MISQUOTED, MISINTERPRETED, MISUNDERSTOOD, and MISAPPLIED.
Alright, I admit it, there is something seriously wrong with me. Why is it that every time I
get away from school for an extended period of time(AKA-longer than a weekend)I start freaking
out and questioning my social life. Are they really my friends? Am I really happy being me? Do
I really like hanging out with who I hang out with? I honestly don't think that's normal. Or maybe
I do it because the answer to all those questions is no. I'm not happy. But I seem so happy!
Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that Stu and I broke up. But why? I didn't really
give a shit when he did it, I was just blah. But I was reminiscing about cadet camp and I get
really wierd when I do that so maybe that's why. I'm really afraid of another Tony happening,
break up with a guy and realizing you like him so much more than you knew and asking him back out.
It ended all good with Tony 'cause he said yes when I asked him back out(thank God, he was a sweetheart).
And so was Stu but I went out with him for the wrong reasons. Hiding from Isaac, trying to 'fix'
his family problems, trying to find "love" in the wrong place. I thought if I dated him, I would
make all his "problems" go away and make him happy. But he seemed happy without me and all I did
was hurt him, he has to fix his own problems, I can't do it for him. New Years Eve was wonderful
though, if only all nights could be like that(but then I'd miss Traders and start killing ppl).
All I can say is:
I'M SORRY!!! Good thing that no one will ever find this. Unless someone gets as bored as I do(which is
highly unlikely)and starts looking for a secret link. I might tell a few ppl there's a secret
link on my page. meL has a brain, she might find it, she told me where her online journal was(I wonder
why she took that down?).
But the real issue in my life: Isaac!
I don't even know if he knows that Stu and I broke up. Hell, I don't even know if Jo knows,
Regina knows. Maybe Regina will say something, but probably not. I told Regina I wasn't doing
anything and I'm not. I'm not the approaching type person, I'd rather they come to me. Let's face
it! I'm a shy, cowardly dumbass who wouldn't know a good thing if it kicked me in the ass!
I like Isaac and everything but this whole thing between us has been fucked up from the beginning.
And it's all my god damn fault. *I* had to open *MY* big mouth and say "Let's go tell Isaac that
Patricia wants to sleep with him." And then it all went to hell! Now everyone knows and everyone
was bugging me but then I went out with Stu. Oh My God!
REVELATION: Did I go out with Stu to escape all the shit with Isaac? I wasn't settling, I wasn't
actually choosing, I was RUNNING! I was HIDING! I wanted everything with Isaac to be quiet. To
some of the retards at McDonalds, work is play, but for me work is work, a job is a job, a nice
reference letter, some skills, and a nice line on my resume. I didn't want anyone saying anything,
I didn't want any suspicious "is he favouring her?" shit, I didn't want any "ew! Isaac?"s or "Why
are you dating him? you could do so better!"s. I was jealous when everyone was oohing and aahing
over Nicki and Rory but I don't think I would've wanted that with Isaac. I got enough of it with
Stu and believe me that was ENOUGH!
But anyways, I've figured that out, but there's still the doubt of 'it probably wouldn't've
worked out'. I wanted spontaniety and not the type that Isaac has. I don't get off work on New
Year's Eve and drive to Edmonton, I get bored and talk to ppl on the phone and make a few calls and
have some friends come over to watch a movie. And as for that movie night, I wanted to go sit on
Stu's lap and give him hug or whatever(no more details for you)but all I could think of was "what
about Isaac?" but I guaran-damn-tee you that if it was Isaac, I would've went for it in a heart beat.
That all goes back to the whole liking Isaac more than Stu(I honestly hope Stu never finds this, but
he doesn't even know my main address so how could he?).
Let's get the facts:
*I don't know Isaac, he doesn't know me. Fine we work together, sometimes we have a convo about
similar interests, that's it.
*Isaac's 18, I'm 16(the same age as his sister) and that puts a HUGE damper on things. Believe
it or not, never thought I'd say this, but age does make a difference.
*Isaac thinks I'm all mature and independant and he calls me a woman. Sorry to burst his bubble
but I can disprove that theory in a second(just be with me when I watch Moulin Rouge, it's quite
scary).
*As far as I can tell, Isaac likes one-on-one deals(this is a GUESS, remember, I don't know the guy)
and I'm for big group things. Or double dates with Nicki&Kyle(but I don't know about Kyle anymore).
*I will probably hate his friends and he knows this and it doesn't seem to bother him but I
don't know if he'll hate my friends and that does bother me! My friends are everything to me, they
help define who I am. My boyfriend HAS to like my friends.
It all comes down to one thing:
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!!
Like always!
Anyway, it's quite late(3:09am)and I would like to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow, I'll discuss
my whole liking older men thing(Oh God, I keep seeing Daryl's car at Lacombe Ford, and it's freaking
me out, EEK).
