So go ahead and laugh. My entire world is crashing down around me. I can't stand who I hang out
with and I burned every bridge I had to get myself into that damn group. I don't know what to do,
I feel like hyperventilating.
I'm talkin' to Tova right now(thank God, I have a friend like her) and she's making me realize
so many things. I'm not myself, I act differently when I'm around certain people. When I'm with
Trisha, I act like Trisha. I use to be able to act like a total moron, look like a retard, eat
like a pig without having a second thought about what my friends were thinking. Now I'm so self conscious
I can barely even breathe without thinking that someone is thinking I'm doing it wrong. And it's so true too!
I want to go back to being me but I don't know how. I've totally forgotten who the hell I even
am. All I've been worried about this past year is worming my way into Nicki's group of friends
and getting to know them and then the whole thing with Isaac and Stu. That's basically my entire
life from the start of this school year. Now I've realized how screwed up Nicki's group of friends
is and how they make me feel as if I can't be me because my life is too, for lack of a better word
and trust me I can't find a better one, "perfect". Kyle always talks about his drunk dad and Stu
always talked about his parents fighting and I couldn't take it anymore. After one of my exams,
I was sitting in the cafeteria reading a book and Lindsay and Stu and all that were near me and I
started to totally freak out. I couldn't stand hearing them talk anymore, it drove me crazy!
I can't stand being me! This has made me want to hate myself. But I can't because I'm not me.
OK, this is starting to not make sense. But it's all true!
My God, I wish I could just go back to being me but it's not that easy. I gotta figure out
who the hell I am too. I didn't even clue in to this, even when Jon K. told me "You're starting to
become Patricia." I was like "Oh, bullshit, I'm me!" But it's true. When I meet someone that I
start to idiolize, I start to act like them. Like with Trisha or with Catherine(from church camp).
And I've also realized something else. I went out with Stu because I was completely terrified
of going out with Isaac. I don't like being alone with guys, I'm self conscious. I always think
that if they get to know me and be around me that they'll think I'm a moron and will hate me.
Oh, holy shit! I have low self esteem. I never realized this before, I always thought I was
really conceited. Society today tries to teach us that thinking about ourselves is bad, that we're
vain. True, doing it all the time is bad but sometimes you just have to.
NEWSFLASH: KRYS RUINED CHANCE WITH ISAAC BECAUSE SHE'S A TOTAL FUCKING MORON! Extra extra read all the fuck about it! I can't believe this. The friends that I had that I
thought would never leave, left me because I wasn't being me. I was being someone else. Trisha
never realized it because she never knew me when I was me. Nicki probably didn't notice because
we were too busy talkin' about other people and worrying about Stu&Kyle. I'm such a moron. I kind
of realized it awhile ago because I tried to talk to bOhAn and I couldn't, I didn't have anything
to say. This is so screwed up!
Anyways, I'm going to go to bed now and think about this some more. This is totally whacked!
