Have you ever had a moment of realization when you jsut feel the need to change yourself? A moment when you're just completely sick of being who you are? I have them quite often but instead of helping me, they frustrate the hell out of me. Why? Because I'm too stupid to know how to change, and even if I did I'm too selfish and cowardly to do it.
I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from constantly fighting myself. I'm sick of doubting my friends, remembering every bad and embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. Remembering every single time someone's been mad at me or disappointed with me. Every lie, every broken promise, every time my trust has been breached, every funny look, every rejection, every fight, every tear. Christ, it's like a montage of the bad things in life.
It's all here. Every time I've yelled at a friend, every harsh word I've spoken, every stupid thing I've ever said, every irresponsible thing I've done, every time I've poured out my heart only to have the person say they dont' care. Every time I've pushed someone away when I just wanted them around, every useless crush, every hidden love, everything.
It's all useless and all it does is bring me down but it's all here in my head and it won't go away. Lots of people go through what I go through and I envy them because they're able to forget and move on.
All I ever do is put people down, I only see the bad and I bring it out in people, remind them of their flaws so they wont' focus on mine. I'm so pitiful, so pathetic.
Well, as the great banana man bohan would say "At least you're not Lindsay!"
Ahhh, the trueness of his words! How wise he is. *poke*RAPE!
