I've been to the edge and back again
And I know all there is to know it's a dead end
*Late at night I'll come walking by
Just to see what went wrong
Late at night you'll come crawling back
Just to steal a piece of me*
I know what the world is made of I've seen it
You don't have all the answers keep dreaming
*
Lay down now
Late at night I'll come walking by
One Late Night~Default
Why can't I stop caring?! Isaac is not the person I keep thinking he is. But I keep thinking he's changed and I can turn him into an awesome person again.
DAMN YOU HOPE! This is driving me crazy! Isaac is an asshole. He's a loud mouth. And I honestly can't believe what he said to Kyle! "What, did your dad teach you that", in reference to drunken boxing(some martial arts thingy). If there's one thing I've learned it's to not make fun of others problems, especially ones that are that serious. And he laughed about it!
There's me being a hypocrit. AHHH! I don't know what to do! My whole image of Isaac is in flames and I can't stop liking him. WHY?
I ask that question so much. Why this? Why that? For once, I'd like an answer. For once I wish I wasn't just some guys passing phase. For once I'd like to be able to get my music loud enough. For once I'd like to be totally comfortable. I've been close but it always seems like something's missing. ALmost as if I won't let myself be totally comfortable 'cause it's selfish. But that's probably me imagining shit again.
I'm so sick of this but I don't want it to end. WHY? Is it because this whole ordeal has brought me closer to my music? Is it because it's given me emotions, things to feel, rather than having them swallowed up by routine and monotony.
I keep picturing Isaac as a totally awesome guy. He play sguitar, he feel the music, he has so many contemporary ideas. He's funny, sweet, caring.
I talked to him on the phone for two hours around Christmas and I hate the phone. He seemed so awesome. Smart, funny . . . it's hard to describe. And I keep wondering if he was an asshole all along, I just couldn't see it. I wonder if I did this to him. No, that's giving myself way too much credit.
I don't understand and I desperately want to.
Kyle reminded me that Stu's always cared. But I don't like him, I don't know if I ever did. Stu really doesn't have a clue when to shut up. Yeah he's sweet but his ideals don't make sense. That whole 'girls need to be protected' thing just seems really stupid. He's been hanging out with girls who do need to be protected, who can't protect themselves, for too long. At least he had the sense to realize that I don't need to be protected, I'm too independant to put up with taht shit.
Kyle had another good point(he has plent of 'em). The fact that Isaac is an asshole doesn't really change him being sweet, funny, etc. And that's probably why I still like him. I'm not letting go until I get answers. WHy did he give up? Did he even care at all? Was I just some passing phase? I understand that what I feel is completely futile but in comes hope and fucks everything up.
The way Kyle put it. Isaac was basically, like, 'Ooo Krysta likes me, she's cool, we can talk and laugh, I'll ask her out. She said no, oh well, other fish in the sea.' Isaac apparently didn't know Stu and I broke up. He said he'd rather have me date Gaylord(my wonderful blow up boyfriend)than some asshole. Then Kyle's like 'like you?' and Isaac's like 'Yeah, like me' and he laughs. And then he's like 'But I'm dating Amanda and she's great.' Excuse me while I go hang myself from my bedroom ceiling!
This whole thing with me has probably been some minor thing to Isaac. Just some stupid thing that doesn't matter. But, for some reason, it's meant so much more to me. Why do I always have to care so much?
