1:21AM I'm such a wonderful person! I'm sitting in the crew room on my first 15. Jordan's sitting across from me, totally ignoring me 'cause he was reading an Anne Rice novel. I had forgot 'A Clockwork Orange' in the car, and wasn't about to go get it, so I couldn't read and I didn't feel like pulling out my math or my journal. So I'm munchin' away at my tea and carrot muffin, and guess who casually walks in and hangs up his coat? ISAAC! My immediate response, because I'm so suave and charming, was "What the hell are you doing here?" *sigh*I want a brain transplant!
And I didn't even think to actually ask himfor his email address instead of trying to get it from Jo or Alyson(which is like humping a dead frog . . . ? . . . it was the first thing that popped in my mind, weird). He didn't stay long and we didn't talk at all, I'm so dumb, I hate my brain. I've gotta get my ass in gear, I keep passing by my chances to start something with him. Sooner or later, I'm gonna totally miss my chance and I'll end up hating myself for it AGAIN! The first time was bad enough.
And I need to focus my attention on a guy. This whole thing with Brendan has left me totally scrambled. I can't keep up with my life anymore. The whole thing with Crystal didn't really help either.
I had this whole thing figured out at work but now I forgot. I really went against myself this time though. I told myself "Brendan is your friend, nothing more. Hell, he's more like a brother than a friend. He said he can't go out with you, find, you're over that. Now you can spend your weekend hanging out, acting like freaks together." And I was totally fine with that, I was really looking forward to a guitar lesson, actually. And I wasn't even the one who started it! Not that I'm blaming Brendan, this isn't about blame. It's about figuring shit out and catching back up with my life.
We(Spicki, Bren, and I)were laying on the fouton watching 'A Clockwork Orange'. I put my pillow up against Bren and stretched out. I eventually ended up with my head in his lap, listening to him and Spicki talk. That's probably the most content I've been in a long time. And he would poke me or tickel me, fine between friends. And he would kiss my hand or my cheek, then I knew! Like, I could feel something between us, an attraction, a spark, whatever. But *I* certainly wasn't going to do anything about it! And I kept my ground going 'no, this isn't what you want, you're just hurting yourself if you do anything.' And he'd lean in and try to kiss me and I'd turn my head and I turned the whole kissing my hand thing into a joke by doing it to him. And I resisted and resisted utnil finally I said 'FUCK IT! Be happy for a few days.' And I was, but the aftermath, argh! And I certainly didn't know it would go as far as it did. Jesus, I almost slept with him! We actually could've had sex but I was being a wuss 'cause I knew it would hurt.
But why can't I just get over it. I actually pretty much am but the whole thing with Lindsay is just pure turmoil. I really feel like I need to protect Brendan form getting hurt again. It was fine when he dated meL 'cause I know her, she's cool. I don't know, I feel like mothering him.
ANd on the other hand, I try to protect all the guys that are sucked into the Lindsay vortex! 3 guys she's totally ravaged. And if she thinks just because I've stopped being hostile towards her means our burnt bridge is going to be rebuilt, she can think again. That bridge was burnt by both of us and we both have to rebuild it. And I honestly don't know if I hate her anymore. If she mentions Brendan I hate her with a consuming, fiery, passionate rage but other than that I have no feelings towards her. Except wariness. I really don't want to try and be her friends because every time I have tried it breaks down and depresses and angers the hell out of me. Plus, she dumps on her friends, not like I do, I do it because of FREAKING HORSE ESTROGEN! Poor Spicki, I'll have to remember to apologize to her(that is if she doesn't annoy the shit out of me first).
Back to Lindsay. Last year, I took all her notes out to the fire pit, read each one, ripped 'em all up, and burnt them. Then I went inside and washed my hands, I was through with her. Completely through! I certainly got my jollies when none of her friends would even speak to her for a short while. I thought it was hilarious!
I guess I really feel left out. I'm so insecure! I keep thinking Brendan and Lindsay talk all the time and Bren won't talk to me because things are wierd between us. I don't want things to be wierd between us! I want it to go back to the way it was. I guess I really miss talking with him all the time. By the way, talking actually means email. Oh haha, brainwave, the truth comes out! I'm jealous! On her lj, Lindsay's all "Brendan has been a pillar!" And I'm just being selfish and jealous going 'What about me? Maybe I need a pillar!" Ugh, my God, I need a brain transplant.
Brendan and I love each other as friends. As he said, nothing could ruin that, not even men with guns! And I'm jealous of Lindsay! She can't wear tshirts because she cuts herself for Christ's sake and I'm jealous of that!? Ooo, that was a low blow, yeah that was quite rude, even for me. Stupid jealousy, I'll shut up now. Pandora just had to open that god damn box! Stupid mortals, and I can say that 'cause Jordan declared me a God at work.
ISAAC OTWAY! It's branded into my brain. AHHHH! OK, sleep!
10:15PM Watchin' '28 Days'. I love this movie. I'm gonna bribe Jo tomorrow. She gets me Isaac's email and I'll get her that Tom Bumbedale book she wants. It better work. I'll be kicking myself in the ass if I miss my chance. But what Ron told me really made me think. Jon just said to phone Isaac because he still liked me. Ron told me everything, from a friend's view. He told me Isaac said I have to phone him because he's not jumping headfirst into "that mess" again. And yeah I should call him if I wanted to do something, he's just gonna sit back. I admit it doesn't particularly sound good and it doesn't help that Ron also added 'he isn't very interested'. But I guess I'll just have to email him and find out what he thinks. It's not as if I ever stopped liking him. That doesn't really matter though. I went out with Stu, leaving him. He went out and found someone else, someone worth his time. I just toally screwed myself over.
Amanda and Isaac broke up this summer. And when I got back and started working again it totally looked like him and Megan were gonna hook up. I found out awhile ago that Megan likes the new manager Khris, but she apparently has something going on with Kyle Kaus.
I don't know. Like, Isaac going from Amanda to me. Amanda was pretty, skinny, outgoing, and certainly not as insecure as I am. If anything does happen between us, I'll really have to push myself. I honestly don't think he has the patience to put up with my crap again. The patience to let me open up and trust him. I really don't see a reason not to trust him, Amanda seemed fine with him, but then again you never know. Ahh, I just love my trust issues!
JUST WAIT AND SEE! For someone who's afraid to get hurt, I certainly am patient.
Y'know, I thought I'd be all boo-hooey if I quit cadets. I was only in it for camp and I guess I knew I wasn't gonna be back. I said my good-byes and I'll visit everyone this summer. I just remembered, I promised Joel I'd go to the tri-service ball with him. I'll write him a letter.
I might was well be honest, I quit 'cause that asshole militia guy was a dick to me. But I couldn't've put up with that all year.
Ahh, sleep time.
