I'll update it again . . . when I get my new computer desk, bwahahaha. Yeah, that's right, I bought one. It's so sweet, it's friqin' huge! Only problem is, it's only got two drawers but meh, it's got storage space for my "shoeboxes of crap". I'm gonna put corkboard in the back and plaster it with "motivation" pictures of Nova Scotia.
Nova Scotia. I want to go SO bad. Seriously, I want to go into my room, pack a bag, and leave tomorrow. Just grab my car and go or go buy a plane ticket. But no, I must wait, have to keep telling myself that I have to go to school. But it's kind of hard to think about. Everytime anything related to Nova Scotia comes up, it hurts because I think of Kevin. Yet again, I've pulled another traditional Krysta move and attached myself to someone that isn't even real, a figment of my imagination. Now, don't go misinterpreting this, Kevin is a real human being, flesh and all, I got a picture. But "Kevin", the one I'm "in love" with, is a complete falacy. 'Cause I've got my little scenarios that I play in my head, like my own private theatre, where we talk and I'm all witty and don't say stupid shit or spit on myself or walk into crap. Like, in them it's me talking with my personality but with him, it's all made up. I don't have a clue in hell who Kevin REALLY is. Like, he's a sweet guy or he can fake being a sweet guy really good. So the person who's Kevin in my head is really me making his image say what I'd want him to say 'cause I have no idea what he'd really say. Does that make any sense at all?
It's all horrificly pathetic really. Every day I want to race out to my car and check my cell phone for the little "voicemail" icon. Everytime I hope against hope that it'll be there and I get that nervous, sinking, gut twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach the second before I look. But it's never there and each time I have to deal with the reality of it all. I'm an obsessive stalker freak, go me. And honestly, I totally should have seen this coming. I just got my hopes up because I obviously mis-read the fact that he called me back so fast. Trish told the person who answered the phone "I just had a couple of questions for him" and she mentioned that I had worked with him, he probably misinterpreted it as a job offering or something to do with work. Which in a way is kind of stupid considering that was my first job and everyone knew it. Plus, there's the disgusting fact of DARCI! God I hate her! I wish I could have said something snotty to her and trampled all over her. Like I've said before, all I wanted to do was jump up and down on her pretty little face with my big ugly boots and scream, "DIE BITCH! DIE!" The day Jamie, Kevin, and Don left. God that was a horrible day! Kevin was like, pretty much asleep sitting at his table at lunch and Darci went over and talked to him and I heard something about her going somewhere and Kevin asked her if she would come down to Red Deer, where he lives.
But seriously, maybe if I would have given him some clue that I have the hots for him. Like, when we were working together if I would have actually talked to him or would have at least feigned an attempt to flirt with him when we were talking on the phone. And this all also comes down to one single fact: is he single? I remember him mentioning that he moved to Alberta with his girlfriend and I can't remember if he said "ex" or not but I keep thinking that he did but I'm not sure. And we were sitting in the coffee shack one time and Kevin was talking and dad overheard and he said something about a girlfriend going up to see him 'cause the job they'd worked at previously at, um, Pigeon Lake or something, I don't remember. Yeah, I'm not making sense anymore.
So yeah, I just went out and got my cell phone. 1 Missed Call. Every time I get a missed call I keep thinking, "HE CALLED!" I need caller id on my phone, desperately. I swear, if it was Ron, his ass is grass! And I went out for a smoke and started pacing back and forth and I couldn't figure out why I'm so hyped up. Then I remembered that I just finished a pot of tea and I forgot to use the decaf tea bags. So I'm gonna be wired for a bit. But then I realized the bathroom light was on, mom's up to go to work, so I quickly stubbed out my smoke and buried it. I nearly peed my pants, I thought she was gonna catch me. There's something I really don't want to deal with. I need my own place . . . with Trisha. But seriously, if it was him, I'm going to pee my pants. *sounds of Krysta hyperventilating* Now I know everyone's wondering, "how is she going to react if he isn't single?" Seriously, I'll get over it because then I know the fact that he doesn't want me isn't because I'm ugly or whatever, it's because he's got a woman. Then I can move on. God, I'm pathetic, this just gets worse the more I type. And of course I'm not going to stop because I need to let it out.
OK so nicotine has soothed my nerves and I think it's time that Krysta went to bed, the caffiene is wearing off. That and I really don't want to deal with my mom asking me why I'm up at 5am. Toodles!
May 3, 2004