I feel so small, so insignificant. As if the world and everyone in it is flying by too fast to notice this small, little girl curled up in a corner sobbing. Why do I feel this way? Am I addicted to my outgoing side? I feel so big, so in control when I'm running around acting like a freak and everyone's laughing. I feel important, intimidating, like I own the world. But then everyone finds someone else to pay attention to and I'm left in the dark corner, no one even glances my way. Is this selfishness? I don't know, no one will tell me.
I feel so stupid! I told myself I wasn't starting anything before summer, I told myself no more guys from Lacombe. And what have I done? Started liking someone, yet again. Another Lacombe guy who'll surely treat me like everyone else does, thinks I'm cool then realizes I have problems and leaves me behind with only myself to deal with. And, as always, I'm inventing personalities, creating more scenarios in my head. And I'm jealous, I hate being jealous, I hate it! I swear, I'm going to convince everyone in Lacombe that I'm a lesbian so guys will just leave me alone. No more hurt, no more tears, no more stupid dead-end feelings, no more pointless relationships.
I saw Mike. He looks awesome. I really hope he's happy. My God, I put people through so much shit. Is that why I treat the guys the way I do? Because it makes me feel powerful to be a bitch to them and hurt them. I feel bad about what I did to him. I thought it was hilarious at the time, but now I realize I was just being a stupid ho.
I don't understand myself at all. I hate myself, especially when I feel so vulnerable, like this. It annoys me, I'm suppose to be the happy bubbly person. I sit here and bitch about guys, that's all I ever do. Why? Because I'm jealous of all my friends. They sit there and act all cutesy with their significant other and I get left out. And there's no way I can change that. Why? Because guys that will date me don't want to put up with the shit that I dish out, no guy is willing to help me with the crap I'm trying to sort through. I feel so alone all the time.
My friends read this and they're all like "Oh Krys, we love you!" I already knew that, that's not what I'm bitching about(don't think me ungrateful, I love hearing stuff like that from my friends, and I love saying stuff like that to them). I'm just looking for more.
More, like what? I don't know, I always feel like I'm searching for something. Mr. Right! Jesus, I'm almost 17 and here I am bitching about not finding a man, there has got to be something wrong with me. This is what society does to its children, warps their minds with their hollywood bullshit 'til they don't know what they should want, reality or fantasy, and then doesn't give a shit about doing it just because they made money off of it. Well way to go Barbie and Britney and NSync and Disney and all you other corporations, thank you so much for fucking up our youth. Whoever told me that I think too much, I think they're right!
But on to what's happened in my life recently. Kyle and I got into a little fight there. I was trying to arrange a shopping trip and then going to see EpisodeII. Kyle was suppose to be our ride but he was having a horrible day and he got the brilliant idea that I was using him for his car(which actually really really hurt me, Lindsay uses him for his car, not me, I like Kyle because he has a brain and he's awesome to talk to and he's absolute hilarious). So he cancelled on me, plus he and Spicki were doing something. So I got all mad and then pouted in my room and then came up on the comp to tell Ron that it was off, hoping for sympathy.
Ron is a guy I met at work who's a 'tard ass(inside joke)and totally awesome, he has to be one of the best people I work with(since stupid Useless quit). But he was trying to get my number but I wouldn't give it to him(I hate phones and the other reasons just goes a little too deep into my mind than I care to explain)so I gave him my email addie and my MSN. So we chatted on MSN awhile and emailed and then he bribed Kyle for my phone number, and naturally Kyle gave him the wrong one, he just screwed up a few numbers. But, I asked Ron to come on the whole shopping/movie thing. And then we couldn't go to the movie and then we could, and blah blah blah, too much crap to explain.
It was fun though, we were talking over MSN and we were talking in French, Ok he was talking French and I was trying to remember what I'd learned in French13. He scared the crap out of me, he asked me if I was his little friend(petite ami) and I thought petite ami meant girlfriend, I nearly peed my pants. And I told him to go read MST3K-TPM, I hope he finds it funny. I sit at the computer and everyone thinks I'm crazy when I read it because I just sit here and giggle like a psycho.
Kay, anyways, back on track. After Kyle cancelled on me, I went on the comp to tell Ron that it was off, also searching for sympathy in my bad mood. Naturally, with my luck, I never got it, Ron was just about to cancel on me. Which pissed me off even more so I just got off the comp and bitched all night. The next day I was just mean but Jo, Trisha, and I figured everything out, and we did get to go shopping(but of course Amber had to come). We(Jo&I) got Trisha an awesome present(a CD player, a discman, pj pants, and a Winnie The Pooh poster). And we got to go see Star Wars and I was all happy afterwards and started freaking out. My legs wouldn't stop shaking, I thought they were gonna fall off. And I caught the part where you can hear Qui-Gon and I started shaking Jo and giggling like crazy.
I failed my written drivers test HORRIBLY! I got, like, half of it wrong but the lady was really nice about it and a guy who works at AMA went over some of it with me so I'll go write it again soon. And although I didn't get my discman, I got the second soundtrack to Moulin Rouge. And awesome shirts for Bren&meL, they're going to love them. I'm trying not to pee myself with excitement, I can't wait to go to Calgary!
Trisha's party was fun. I was being a bitch at first and I yelled at Kyle for touching mine&Jo's present and I was being a total ho about it being last. But then I started to loosen up and Kyle and I talked so we're good now. I felt bad for Trisha because her and Aldin were having a fight. And Amber was flirting like absolute crazy with Aldin ALL night, which I thought was totally and utterly rude as all hell. My mom came and picked me up and then told me kids were gonna be at the house today so I ended up staying at Trisha's for the night. But in the morning her and Aldin were OK so it was good. And Kyle came back over. Then I went home, well I stopped off at McDonalds to give Jo her stuff and was a bitch to Isaac.
And now, here I am. Typing at the comp, trying to drown out the constant repeating of the stupid Mario Brothers 3 music, downloading music from Rent The Musical, and trying not to pull my hair out with frustration(I really dislike children). Everyone's like, so you're not having kids? That's different, they're going to be my kids, I'll be their all-powerful-know-it-all mommy and they'll listen to me. I dislike other pplz kids.
And now I think I'm done typing, I'm gonna go do my homework and study for my drivers. These are our final messages: PITY ME DAMNIT!
