Guilty
“Alec?”
For a moment I felt alone and scared, but then I got a grip on myself. I opened my eyes and assessed the situation.
I was in Alec’s apartment, lying on his bed. The blankets were drawn up to my chin. A bowl of bloody water and a stained washcloth lay on the nightstand. I realized that Alec had cleaned my wounds. But where he was currently, I had no idea.
“Alec.” I called louder.
My voice still sounded strained to my ears. I vaguely remembered one of the soldiers trying to strangle me before the others convinced him that his method of killing was not painful enough. I figured that must be the reason why I was having so much trouble speaking.
“Alec.” I tried again.
Still, there was no answer. I bit my lip in determination as I decided to get up and look for him. My teeth dug into the skin of my lip as I tried to move. The skin split as I put weight on my feet and tried to stand. I cried out as my legs folded under my weight. I barely managed to catch the bed and keep myself from hitting the floor. Instead, I slowly lowered myself to the ground where I stayed, tears in my eyes from the pain. I hated this helplessness. What if Alec or Kira needed me?
That thought sent a new wave of determination through me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, clutched the bed frame, and used it to pull myself back to my feet. Slowly, ever so slowly, I took a step towards the door. I could taste the blood from my lip and it brought memories to the fore of my mind.
Blood. There was so much blood. None of it mine, but I still felt like it was oozing from me. This was my doing, all this blood. I wondered what I should feel. No, I shouldn’t feel at all. I should report back that I had completed my mission.
I wiped my bloody hands on my pants and walked away.
I blinked slowly, riding myself of that memory. I’d noticed that whenever I was hurt or unconscious I tended to have flashbacks. Something about the pain, the cold, the numbness, the dark; it brought back Manticore.
I took another agonizing step, reaching the end of the bed. I mustered my strength, knowing that my next step would take me away from the support of the bed. I closed my eyes again. I would go on the count of three. I would take that step and ultimately I would reach the door. I slowly counted to three and pushed away from the bed. I took a few quick steps toward the door before I felt my legs giving way. I took a few more stumbling steps so that I could fall against the door frame. I let myself slide to the floor, my breath coming out as a hiss from between clenched teeth. God, did I hurt!
“Alec.” I croaked through the pain, looking out across the apartment.
He wasn’t there. The apartment was empty. I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the door frame.
I wasn’t going to pass out. Not this time. I was just going to rest for a little while before I went to look for Alec. I kept repeating that in my brain. But I dropped out of consciousness anyway.
I glanced back at the man I had just robbed, saw him reach for his wallet, and discover it gone. He frantically searched for the missing article, but obviously he didn’t find it. It was securely in my possession.
The man turned to his female companion, probably his wife, and began to tell her what had happened. She began very upset and he looked like he was about to cry. His helplessness made her even more upset and she began to yell loud enough for her voice to carry over to me.
“How could you let this happen? How are we going to feed the children? You know how this city is. You should have been paying more attention. Oh, God, Henry. What are we going to do?” she broke into sobs.
The man, Henry, put his arms around her, stroking her hair. He offered her no comfort, he probably couldn’t think of anything to say that would help the situation.
I tore my eyes away. I had to get moving. It was too suspicious to stand around here staring at the couple. I had to go and meet Kira. But for some reason I couldn’t seem to leave. My eyes wandered back to the couple and a strange feeling came over me. I felt like I shouldn’t have taken that man’s wallet. I felt similar to the way I felt when a mission failed because of me. It wasn’t a good feeling.
I frowned, looking down at my feet for a moment. Stealing had never bothered me before. I did what I had to and besides, I didn’t know those people. Why should I care about them?
I started to walk away, but the feeling inside of me grew worse. Finally, I couldn’t stand it. I spun on my heel and circled around the couple to come up behind them.
“Excuse me.” I tapped the man on the shoulder, “Did you drop this?”
I held out the wallet to him, plastering an innocent look on my face.
The man’s face lit up with happiness as he snatched the wallet from my hands.
“Thank you so much. It’s not often that someone would return this these days.” he babbled.
“Bless you.” the woman added before the pair hurried away.
I watched them leave. The feeling inside of me was gone, but I continued to frown. I wasn’t looking forward to explaining this to Kira. With a sigh, I walked away.
Slowly, I was released from the confines of my own mind and allowed to return to consciousness. I had no idea how much time had passed, but it felt like a long time. I looked around to see if there was any reason why I’d returned to consciousness at that moment.
“Alec.” I almost gasped his name when I saw him.
I struggled to get to my feet, but failed miserably. Alec came over to me. He had a black eye and was holding his stomach. He winced as he joined me on the floor.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Fine. What are you doing out of bed?” he demanded.
I ignored his question. It was much more important that I find out what was going on.
“What’s happening? Have you seen Kira? What happened to Katie and the others?” I asked.
Alec shook his head. He really looked exhausted.
“It’s over. For now, anyway. They retreated. They lost too many people. I saw White on the outside talking to the guy calling the shots. I think he was the one who called them off. I think this was just a test. They wanted to see what kind of resistance they’d meet, get a feel of our defenses. They’ll be back and next time we won’t be so lucky. We can’t stay here. The whole coexisting thing is not going to happen.” Alec sighed, covering his face with his hand for a moment before he looked up at me and continued, “Kira was wounded. She’s alright, she just got winged. Krit got her out before anything bad happened. I don’t know what happened to Katie and the others. I haven’t seen them. I was...I was trying to help Max.”
My eyes narrowed. There was something wrong with the way he had said that.
“Is Max okay?” I asked.
“She was in the thick of it. I think they had orders to take her down specifically. She got beat up even worse than you did. She was still unconscious when Lena made me leave.” Alec closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
He was obviously very worried about Max. I stretched out my arm to place a hand on top of his. His knuckles were split and bloody.
The sight of blood on Alec’s hands reminded me of the blood that had appeared on the forehead of the first man I had shot. My photographic memory replayed the action in my brain, showing my even the most minute details. The name badge on the man’s uniform had read Fulton. It had been the same man who had been on the news, talking about how he only wanted to make the world safe for his kids. Guilt washed over me as I saw the bullet enter his head repeatedly in my mind. His kids were fatherless now.
Alec squeezed my hand and I blinked, realizing that I had been staring at his bloody knuckles.
“Are you okay, Jess?” he asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” I nodded, desperately trying to dispel my guilt by reminding myself that I had killed in self-defense.
They had come here to kill us. I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking them out first. Besides, they were just targets. But all of a sudden, targets had become people. All of a sudden, I was a murderer, not a soldier. I shut my eyes tightly, wishing that I could forget it all. But I had never been very good at that either.
“Tell me.” Alec insisted.
I looked up at him, surprised that he could read me so well even when he was about to pass out from sheer exhaustion.
“A lot of people died today.”
“I know. But we’ll make those bastards pay for what...” Alec began, eyes flashing with anger as he thought about all the casualties on our side.
“No. Not just us. Them, too.” I interrupted.
Alec’s eyes met mine and I could see that he understood what was bothering me now.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I still feel guilty.”
“You didn’t ask for this. They would have killed you without a moment’s hesitation. They don’t even see us as people. According to some wack-job preacher, we’re not even alive to begin with.”
“That may be, but it doesn’t change anything. I was doing what we were trained to do. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn’t have left Manticore.”
“Jess, you have to know that there was no other way.”
“I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
“I know. We all do.” Alec sighed heavily.
Alec closed his eyes again and for a moment appeared to be asleep, but with a start he opened his eyes again.
“Sleep.” I told him, “It’s okay.”
He nodded slowly. But instead of going to his soft, comfortable bed, he laid down on the floor. He cautiously laid his head on my leg and almost instantly was asleep.