And we're back to Brendan. It thought he didn't fit into my everyday life, my everyday thoughts. But he just worms his way in constantly. I wear the pants or the hat he gave me, I use phrases I picked up from him, I tell stories about him. I think about him, I love him to pieces.
But I'm afraid! Afraid I don't know him as well as I think I do. Afraid he means more to me than I mean to him. Afraid of my feelings because they're not going anywhere or leading to anything. I feel ridiculous because I know he would scoff at all this. Or would he? I'm afraid to post this on the net due to how it might make him feel. I'm scared he will feel badly because of my feelings for him.
meL wrote on her deadjournal about Brendan and I was in shock. My brain was thinking "What are you talking about? Brendan's mine! Go find your own life." Thoughts like that make me want to rip my brain out of my head and say "Listen! That's not who I am, that' snot who I want to be. So shut the hell up and stop processing crap like that." It's thoughts like that, that make me hate myself.
I love Brendan and I want him as my own. I'm his friend and I want the best for him, for him to be happy. Ahh, conflict of interests. If only I could fire myself from this position.
Ha! Jo actually thought something might be going on between Jon T. and Spicki. Now that's comedy! Spicki wanted to see the counsellor today. Sometimes I feel wierd because I don't deal with my problems like that. As if that's the "normal" way. I just couldn't talk about my problems with someone I don't know and don't trust. They're not trained to understand, they're trained to make us "feel better".
That social quiz turned out to be a fucking test! AHHHH! I'll be surprised if I don't fail. Mom went to parent-teacher interviews tonight. Good reviews all around, thank you very much! Mr. Taylor called me meticulous. It's the pens fault I swear!
Anyway, BED! Or I won't function right tomorrow.
