hockey. And if they ever get a real team going, they have to let me be the goalie. Conversely, kickball needs to be outlawed, and my seventh grade gym teacher, Mr. Kenik, who forced us to play it every single day, and occasionally made us come in on the weekends to play, needs to be tried for high crimes against humanity.

    6. Richard Nixon was a great man, not because of what he did for his country (including, might I add, ending the Vietnam war and establishing detente with the USSR), and certainly not because of his involvement in Watergate, but because, after having been defeated again and again, he still managed to bounce back to become an influential and highly respected elder statesman. (Okay. So one of my opinions is actually something relevant. So shoot me.)

    7. Finally, and most importantly, Paul McCartney was not only the best of the Beatles, but is probably the greatest singer/songwriter of all time. And I will fight to the death anyone who dares dispute this. Or at least cram some black jellybeans down his throat.

    There you have it, my friends. My stand. I'm just waiting for the bales of protest letters. I'm sure there must be some disgruntled farmers out there somewhere, reading this and positively fuming. But, as Mr. Policz would say, in their hearts, they know I'm right.