It's official, birth control is the devil! Stupid horse estrogen fucking with my hormone levels! Bah humbug!
I really hate my life. The only place I can be happy is at work, which is totally wierd!
No one loves me, no one cares. I just love my life. People battle stuff everyday; disease, discrimination, wars, death, etc. And what do I battle? Myself! My overcoming jealousy. Envy, one of the seven deadly sins.
Who am I jealous of?
First of all, Crystal. And I really hate myself for this. She's a nice, sweet girl with a fucked up life. She tried to kill herself and now everyone is coddling her and I'm fucking jealous of that. WHY?! It's stupid. She needs it, I don't.
Spicki, she has Kyle, I have a blow up doll. Oh wow! The light of my life, the apple of my eye, my knight in shining armour. And the fact that she can have a boyfriend. I just can't. The details as to why have been laid out and thought through time and time again and I can't get past them. I couldn't handle being hurt, not again and definately not now!
Lindsay, sometimes I want to be friends, sometimes I wish she'd just die! But I can't handle a friend who has a holier than thou attitude. She's seemed to have lost that but who knows.
And mainly anything involving Brendan. The thought of that boy just triggers my jealous switch. I almost ripped Spicki's throat out today in social for saying she knows him. She so does not! She knows nothing about him except that he went out with Lindsay.
I love being able to love him and yet I hate it! My brain is just so fucking scrambled right now. I'm jealous of Lindsay and meL and Steph because they got to have him as a boyfriend, which is what I want and will never have. I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't stop.
Screw it, I'm going to bed.
