The previous article was written in 1999. At the time I was off of medication and doing ok. I stayed off medication until early 2002 when I got back into graduate school and the symptoms of my depression came back full force. I wish I knew why the reoccurring role of school and being in school trigged the depression. I have to assume it's stress related. Regardless, I had to start the meds again in 2002, and I've been off the anti-depressants since 2003, but not over the medication that allows me to sleep. There are times where I find myself in the dark places, the places where I feel like I have to run away because I can't get a grip on reality or deal with anything reality based. Since I moved from Baltimore I've only had an episode once and it was minor. There were many times in early 2004 where I felt like just filling up the tank, grabbing my husband and getting the fuck out of dodge.

My therapist over 2002-2004 was excellent in trying to make me understand that other people cannot have that much power over me. That if they are fucked up and have their own issues, I cannot let their meanness, their hatred, their ignorance infect me and make me feel like less of a person. And it's very true. If you look around at the reasons why you are miserable, it is not the other people that make you miserable, it is how you react to them that puts you in the state you are in. My mom used to tell me all the time, "life isn't fair." No, it's not, but you either sink or swim. You either find a way to deal with life and the shit that comes along with it, or why fucking bother you know? Reality isn't all peaches and sunshine, it is a cruel world out there, that is reality. Reality is that we do not live in Whoville, there are some stupid, annoying, ignorant and dangerous people out there. We just have to do our best to stay above water, to try and be considerate of each other and to not let others misery infect us. Easier said then done of course.

Unfortunately when you are in a position where you take orders from others, whether they are your boss, your parent, anyone, it makes you feel like you can't change things, you can't control things. To me, that is a hard thing to deal with. I've always had an independent mind, I do not like being told what to do and I do not go along with the grain. This has caused me a lot of conflict in my life. And there are people that I get along with like oil and water, that I have to have contact with and there have been times where I have come close to packing my shit up and high-tailing it out of the state. I had a breakdown in mid-2004 where everything felt like it was crashing down on me. I felt suffocated and trapped and I totally flipped out in the car driving home that night. When you suffer from depression, anxiety is like your invisible friend who you don't want to play with. But anxiety comes and steals that last thread of sanity you have left. Luckily it only lasted for one night. But I have not felt that bad in a really long time and it really scared me shitless. I felt so trapped that the only thing I could do was get out, run away. And I couldn't and that made the feeling even worse. Luckily I had the sense to turn to my old tricks to find sanity.

This occasion happened to be an old favorite, "Weight" by the Rollins Band. I turned to that album back in 1995 when dealing with some heavy adolescent feelings of anger, resentment and disappointment after the break-up with my high school boyfriend. The first song on the album "Disconnect" really help put my bullshit in perspective this time. And you know what, that is what it takes sometimes, to look above yourself, beyond yourself and realize that you are causing this pain because you are letting other people drag you down. You think they give a shit that you are crying? You think they care that you feel this miserable? They are so wrapped up in their own shit, you don't even cross their mind. So you are really going to give someone the satisfaction, give them that much power that they can make you feel like that? No fucking way.

I guess growing older I understand what I need to do to align my shit. Right now, that doesn't involve anti-depressants, but does involve Trazadone so I can sleep without every thought in the universe keeping me awake at night. I am a little nutz without anti-depressants, but I am me. I would rather be slightly crazy than be devoid of feeling and emotion. If we are devoid of emotion we are powerless. I would rather make life-long changes, changes in perspective, but I know if the time comes, when my nerves are raw and everything said makes the tears start to flow, I have no other choice. I am not going to let depression and misery overtake me, regardless of how bad things may get sometimes. I took a huge step in 2004, I left everything I've ever known and moved from MD to NC to start over. My husband and I were so burnt on MD, I hated my job, he lost his, we just need a huge change. If that's what it takes, you owe it to yourself to do it, to make that change. Even if you might be poor for a little while, or uncomfortable, step out, make that decision. Your health is not worth staying in a situation where you are miserable. Always remember that you hold power over your own life. If you feel powerless, try and change it. You cannot expect people to change around you. Be brave and get it done. I did and I feel a fuck of a lot better for it.