Whenever I listen to this song, it makes my heart ache. It makes me feel like crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end, stop playing, but when it gets close, I play it again. Is it just me or is this song just that good?
Why am I using this as a journal again? Technically I'm not. My livejournal is just way too impersonal. Sure it's all personalized by me and crap but . . . I don't know, it's just wrong in a way. Popularized and crap like that. I'll still write in it and I'll write in this and I'll write in my actually paper diary. Why do I even write in an online journal? It's kind of hypocritical, journals and diaries are suppose to be private and here I am advertising it all.
What is it that I'm searching for? Certainty? Security? Protection? How about someone to hold me in their arms and just whisper in my ear "you'll be alright, you're safe"? I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for an ephiphany to change my whole being. I've had a few realizations that have always turned out to be wrong. Why is it that it's so easy for some people to find themselves and so insanely difficult for others? Maybe I was suppose to have found myself a long time ago, maybe I was suppose to be OK right now but something got in the way.
I still don't understand why that's still hindering my mind in someway. It's like some big ass detour that goes on and on and on. Why did it happen to me? Why do I keep thinking about it? I wish it would just go away and I could be normal like everyone else. Everyone I know has something that's happened to them, something about them that's different and when I first proved that I was one of those people, I was happy. I thought I'd found somewhere to fit in, now I just wish that there was nothing wrong with me.
Maybe there's something wrong with my hormones or there's a chemical imbalance in my brain. My mood swings are so . . . wierd. They happen at the wierdest times and cause me to do the wierdest things. Maybe that's just my excuse, my defense against the real world.
I had to beg and bribe Trisha to come with me to the movie today. I was so terrified to see Christiaan without her as if he only likes me(if he even does)because I'm so like her when I'm around her. He confuses me a lot. It intrigues me and it terrifies me. I guess this is the attraction a lot of people have to me, I'm just a whacked up psycho. It was nice though, on Sunday night. Just laying in the truck, half asleep, him stroking my hair. I thought that was great but so what? Does it mean anything? Will it lead anywhere? Somehow I really don't care at all and at the same time I'm dying to see where everything will lead.
It's late in March, soon summer will be here, and then September. Trisha will be gone, what the hell am I going to do with myself? I guess that'll be sink or swim time, make friends in college or be a total loner. Ron will still be around, maybe we'll actually be able to be normal friends then.
I'm just hoping that I will actually be happy when I get out of high school. That I'll be happy with being in college and being an adult and all that crap. Maybe all my mood swings and periods of depression will be gone.
I'm just sick of feeling alone constantly. I use to race home at the end of the day because I knew I had family here. Dad's in . . . some place up north and Justin's in Edmonton, mom's working. I'm on spring break with nothing to do. Trisha's leaving, Ron's in Victoria, Nicki's . . . Nicki. I rarely ever get letters from Chantel or anyone else from camp. My life is quite sad.
March 25, 2003