I've been thinking a lot lately. bOhAn and Nick have both given their opinions on this and I
seem to agree with them more than I agree with Tova, Sara, and Garn. Probably 'cause I didn't treat
Nick and bOhAn like shit, well, Nick got a bit of a surprise at the start of the year but I think
we've worked that one out(I was just being an ass).
I don't know if I should do this but I'm going to(I can't remember if I told Tova were this was
or not, hope I didn't, no offense to her). This is the email Sara sent me:
If i look back at our friendship over the last 4 years and everything, it's not just the last 4
months that you've been a bitch to me.
Krysta, you have lowered my self esteem so much through everything you've called me and the
way you can just sweep in and become close friends with one of my friends at camp(or some place)
that i've had to work at for years to be friends with them, the way you always told me i needed a
boyfriend or to be louder when i didn't feel the need, you're swearing and Satan talk made me
question the very essence of who i am (like now i never swear and i'm more into God and all that
than ever).
You know how you tell me to be louder, i'm quiet because i'm scared that if i say something
wrong (which i often did when we're just chatting) then you'd bug me about it and it made me feel
bad so i stop talking.
You always said you were always there for me but, i was always alone because ever since grade
7 i've never been able to trust people (especially you) i mean, you took everything i said and
stabbed me in the back with it, and when i did trust you and everyone enough to tell you about my
crushes or something you made fun of me (you may think it's funny but it made me keep everything
else in). I'm just now, realizing i have to trust people to make it through life and stuff, and
i can still not fully trust anyone, but i try to see the good in people (i'm trying, and i see
the good in you Krys, but the bad is just to much for me to take)
Tova is right, you do wear a different mask for everyone and i don't know the real you and
i'd always want to get to know her but i'm scared that if i try you won't be able to keep the
mask off, i'm scared you'll turn right back into the person that treats me bad, and that's a mask
that needs to be thrown away... no one expects you to be like that,and no one wants to you to
like that...
Krysta, i know you want to be my friend again but i don't think i can, i'm not strong to take
it and if all this starts to happen again then i won't be able to do this to you again. It's not
that i hate you, i just hate the way you've treated me and the person you become some times. I
will be able to be a distant aquantace, you know the one that smile at each other in the hall and
what not, but i can't be close enough to a friend to be able to hang around with you and have
fun doing it... to many memories...
If your wondering by now why I'm telling you all of this. I can't do what you did to me
Krysta, i can't just leave you alone in the world with no one for no reason.. I'm telling you
all this so that you KNOW and that you can start to heal, i know it might be killing you but if
you didn't know you would be dying forever (i did in grade 7, i'm still not really over it) This
is the truth Krysta, it's better for you to know it, and i'm sorry i held it from you for so long
and just let you go on thinking i hate you and stuff like that... I'm pouring out my heart here
Krysta, most of this stuff is stuff that no one knows and i want you to know it!
A few months ago, i didn't feel like this (that is probably why we were friends for so long)
but when i started to hang around with other people i really thought about it and your normal
behaviour seemed to be more negative than it use to be and i realized it was the same behaviour,
i just had a different perspective. Your jokes stopped being funny and started to hurt and at one
point i almost heard sincerity to your "nicknames" for me and it hurt. I just took a huge step
back and tooked at the whole situation and thought long and hard,,, and these are most of the
things i realized (if i left something out then it's probably not important).
After reading this over and over again, I've realized a lot. One thing I just realized is that she
said she can't just leave me 'alone in the world with no one for no reason'. I may have depended
a lot on her and felt a little lost after we stopped being friends but I've never been alone. I've
felt like I was sometimes but I never was. I've always had friends, Nicki, bOhAn, meL, Trisha, James,
I just always seem to have at least one friend. That's probably because I CAN 'just sweep in and
become close friends' with people. I was stranded at basic(cadet camp)and I didn't know anyone and
by the end of it, I had a big group of friends and all because I got off my ass and started talkin'
to people.
And EVERYONE gets made fun of for their crushes. I've gotten how many "Stinky Stu?"s and "Ew,
Isaac?"s and "How could you date Furman?"s. You just have to deal with it. And I apologized a
MILLION times for the grade7 thing and every time she said she'd forgiven me.
Anyway, onto other things. I can't wait 'til Ozzy. It's gonna kick ass(sorry bohan). I'm so
totally crowd surfing!!!!
Anyway, I have to return to the monotany of my life to do other shit(AcK I have to work in 4
hours, shit piss).
February 20, 2002