There are times in life when you crave a deep connection with another human being so badly you feel physical pain. The aftermath of this craving is different for everyone. For me? I feel like being alone, completely alone with no contact to the outside world. After doing that for a copule days, I start to go crazy. I start doubt all my connections with my friends and wondering if anyone actually likes me.
I'm selfish, I hate getting blown off. I wish I could find someone that I come first to. I thought I could find that in Mike. He was sweet because he put up with all my shit and just kept asking for more. I don't have a single clue who he is. The majority of the time we've known each other, we've been apart. We went out for five months but two of those months we were in different provinces. I'm dating a total stranger, I'm like an internet ordered girlfriend. I thought I didn' tknow Stu but after telling Jo about him, I know more than I thought.
I've always pictured James as a friend. When I try to think of him as anything more, I see him as a kid. I see him as a four foot tall kid who's driven everywhere by his mom. What the hell? He's 15, in grade ten(and just stuffing his schedule), and he's only an inch or two shorter than me. And I'm driven everywhere by my mom, I need to shut the hell up.
Honestly, I don't think I really want to date anyone right now. That's never happened before. I dunno maybe I'm just saying that. I really don't think I should. I fuck up everything and I make tonnes of mistakes. I just don't know!
Now about Isaac. Why did I like him? It was a combination of a bunch of things. But I don't anymore. My feelings towards him are now like hey were when I first started working there: annoyance witha little bit of hatred and pity because he's such a loser. But now I have a little bit more tolerance. I can slo see how big of an asshole he really is.
After what I've done to Mike, maybe I should just sacrifice my happiness for his. I feel guilty 'cause he's so happy we're together and all I can think of is dumping him. He said before that I'd tell him I liked him one week and then totally blow him off the next. Which is what I want to do now.
