 We are what you would call a �blended family�---we have �his�, �hers�, and �ours� in the children department. Our household basically consists of Kevin, me, Eden, Jordan, Joshua, & Tyler. Eden and Jordan are mine from a previous marriage, but pretty much are just like Kevin�s very own. His two children live on the mainland and unfortunately we do not see them too often. Joshua and Tyler our �ours�---and to put it mildly, they are Kevin�s little clones-his pride and joy. As much as I tried to make them �mommy�s boys�-they are totally �Daddy�s.� After we had Tyler there was discussion on whether or not we were going to have three �together�. We ultimately decided that, yes, we wanted three children of our own. This brings me to our precious angel. In July, I had come to the last of my �pill� and Tyler, who was almost 11 months was beginning to wean himself gradually, which meant the start of my �cycle�. As luck would have it, we �caught the egg� that first month and sometime around August 14 (my mom�s bday), our angel was conceived. I waited until exactly a month later, September 14 to go out and get the home pregnancy test. It was a rough week, with the September 11 and all the heartbreak that came with that. So, on Friday, while unloading groceries, I came across the �test� and ran upstairs to take it. I left it on the counter and came back down to finish putting stuff away. A while later, I went back up, walked in and clearly there were two very DARK lines staring at me!! I was ecstatic and beyond words. Yes this was pregnancy number 6 (first lost to ectopic), and it was just as exciting as the others!! I put the strip in the keepsake �heart� and put it on the bathroom mirror----this was my less than creative way to tell Kevin. That evening, he saw it and came outside where I was playing with the boys and said-�Why do you have Tyler�s pregnancy test on the mirror�. I simply said, �Honey, that is NOT Tyler�s��..and thus our journey began. I had a pretty uneventful first trimester. I had a bit of spotting, but my OB assured us this was totally normal. I had no nausea, morning sickness, I was not incredibly witchy as I was with my others, and I was relatively energetic. It was total bliss. We heard his beating heart at 11 weeks---our OB was quite proud to have picked it up so clear on Doppler. Then again we went on November 28 for my 17 week appointment and once again we heard our tiny baby�s heartbeat strong as ever. It was on this day that I got the MSAFP drawn (the test to screen for down�s or neural tube defects, etc.) which was nothing new---after all I have been through this all 4 other times---no sweat. Then�.on Monday, December 3, the phone rang, 7:30 am---ugh-I thought---those telemarketers. I would have given anything for it to be one of them now---but it was a nurse calling to let me know that my MSAFP results were abnormal and could I come in Tuesday for an ultrasound to �date� the pregnancy. She was sure that was all it was---maybe my dates were off. I hung up the phone and emotions just flooded me---I was scared, no terrified. I know it is only a �screening� test, but still----every horrible thought came across my mind---or so I thought. I combed the internet that day---looking for all the �what if�s� about the test-was it �high� or �low�---I called my OB, and she looked it up for me and told me it was on the �low� end-meaning a chromosomal abnormality or possibly �dating�----I knew in my heart my dates were not off---I just knew. Chromosomal---well that I am sure we would find a way to live with. Kevin and I talked about it---we would manage. We decided that night if all the markers on the ultrasound were okay that we were not going to go for an amnio---because why, when there was an increased risk of miscarriage and if the baby did have down�s then nothing could change our love for it. Monday was a very long day---but little did I know that the following days would seem like eternity. Tuesday-I was up very early. I was a nervous wreck---but excited, because we were going to get to see our baby for the first time. My appointment wasn�t until noonish, so that morning I played out with the boys and when it was time to go Kevin came home and picked me up. On the drive to the hospital we kept kidding how the baby would be covering �the part� so I couldn�t peek at the sex. Kevin has never wanted to know, but I am horrible with surprises. We got up to the antepartum clinic-and then were called back by the technician-the same that had done the ultrasounds on Josh and Tyler when they were little babies inside of me. I lay on the table and he started with the warm goop on my belly-and then I suppose he began with the head---measuring the skull, looking at the spinal cord, etc (Kevin could see the screen but at first they always do their �diagnostics� so I could not see yet). He got up to go �check� my file and I sat up and saw the little spine on the screen-he had frozen that image---and it is one image that will be forever frozen in my mind. He came back, turned on the �sound� and began to look around. I heard nothing---part of me knew something was amiss, but the other part of me wouldn�t think of it. He left again to get a doctor-and they looked again at the screen---and were mumbling about the �thorax� and all---well I am no idiot-I know where the thorax is and I was beginning to put things together. The doctor said she needed another attending to make �the call�---she could not do it alone. She then turned to us and said that they could not detect a heartbeat, but she was going to get another opinion---I felt myself detaching from reality. The other OB came in and they looked at the screen and poked around on me----still nothing. No sound-but my own heart beating, my heart breaking at that very moment. This was the unthinkable---this was not even a thought that crossed our minds----at no point----EVER!! They left us alone---I just melted into Kevin---my heart, my body, and my soul---all broken. He was the only thing keeping me together at that point. After I was able to regain some composure they went over our options with us----to deliver now or come back later�..well later was not an option---and I was still in shock ---how could I ever deliver? It was something at that moment in time was unfathomable-but now I look back and thank God that was my only option there---I am so very thankful that I got to bring my son into this world, caress his tiny body, tell him I love him, and say my own goodbyes to him. We opted to have an amnio done at that point---for the risk of miscarriage was not a �risk� now---we had already lost our angel. The amnio was done to possibly offer an explanation, as were the other labs drawn and specimens tested. They then moved us to L&D where I was going to undergo the induction---since my body was not at all showing signs of �naturally� miscarrying, medicine would help me along. It was here that we met one of the many angels that helped us through this ordeal, Debbie. She was their for the beginning and end of our �journey� in L&D�.and without her, we would probably not have made it to where we are today all in one piece. She was there for Kevin and me and answered whatever question we had, no matter how off the wall. She listened while we talked about our hopes, our dreams, how we met, our kids, our plans for more kids, etc��she was there for us in every way possible. She was honest and frank and that was exactly what we needed. They started the induction at about 3 in the afternoon with cytotec tablets inserted near the cervix to get things started. A half hour later Debbie summoned the anestesiologist-because the physical discomfort was not necessary-and this way, I could be comfortable to a point. Three to four hours later another dose of the cytotec---and after that, I was fully dilated by 8pm. But it wouldn�t be until the next morning at 5:15am that our angel was born . Throughout the night-a lot happened-we laughed, we cried, we felt so many emotions in such a short time, I look back and am like �WOW.� After our angel was born they took him to clean him up and look him over and then came back to tell us once again what to expect. When they handed him to me---I could not believe my eyes. What I thought would be scary and horrific, was not that at all---he was beautiful and angelic. To me he was perfect----tiny, but perfect. He was only 2.7 ounces and 6 inches long---so very tiny. But he had ten fingers, ten toes, the tiniest little hands and feet I have ever seen, but they were oh sooooo cute. His head was large---but that was expected for his gestational age. You could see through his skin---but that too was expected. His eyes were open-and we could see perfect little pupils, a blue grey. He had a tiny nose, and a tiny mouth and two tiny ears. And of course he was most definitely a �he�---there was no mistake there. He was perfect---once Debbie saw him she said that it did not appear that anything chromosomal was wrong, so don�t be alarmed if nothing comes back on the amnio. We held him, touched him, kissed him, and just gazed at him. As we looked at him, the name Gabriel came to me-I asked Kevin if it was �allright�---and he nodded yes. The hurt was somewhat masked by awe and amazement at this tiny little angel in my hands. They took him to take pictures and make prints and we were left to hold each other and try and pick up some of the pieces. We were still concerned because the placenta was retained and not cooperating. I was loosing a great deal of blood at this point, so they kept trying to give my cytotec orally to get the placenta to finish separating. Around 9 that morning, Debbie brought Gabriel in one last time---for us to hold him, love him, and then say goodbye to him. I never in my wildest dreams thought that yesterday would be the first day I would see my baby on ultrasound and today would be the last I would ever lay eyes on him. It was pure heartbreak---my heart was being ripped out---I could not understand why our perfect, precious little baby. By noon, they finally decided to do the D&C and in no time I was in recovery. They would then transfer us to the Gyn/Ob ward---where the realization that Gabriel was gone would begin to set in. Debbie and the other nurses had made us a memory box---with blankets that they brought Gabriel to us in, clothes they dressed him in, toys the �played with him with�, and gold rings for Kevin and I as well as a �Certificate of Birth� and a card. This box would in weeks to come be a healing treasure for me---at first I was incredibly sad when I looked through it, but now I find peace and comfort-at holding and smelling and mothering the contents. I have taken some of the items to use in my memory album. I also wear my gold ring to have Gabriel close to my heart. The next day I was discharged from the hospital---and that too was yet another milestone. I felt so empty as I left the hospital---it was horrible, but with Kevin by myside I got through it. That day I called the mortuary and we went to make the arrangements to have Gabriel cremated. It was hard---to have to pick out an urn for your child. It was here that I decided that I didn�t want to spread his ashes---I want to keep him with us until we leave this earth and then we shall all be put back to nature together. We picked out an urn with etched white birds in flight----reminds me of doves-a symbol of peace and hope. The wait to receive him back was torturous---but a week later we picked up the urn with our angel�s earthly remains-and it was at this time that I felt some sort of peace. The following weeks were hard---there were and still are many ups and downs. I went through a �gathering� phase---I have many angels, figurines, poems, and whatever else I could find to �remind� me of my precious Gabriel. In my heart I know I will never �forget� him, but my mind needed these reminders. They are scattered about and make me feel warm to see them. On December 29, we had a memorial service for Kevin and I at the chapel at the church. Father Ron, the priest that baptized our angel performed the service. It was beautiful. I got three violet roses-one for me, one for Kevin, and one for Gabriel to bring with us. We put those along with the urn and Gabriel�s December beanie bear up on the altar for the holy blessing. The service was my turning point-my point to let go of some of the hurt and anguish I kept torturing myself with, a time that I can say from here on out it is Okay to seek happiness in life-Gabriel would want it this way. I still �gather�---I now have a blue topaz ring I wear as yet another tangible reminder of my angel. I also got a tattoo-see the pictures. It has a G in the heart---because that is where Gabriel lives on in me and an 01 in the star-because that was when he went to heaven. Even now---I am still in search of more �Gabriel� reminders---it is a motherly instinct-to provide for my child, and even though physically he is not with me, spiritually he will always be a part of me. I started a cross-stitch pattern on January 5, a Cherished Teddies �Gabriel� pattern. I finished it 10 days later. It matches the Cherished Teddy figurine my friend, Conny gave me for Christmas---one she had to search hard for because it was retired. I will treasure it always. The day after I finished my pattern I went back up to L&D to meet with Debbie, the anestesiologist, and Christy, another nurse in L&D that I adore. We talked, I shared my �gathering� and we looked at Gabriel�s pictures (which by the way are my most prized treasures of our angel---they are BEAUTIFUL, Debbie). On this day I not only conquered my sadness about L&D but I left fulfilled and excited at the future. I have made it a long way, this day was a huge indicator of that. It has definitely been a rough ride----but through this I have found strength I never knew I had. Even though I am blessed to have my four earthly children, the heartbreak that one is missing will always be a part of me. I have days that I feel ok and some days that I feel like I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. I let myself grieve, I let myself feel happiness---I let my heart feel whatever it needs to feel and then I pick up the pieces and I go on. I find peace and comfort in knowing Gabriel is at the gates of Heaven-waiting for us, looking down on us, and loving us. He is a part of our lives-he always will be. We intend on celebrating his birthday, every December 5. He has his very own stocking that will be hung every Christmas. If someone asks---I am glad to share about my children, ALL of them. We plan on trying to conceive in the very near future-it is going to take �a leap of faith� and together we will embark on the journey. We both know it will be difficult as a great deal of the �innocence� of pregnancy has been lost, but we also know that with hope and faith in God and each other that we will make it through the rough patches and someday reap the joy and happiness of the promises of the future. My Child If I could have a lifetime wish, A dream that would come true, I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you. A thousand words can't bring you back; I know because I've tried. And neither can a million tears; I know because I've cried. You left behind my broken heart And happy memories too. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. |