“There are delusions, some of which are centuries old, which endure despite overwhelming evidence against them, evidence available to anyone with an honest interest in verifying or falsifying his convictions. They testify to the power of the will to believe what one prefers, rather than accept the verdict of unaccommodating reality.” - Unknown
In the summer of 1977 I became a born-again
Christian. I sincerely prayed the sinners prayer
and asked Jesus into my heart. That experience, more than any other single
event, shaped much of the next 25 years of my life.
Sometime during the year of 2002 or 2003, I became an ex-Christian (extian for
short). I can’t narrow down the time period more because it was a process (one
that I initially resisted and fought against), not a single event. To some,
this may seem akin to changing your Doctor or your brand of ice cream, but to
those that have dedicated their lives (emotions, time, energy, money, talent,
hopes, etc.) to Christianity this is a very BIG thing.
Those who instantly reacted to the above paragraph with thoughts like: “he was
probably never really a Christian”, or “he simply wants freedom to sin” can
stop reading at this point. You’ve probably already rationalized away my
experience sufficiently to make yourself comfortable, so there’s no point in
your reading further. A closed mind is a closed mind, and no words I
write will change that.
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Purpose of this Document
For those that are still reading and really want to understand my experience
I’ll try to explain it as clearly and honestly as I can. Why am I writing
this? What happened? Who influenced me? What am I now? These
are the questions I hope to answer with this article.
I’m not writing this for my own sake (as I’m currently as satisfied with my
life as I’ve ever been), but for the sake of Christian friends and family that
care for me and are likely to have a hard time understanding what happened. I’m
also writing this for others that may be in the midst of the deconversion
process themselves. I know firsthand that it’s an emotionally difficult
process to have your world turned upside down and knowing that others (there
are really far more extians than most Christians realize) have been through it
is comforting.
This is not intended to be an attack of Christianity (though I don’t hide the
questions/thinking that occurred in my mind during this process) or an apologetic
of some new belief system I have, but primarily the story of my own personal
experience. This will be a long story, because it was a long process.
I’ll start early in my own life to cover both the process of becoming a
Christian and the process of leaving it. For without both parts of the
story, readers that didn’t know me well may too easily discount my sincerity as
a Christian. After having devoted 25 years of my life to knowing and
serving Christ I find that suggestion insulting. I don’t mind being told
I’m wrong (as we’re all sometimes wrong about things), but I do mind any
inference that I spent 25 years of my life pretending. I esteem truth and
honesty too much to allow a judgment like that to go unchallenged.
The Conversion Process
One of my earliest memories is crawling around on the floor between the pews in
the little Baptist church we
attended. At the age of 3 or 4, I didn’t understand much about Christian
doctrine or Jesus, but I clearly sensed that they were both very
important. So at a young age, my indoctrination into a Christian belief
system started.
Over the next 10 - 12 years of my life, church attendance was sporadic at
best. Most Sundays were spent playing, working, or watching an occasional
TV preacher that caught my attention (my Mom regularly watched them). But
the concept of there being a God and the importance of the Bible and Jesus were
still present in my mind and home.
In my middle teen years, my curiosity of spiritual things and the big questions
started to increase. Since the Bible was the only religious book around
our home, I naturally started trying to read it (on several occasions).
But without someone telling me what it meant, I didn’t get much out of my
initial efforts.
When I was 16, a Youth Pastor/Intern came to our neighborhood church. He
invited me to their youth group, and after repeated encouragements from my
Mother I decided to go. Though it seemed a little weird at first, the
people, music, and teaching created a pleasant experience for me. My best
friend had moved away 2 years earlier and several of my other friends were
drifting more distant, so the additional social contacts were nice. You
could say I was lonely that summer and the youth group provided the social
network I wanted. This social network, I now believe, is the primary
reason most people join churches and adopt the belief systems promoted within
them.
After several weeks of hearing about sin and our need for forgiveness, driving
home one night from a youth meeting I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt (I
now look back at it as emotional manipulation, but then I felt it was real and
needed immediate action). So, according to what I’d understood after a
few meetings I asked Jesus to forgive me and come into my life. It was a
tearful heartfelt experience done with as much sincerity as anything I’ve ever
done in my life. The next week I told the Youth Pastor about what
happened. He took me aside and carefully explained the 4 spiritual laws to make sure I really
understood what becoming a Christian meant. Then he had me say the
sinners prayer again, just to make sure. The sense of peace and joy were
tremendous. I felt that I was now a new creation, ready to live the rest
of my life as a Christian.
At the time I was assured that the spiritual/emotional sensation I felt was
from God. People repeatedly confirmed that notion, by saying it was the
Holy Spirit in my heart. Later in life I discovered that people of all
faiths (and even no faith) can experience the same spiritual/emotional
feelings, though they are generally described with different terminology (e.g.
Mormons call it the “burning in the bosom”).
The spiritual/emotional experience was quickly followed by the realities of
life. Soon I was back in High School, surrounded by non-Christian
friends, and the Youth Pastor left to finish his schooling. The next
couple years were a bit of a spiritual roller coaster for me. While weeks
of Bible camp (indoctrination), youth retreats, or scripture memory competition
would bring me up, there were also periods of declines in my faith when doubts
and questions arose. I faithfully read the New Testament and large
sections of the Old Testament during this time and earnestly tried to draw
close to God, but at times God simply felt distant or absent.
In my 3rd year of college I made a firm rededication of my life to
God that steadfastly stuck for the next 20 years. One night, alone in my
car, desperately wanting to experience closeness with God, I cried out for God
to show me he was real. I remember saying that “Thomas doubted and was
given real proof”, why couldn’t I be given some? At that moment the verse
2 Corinthians 5:7 “For we walk by faith, not by sight” came into my mind.
I instantly grasped that as a miraculous message from God (though I now
consider it a normal psychological experience given that I’d memorized the
verse previously and was under great emotional stress). After that
moment, I moved forward as a reinvigorated committed Christian, with all former
doubts and unanswered questions forever gone (or so I thought).
Was I Really a Christian?
The next phase of my life would best describe me as a maturing devoted
Christian. I was by nature a fairly disciplined person, so the practices
of daily devotional Bible reading, prayer, and spiritual journaling generally
came fairly easy for me. I studied the Bible seriously and memorized
hundreds of verses (daily reviewing them at work so I’d have instant
recall). I’d often read large sections of the Bible in a short period of
time (reading the entire New Testament one weekend) because of my hunger to
know and draw near to God. Prayer or singing praise songs while driving
in my car, were common habits for me.
Church leaders apparently spotted some potential in me so they encouraged me in
various areas of ministry and actively sought to help me grow. I met with
leaders regularly and, in addition to my regular Bible reading, I was also
encouraged to read numerous good Christian books. Those read included
books by CS Lewis (virtually all), Francis Schaeffer (complete works), RC
Sproul, AW Tozier, AW Pink, Martin Luther, JI Packer, Josh McDowell, etc.,
etc. I also read various classic devotional books (e.g. “Imitation of
Christ”, “What Would Jesus Do”, “In His Steps”), and entire volumes of the
classic Matthew Henry bible commentaries. This intense indoctrination
period made me a decent Apologist eager to defend the faith against others, but
it also served to further squelch those previously unanswered questions and
doubts without really addressing them.
By my late 20’s, I was near the top of leadership in a large conservative Evangelical church, serving in
several important ministry roles (even considering full-time ministry). I
truly believed
in everything that I was a part of and loved God with all my heart, mind, and
soul. I was happy during that phase of my life. Who wouldn’t
be? I knew with certitude that I had the ultimate truth and would spend
eternity in heaven. I had many good Christian friends, people respected
and admired me, and I was always involved in fulfilling ministry
opportunities. Life was good. There was no reason on earth I
would want to change things.
Perhaps a few snippets from my spiritual journals will provide a glimpse into
my mind/soul during this period:
10/26/87 – Jesus knows what is
in a man. He knows my doubts, my hurts, my motivations, my covetousness,
my love, my hate. He doesn’t need me to say “You see Jesus, this is the
way men are…”, because he already knows. He too lived as a man.
What a comfort it is to have a personal Savior!
1/17/89 – Moses command to the people was to “stand firm, do not be afraid …
The Lord will fight for you.” What a way to respond to trials! Help
me Lord to respond to my life’s difficulties and trials in this way.
11/25/96 – God is omnipresent. When I feel alone, He is there with
me. When I’ve done something stupid, He is there with me. When I’m
happy, He is there with me. When I’m sad, He is there with me. When
I go to the mountains … ocean, He is there with me. When I pray, He is
there with me. When I think God has forsaken me, He is there with me.
I write the above things, not to boast about how great I was, but to
demonstrate that my faith and my relationship with Christ were the center of my
life. I was just as devout, earnest, and committed in my faith as any
other Christian you’ve probably met (including yourself) or will meet.
If, as some would like to believe, I couldn’t really have been a Christian,
then how, may I ask, can anyone know that they (or their Pastors, spouse,
parents, children, favorite author, etc.) are? If I wasn’t a Christian
then I deceived not only my family and friends, but my Pastors, Elders,
accountability group members, entire congregations, and even myself for over 20
years. If I wasn’t a Christian, then what, pray tell, makes anyone a
Christian? If it’s not believing
with all your heart in who Jesus was and what he did for you on the cross,
committing your life to loving and obeying Him, and striving daily (even moment
by moment) to have an intimate personal relationship with Him, then what does
it mean to be a Christian? If I could be self-deceived for all those
years, then maybe you too (if you still consider yourself a Christian) are
deceived, maybe no one is really a Christian.
Exposure to Other Christians
In late 1995, family and job circumstances resulted in our moving away from the
area where my wife (a wonderful Christian girl I married right after my senior
year of college) and I had our 3 biological children. It was sad to leave
the area where we’d known and ministered too and with so many wonderful people
for the past 12 years, but after much prayer and discussion we felt it was
according to Gods leading. The next 4 or 5 years, at least from our
perspective, seemed pretty much like a continuation of the previous 12. I
continued in ministry, primarily leading worship (turning down another
Eldership role), and remained convinced the claims of Christianity were true.
But some things slowly started to change in the way I viewed Christianity.
Our previous 12 years had consisted of a pretty homogeneous group of Christian
contacts, now we were meeting and spending time with Christians of a slightly
different flavor.
They still held to the fundamental essentials of the faith (e.g. personal
relationship, deity of Christ, virgin birth, resurrection, atonement for sin,
Bible inerrancy, etc.), but there were differences that caused me to start
questioning again. Some of these people would be considered extreme
literalists, some held “odd” end-time views, some
questioned the rightful role of paid clergy vs. lay ministers, some emphasized
a young earth creation view, some worshiped in homes vs. church buildings, some
believed in the prophetic gifts, some didn’t believe in the prophetic gifts,
some spoke in tongues, etc., etc. None of these differing views of
doctrinal issues, on their own, had any notable effect on me, but combined they
implanted the question in my mind about how one could know that they interpret
the Bible correctly.
People Really Are Very Credulous
In the late 1990’s, two things happened that caused me to conclude that most
people are very credulous (I mean that as a human trait, not an insult).
The first, was the start of the Urban Legend e-mail phenomenon. For the
first time in history, stories/myths/rumors (that long ago moved slowly from
village to village by word of mouth) rapidly spread throughout the world as
e-mails were passed from friend to friend to friend. What was most
shocking about this to me, was that almost no one seemed to made any effort to
check the truthfulness or falsehood of an e-mail before forwarding it. I
don’t consider these people stupid for forwarding things (I may have even
succumbed to it a few times myself), they were simply human. And humans
tend to trust their friends. So if X sent this to me, then it must by
true because X is my friend and he doesn’t lie. And that’s how the
unending chain of false rumors spread. Similar to what probably happened
in the first two centuries of Christianity.
The second thing that convinced me of peoples credulousness in the late 1990’s,
was the Y2K computer scare. In late 1998, I attended a community meeting
(I was invited by a friend because I’m a computer Engineer) with a guest
speaker that was quite fearful of what might happen when computer clocks around
the world turned over to the year 2000. The speaker had tons of
supposedly solid evidence of a pending disaster and warned us all to start
preparing our survival gear before the public panic began. I pretty much
wrote the speaker off as a nut-case with too much time on his hands (as I
instantly recognized some of his claims as extremely improbable or even
impossible).
But my exposure to the Y2K fear-mongering, didn’t end that night. In fact,
I began hearing more and more about it, even from previously highly respected
Christian leaders on TV and radio. So I undertook the project of reading
virtually everything I could read about the subject and trying to offer a voice
of reason to people. I started writing a sort of Y2K e-mail newsletter
that ended up getting distributed all around the country to 1000’s of
people.
One Sunday afternoon, while watching a highly respected Christian minister
giving a sermon on the Y2K threat, I was shocked to hear him confidently assert
error after error and spread countless half-truths. Since by now I was
truly an expert on the sermon subject, I knew instantly that this minister had
definitely not done any serious study or research before giving his sermon.
He obviously listened to a few “trusted” sources and spread the misinformation
he’d been told as if it were a message directly from God. If he had been
the only one, I would have soon forgot, but there were numerous respected
Christian leaders acting like chicken-little. The thought that filled my
head each time I heard or read one of them was “how can I ever trust them on
spiritual matters, which they assert are true, when it’s clear to me that they
also assert things I know to be falsehoods?” If they don’t do adequate
study before preaching/writing about Y2K, why should I trust that they do
adequate study before preaching/writing about spiritual matters?
I realize that not every Christian leader was duped by the Y2K
fear-mongers. But enough of them were to support my conclusion that most
people are pretty credulous. And this is especially true when you add
fear to the equation. Fear and sound logical thinking usually don’t go
together. Fear of the unknown or the concept of hell has the same effect
on logic.
These 2 things led me to question my previous faith in church leaders (both
current and in the early church when the Bible was canonized). But until
I was over the busyness Y2K imposed on my life (reading, writing, and debating)
I didn’t give it much thought.
The Questions Begin
Sometime in 1999 or 2000, I heard for the first time a man that I long knew as
a serious Christian had left the church. My entire Christian life, that
concept had never even remotely seemed like a possibility. Sure I’d
witnessed people give their testimonies and then fade away a few months later
into their former sin filled lifestyle, but they were easy to discount as mere
backsliders or they never really understood Christianity. This time it
was different. The man who left, hadn’t divorced his wife, gone into
alcoholism, or a homosexual lifestyle, apparently he had simply become
convinced that the Christian beliefs he’d held for 25+ years were false and no
longer tenable. Though I saw him once at a birthday party, after hearing
this, I never discussed it with him. Still the question of what possibly
could be wrong with him (or what did he know that I didn’t know) entered my
mind.
In addition to this first man, I also became aware of at least 3 other people
(long term committed Christians) that had left the faith. One I heard
about was a Wycliffe
missionary out in the field, when he started his deconversion
process. Though I didn’t hear his name and full story at the time or
until after I too left the faith, I’ve since discovered who he was and had
contact with him. Our experiences (the questions we had and the process
we went through) were actually quite similar.
With Y2K behind me, I finally had time to start evaluating my experiences of
the past few years. The questions came rapidly this time, and ignoring
them wasn’t an option.
I remember one evening in Spring of 2000 taking a walk with my wife. The
questions had been bottled up inside my own mind and prayers, but finally I had
to express them to somebody. I can’t remember the exact words, but
basically they were along these lines: “What if we are wrong?” “How can I
be so certain I can trust that the early leaders of the church selected the
right books for the Bible, when current church leaders argue and make mistakes
all the time?” “How can I be confident that so many other seemingly
sincere, intelligent, decent people in other religious faiths are wrong and I
am right?”
In June of 2000, I made the following entries in my journal:
I'm adrift in the ocean of the Christian
religion. For over 20 years I've been a Christian. I've read,
prayed, studied, been devout in performing all the right things, but over the
past couple years something has changed. I find myself questioning the
basis of my faith. Am I a Calvinist? Am I an Armenian?
Do I believe in the literal or figurative interpretation of this passage or
that passage? How much is the translated version of the Bible I use
tainted by the cultural influences and sinful nature of the translators?
Which Greek manuscripts are really the correct ones?
… At times I've been in emotional turmoil over these issues. At other times,
I try to ignore them, but the questions keep returning. I want to know
God with all my heart, soul, and mind, but I'm having a hard time separating
who God is from who man has said He is.
… I no longer want to avoid doubts, but face my pursuit of truth head on.
If a Christian's faith is so fragile that exposure to other ideas in the world
causes it to crumble, then I'd question the validity of that faith. Many
Fundamentalist think it is necessary to isolate themselves (and shut off their
minds to outside thoughts) or they will be corrupted. But if God is the
God of truth, then the pursuit of truth is good and right. Blind easy
believism of Fundamentalist doctrines (simply because someone respected has
told you they are true) no longer has any appeal to me at all. My faith
will either grow stronger or totally collapse.
Time For A Little Study
Initially, I thought all I needed was some clarification and I’d been
fine. Some intense Bible study, a few apologetics books, and some prayer
should clear things up for me, I thought. It was like I had a case of the
flu and just needed the right spiritual medicine.
One event that Summer that stood out, came during a sermon. For a few
days, my Pastor and I had been discussing an end-times related doctrinal issue
(one I felt he emphasized to dogmatically, not allowing grace for diverse views
historically held by some Christians) and he addressed it during his
sermon. At one point of his sermon, he looked right at me and referring
to books that taught alternate end-time views to his own labeled them as
dangerous and basically said something to the effect of “Christians shouldn’t
read those kind of books.” I had an instant flash-back to a conversation
with a Mormon long ago, where the Mormon said their leaders tell them not to
read those books that are critical of Mormonism. I had told the Mormon,
that seemed like mind control (not allowing exposure to anything contrary to
approved doctrine), and now here I was experiencing the same attempt at mind
control from an Evangelical Christian Pastor. What if I had been raised
Mormon, should I take that kind of advice from their leaders?
In the Fall, I started a parallel study of the 4 Gospels, to convince myself
that they gave a consistent account of Jesus life. Using Internet
resources (i.e. Greek Lexicons and multi-version searchable Bibles) I spent
many hours reading, searching, and thinking. What I discovered was that
there were numerous inconsistencies. Sure I could explain them away using
creative interpretations and grammatical gymnastics, but if I didn’t assume
they were inerrant it made more sense. It seemed much more probable that
there were indeed human generated errors, rather than that my creative
explanations were true. I certainly expected that God would have the
ability to create more unambiguous and consistent written documents for mankind
(especially if our eternal destinies depended on them).
After buying several apologetics books, I started in earnest to convince myself
once again of the truths of Christianity. The first two were: “The Canon
of Scripture” – FF Bruce and “The Case
for Christ” – Lee Strobel. I figured these would address two of my
concerns. First, that we have the right books in our Bible, and second
that I properly understood who Christ was. I was greatly disappointed in
both books. While Bruce’s was very scholarly sounding, it basically came
down to “these are the right books because those that were in
religious-political power during the 4th century said they
were.” I also learned a lot about how much controversy there was
regarding which books to include. Strobel’s book was an even bigger
disappointment. While I hoped for a courtroom type debate, all I got was
a one-sided presentation of dogma that didn’t always seem to use sound
logic. Stobel was no more asking tough questions than a defense attorney
asks his own client on the witness stand.
About this same time I came across a verse in Proverbs and a quote that really
struck me.
"The
first person to speak in court always seems right until his opponent begins to
question him" - Proverbs 18:17
"The only way in which a human being
can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what
can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all
modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever
acquired his wisdom in any mode but this" - John Stuart Mill
I realized that I had only heard one view represented in the court of
truth. As a credulous 16 year-old youth, I heard a Youth Pastor present
his case and I accepted it without any study or questioning. I had been
sufficiently indoctrinated as a youth to merely accept what I was told.
The next 20+ years were basically listening only to collaborators, never any
serious cross examination. I had not read a single book that promoted
evolution (only creationist books that attacked it). I had not read a
single book that presented a case for Atheism (only Christian belittlements of
their intellect). I had not read a single book for Judaism, Islam,
Hinduism, Buddhism, or a host of other non-Christian perspectives. I
certainly had not pursued knowing the whole of the subject of Christianity, as
John Stuart Mill recommends.
So at this point I decided that if truth is more important to me than dogma
(and I felt it was) then I must be willing to hear opponents challenge my own
long-held belief system.
The Search For Truth Continues
"If you would be a real seeker after truth,
you must at least once in your life doubt, as far as possible, all
things." Rene
Descartes, Discours de la Méthode. 1637.
I didn’t want to leave Christianity. I didn’t want to admit that I could
have been wrong for over 20 years. Though I had committed myself to
finding the truth by allowing the cross examination of my own belief system, I
had no idea how much time that would entail, nor did I expect the end result.
I spent some time reading articles about Greek Orthodoxy, Roman Catholicism,
and Judaism. I read books about the first few centuries of Christianity
and discovered that the doctrinal differences we see today pale to the vast
differences that existed then (each group claiming they were the true
followers of Christ). I saw that key doctrines actually evolved over
several hundred years. I read books about early manuscripts and discovered
subtle differences that affect key doctrines I’d long been assured were
true. I read on-line debates about various theological issues (e.g.
resurrection of Christ, inspiration of the Bible, etc.) A few more
pro-Christian apologetics books (this time using the resources of the Internet
to read counter arguments), and my doubts only intensified.
The first actual anti-Christian book I read was “Atheism: The Case Against
God”, by George Smith. I figured it would be easy for me to see through
the logical flaws (as Atheism was not even considered remotely feasible by
myself at this point) since I’d become quite good at dissecting apologetic
arguments. To my surprise, the book completely shot down my own arguments
for God’s existence (which I had still thought were solid). While it
didn’t convince me Atheism was true, it certainly made a serious dent in my
faiths body armor.
The next year or so, I kind of oscillated between considering myself a moderate
Christian or an agnostic Deist. I still highly valued the moral aspects
of Christian teaching and wanted to love God, but the supernatural parts of
Jesus works in the Bible were becoming untenable.
I remember thinking that if someone today came and told me a person walked
across the water, I wouldn’t believe him without significant additional
evidence. I understand the laws of Physics sufficiently to know that such
a feat cannot be done without some sort of floatation device or
suspension. If the person telling me hadn’t seen it firsthand, I’d simply
shrug it off as hearsay (urban legend). If the person claimed to have
seen it firsthand, I’d question either his honesty, drug/alcohol usage, or
eyesight (knowing that eye witnesses are often wrong or inconsistent in
reporting what they saw). If there were collaborating witnesses, I’d
start to consider the claim worthy of further examination. I’d want to
have some sort of experienced skeptic examine the details to see if any
trickery was used and I’d also try to see a repeat performance of the event
myself. In other words, I would require extraordinary evidence for an
extraordinary claim. However, if I lived thousands of years ago in a
superstitious pre-scientific society, I probably would have believed the claim,
as myths of miraculous things were commonly spread and believed then.
As my study continued, I discovered Jesus teachings weren’t nearly as original
as I’d previously thought. I found that other religious leaders claims
(even recently) and their feats had often been greatly exaggerated well beyond
reality by overzealous followers. Then there were the earlier stories of
virgin born god-men and resurrected people, which were commonly believed and
accepted by the credulous pre-scientific people back then. Too many
extraordinary claims and too little evidence.
If God wanted to communicate with mankind, couldn’t He be a little more
frequent and direct? How come Jesus never made any mention of the coming New
Testament? If evil was a necessary byproduct to give us the free choice to love
God, then will evil exist in heaven or will we not have free choice? Are we
really expected to dig through the morass of legends and manuscripts to
determine what really happened and what was merely the creation of credulous
overzealous followers? On and on the questions went, with no satisfactory
answers available (other than choose to believe without any evidence).
Time To Face Facts
"I'm no longer prepared to accept what
people say and what's written in books, I must think things out for myself, and
try to find my own answer." - Ibsen
During the Winter of 2003, I finally realized that I couldn’t suppress the
obvious conclusion that I was no longer a Christian. All hopes of
clinging onto the edge of Christianity, perhaps in a main-stream or liberal
denomination, or any other branch of Christianity, were over. The
questions in my mind had become doubts and the doubts had become solid
unbelief. Unbelief that Jesus was who today’s Christians say he
was. Unbelief that the Bible is uniquely better than all other books to give
me insight into truth. Unbelief that God would act in the ways anonymous
authors from 1000’s of years ago say He acted. Unbelief that kind loving
people I knew who didn’t happen to hold certain doctrinal beliefs deserved
eternal punishment in order to somehow gratify an omnipotent deity. Unbelief.
“I'll go with science's evidence without
certainty over religion's certainty without evidence” - Unknown
“What do I believe now?”, you may be asking. I’m a lot less clear on what
I do believe than I am on what I don’t believe. I don’t believe
Christianity, but that doesn’t mean I have to instantly replace it with some
alternative belief system which answers everything. Though certitude in
thinking you know something (right or wrong) may provide comfort to some
people, I’ve found that I can have great peace while realizing that there are a
lot of things I don’t know and will never know. I thrive on the freedom
to explore whatever philosophical, religious, or scientific issues interests me
without preconceived notions that whatever doesn’t fit into worldview XYZ can’t
possibly be true.
“When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I
feel bad, and that is my religion” – Abraham Lincoln
I still basically live according to the same moral ideals that I’ve held all my
life (before, during, and now after Christianity). I was raised and
conditioned with those ideals and they are more ingrained into me than any
mystical belief system. Honesty, kindness, charity, and love are good
things and I strive to model them in my life. I am generally happy,
joyful, eager to tackle life’s challenges, committed to my wife (who, through
her own process of questions and evaluation, happily joins me in unbelief) and
kids, and full of love for life.
“What if I’m wrong?”, you ask. I would suggest you read about the logical fallacies of
Pascal’s Wager, because the same question could be asked of you regarding
other religions.