My brother took my mom out for supper tonight. I was suppose to go with them but I bitched and moaned that I didn't want to so I got to stay home, alone. McDonalds called twice and my best guess is it was Isaac. But I didn't pick up the phone, at all, all evening. I don't think I'll be accepting calls until we go back to school because I really don't want to talk to anyone. This Valentine's Day is officially the worst one I have ever had and could ever have!
I don't know what to say. I want to get pissed off but I can't because all I feel is empty! I don't feel anything except depression. I was told today that my whole social life is a lie.
I really am an asshole. So many people have gone "oh, no you're not" when I've said that I'm a bitch but they were lying. Well, down this road that I'm travelling, trying to figure out who the hell I am, I hope this will be the biggest obstacle.
What I don't understand is why the hell didn't people tell me this earlier? All of a sudden Trisha and Sara pop up and say "Oh by the way, we never said anything at the time, but your jokes are all stupid and everything you've called us really is hurtful." Would've been helpful info earlier on people. Now, after doing it for years, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder to stop. One thing that will never stop is me swearing because, well, that's just the way I am. Hell, I've been doing it since I was five, I'm not gonna stop now. I don't really want to anyways.
I kind of already did know all this, I just never did anything. I've tried totally acting like myself and so many people just went "Hello? Krys? Are you in there?" A lot of people find me more fun. But, I don't even know if that's true anymore. I don't know what's real or what's just some big ass lie. And I'm stuck at home because our teachers are morons(THERE IS NO MONEY TO GIVE YOU, GIVE IT UP)and I'm actually kind of happy. I really don't want to face anyone for awhile(except for work because I can't cancel my shifts saying I'm having an identity crisis)but I'm gonna have to eventually. I kind of want to, to prove to people that I can change. But I know it's going to be hard, especially with Trisha. I already feel bad for her. Kyle already told her that she makes him act different and he doesn't like that.
I just have this big feeling that if I do change and become completely me that I'll be quiet and won't really say anything and I just can't do that. I need to be loud! I need to make noise! It's as if I'm addicted to it or something.
I don't know! I'm going to bed and I'm never getting up!
Feb. 14, 2002 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY(hope yours was better than mine)
