I hate my life! Am I manic depressive or something? 'Cause it sure the hell feels like it. I don't understand why I'm so depressed. I keep getting the urge to kill myself. I was driving home from Lacombe the other night and I saw a car coming the other way and I thought, 'What if I just stepped on the gas and swerved right into it, it'd be an easy death'. The only thing that kept me from committing suicide before was my friends. But now they really don't seem to care if I'm around or not.
I'm clinging way too much to camp. I've never had this much trouble adapting back to normal life. It's horrible! I don't want to be like this, I want to be me. I'm too self-conscious now, too unhappy. Too many changes happened and I'm having the hardest time dealing with them. My brother moved out, new manager at work, different teachers, harder courses, more courses, fewer friends, short hair. I should've kept my hair long, it might've made it easier. I don't know!
When I get bored, I get depressed. I have a spare first class of every day and I just don't know what to do with myself. I get so bored. I almost burst into tears in the middle of my math class because we weren't doing anything. I keep wanting to cry at the most inappropriate times but when I'm prepared to cry, I can't.
We were in an assembly today and the principal was there and blah blah blah. We were told what was expected of us and crap and then we were told what we could expect. And then the counsellor got up and talked and then school liasion officer. They kept mentioning suicide and everytime they did, I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, it was too embarrassing. They said they were there to talk to if we ever felt like life wasn't worth living but I couldn't do that. It's too revealing, talk to somebody I don't even know about how I'm feeling.
I can't even talk to my friends about it. They're all too busy with their own problems, I'm not going to dump mine on them too. I'm not going to be selfish and bug them with all my emotion baggage.
I just don't know what to do anymore. About Ron, about Ian, about school, about cadets, about anything. My biggest fear is that I won't get to go to camp next summer. I just don't think I could handle that. Nobody really realizes exactly what that means to me. It's the world to me, I'd live there if I could. Everyone is so accepting, so friendly. Sure companies fight with each other but there's such a feeling of unity there, it's overwhelming. And I come back to this shit hole town and have to feel all the hate and misery and I just can't handle it. I just hate it here so much!
Well, there I go, I made myself cry. I just want to lock myself in a room somewhere away from everybody and just bang my head against the wall until I forget everything and die. I just can't handle this anymore. I've realized my biggest fear, of being alone. And that's what I feel like right now, alone. I can't handle it. I feel like I have no friends and no one cares. My parents are too busy with my brother, Nicki's too busy with Kyle, Trisha's too busy with school and she's graduating a semester early, Kyle's too busy with work and Nicki, Jo's not even in the province. And all my camp friends are too busy with their own lives, same with Bren&meL.
My life is just so different right now, it doesn't seem like my own. I don't want to live it anymore. I'm going to bed.
