I hate the fact that I feel like I have to compete with LIndsay. I hate her so much but I just want her to like me. Damn you craving for acceptance, damn you to hell. It's like "look at me! Love me! She's a bitch, love me instead. I do not hold grudges, I do not judge, my opinions of people can change!"
I don't understand at all. I've never had someone hate me and not have the chance to get them to like me. We use to be friends, what the hell?!
I hate being selfish. I always want to come first. Me, me, me , ME! I don't come first with anyone. Kyle puts Nicki first, Kyle puts Trisha second, I come somewhere after dirt.
No one gives a flying shit about me. If I have a headache, no one shuts up for me. If I'm sick, no one skips class to drive me home. If I cry during a song, no one comes and holds me. I'm just the one everyone steps on. "Hi! How are you? I'm a doormat, feel free to walk all over me. Make sure to wipe off all the shit on your shoes on me. Thanks!"
I hate depending on people. Make me laugh, make me feel happy by accepting me, drive me to some pace because I can't do it myself.
I don't understand what Lindsay has and I don't. Everyone likes her and I'm just the chick who's friends with Nicki and Trisha.
Why do I push people away when I really actually want them around? Is it because I hate admitting that I need people, that I depend on them? I don't know. I have no certainty.
THEORY: I want to be a psychologist because then it'd be easier to figure out why I'm so fucked up.
I don't feel like myself. I feel guilty for being selfish, for complaining about my life. Others have it far worse and when they soemtimes rub it in your face, you feel lower than dirt! What can I say? Sometimes I despise being me. Ugly, fat, whiny, selfish, clingy, insecure, ill tempered. I suck, quite horribly.
Life is shit, especially mine. Poor insecure little girl.
All I have to cling to is my music. I have never felt a connection with anything like the one I have to music. It's spiritual, speaks the truth, sings to the soul.
