The Miracle Toddler Diet
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of
black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the
reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray
technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate
this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety
and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise
you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump
the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the
jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato
chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the
rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
stale beer.
Bedtime Snack: Toast piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and
eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if
desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky,
take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping
until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on
rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed
potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff
pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's
sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion
of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on
table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some
wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor),
bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of
corn flakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy,
drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.