At home-->5:56 not going to cadets due to homework
Life just keeps going and going and going like a fuckin' energizer bunny. It never gives you any god damn time to sit back and figure yourself out.
Stupid radians, I hate you! You make sense but these math questions don't. My head is just swimming from social! Stupid provincial government screwing us over for the sake of money!
My brain is fried, I can't think anymore and I hvae to study for social tomorrow. It's suppose to be one part of your life picks up and another part falls apart. For me; my whole life starts picking up speed and then hits a brick wall and just leaves me dazed!
My cadet career is in shambles. I can't dance at all(learn the jig, hornpipe, johnny, and dusty miller MY ASS!). Work is driving me crazy. School makes me want to continuously hit my head against a wall. My friends sometimes make me wish I could stand being a loner! Love? Music? I don't have the time, the mental capacity, the strength, the courage, or the heart anymore. I feel tired, drained, and weepy.
Sometimes I wish I was dead. But the human will to survive is too much! I have no real reasons. I wish I couldn't think or feel.
Having Brendan for the weekend, I can't decide if it was a good idea or bad. It's confused the hell out of me and certainly left me broken hearted. I was going to see if things would work out with Isaac, if we could be happy with each other. But in sweeps Brendan, breaks my resolution to keep my virginity(which is now a matter of opinion), dissolves my ideas that we are good friends and nothing more, and out he goes. I probably won't see him for an other year or so. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. My heart and mind are at each other's throats in a never ending battle. All I really got out of this was a pair of pants, a hat, a vest, and a few paintings on my floor. Also, the idea to be a better person and to live with no regrets. But what a silly idea that is for me when I can't forget a single hurtful word anyone has ever said to me. I wish I had amnesia!
Luckily I don't regret what I did with Brendan(to the extent we were both happy, but the confusion and doubt always sets in). And I thank whatever God there might be that I feel no shame. I was so afraid that all the aftermath of David would happen again. I couldn't handle it.
I don't expect anyone to understand this, I don't understand it! Crystal did try to kill herself, swallowed tylenol. Yet again, I feel like I'm on the back burner, swept away by someone else's crisis. Why must I be so fucking selfish? Why must I feel like this? Be like this? I make myself sick.
Later on -->9:25pm
I hate mood swings! One minute I'm whining and the next I'm reading my social text, listening to Ozzy, and giggling at stupid jokes I think in my head. Damn you female hormones!
I honestly can't expect Brendan to go out with me, how can I expect him to love someone he never sees?! I should just be happy that I know such a wonderful person, that I'm able to love him unconditionally and him love me in return. He's such a sweetheart. When he said he'd do anything for me, I nearly cried. Blargh, I love him like a pumpkin!
I hate Lacombe, I hate LCHS! I feel so alienated and discriminated tehre. You should see the looks I got just for wearing my uber pants today. I'll show them, I'll show them all! Bwahahaha!
ROXOR!
October 21, 2002