It hurts, you know. When it finally sunk in that Isaac was dating Amanda, it hurt. It hurt emotionally and physically. I felt as if I had a weight on my chest, it felt wierd to breathe. I had a really dull ache in my chest and if I kept thinking about it, it'd start to hurt more. I hated that he'd given up on me. Everyone had given up on me: Sara, Mike, Stu, Kyle. And then he did and I was really counting on him being around. All the shit I wrote about giving up on him, it was all bullshit. I didn't mean it. It really hurt, it still does.
I want someone stable to count on. I want someone to be a friend to me as I'm a friend to them. My life revolves around my friends. Maybe I'm just selfish.
Watching Nicki and Kyle, I get kind of jealous. I want a boyfriend and blow up doll doesn't suffice, trust me I've tried. I want a guy who wants to fix me, who wants to put up with my shit. Stu still wants me but he's close-minded and I hate that. I don't have a right to be choosy but I need to be. I fuck everything up.
I wish I could just shut up and have a normal life. But that all goes back to what's normal? It's not a definate thing, it's a point of view. Same as 'perfect'.
Saw 'Kate and Leopold' with Nicki and Kyle. Oh I was ready to kill them! How can you talk while a violin is being played. I love the violin, it's so soothing. It was a good movie but I love all that romantic shit . . . usually. I have anger management problems.
I want someone to complete me. Oh my God, Jerry Maguire flashbacks. "Whose comin' with me?" OK, seriously, I want to find a guy who'll solve all my problems. Or at least help me solve them. Or make me forget all my problems until they solve themselves and go away. Ahhh, wishful thinking.
Isn't that the search of life? To find someone that completes us, compliments who we are. Who understands us.
You know nostalgia is a horrible thing. A little is OK but too much can destroy your outlook on everything. As much as I hate being me right now, I'd rather live with it than go back to the illusion I use to live.
I'm kind of happy. I've connected with music to a greater extent than what I use to. And I am terrified of losing that! But I know I will, teenage angst doesn't last forever.
